FAQ: Frequently Asked Questions

I know you got 'em. So here's the answers:

Will you really send me a box of mac and cheese if I win one of your contests?

Yes.

What if I don't want you to? Will you still send it? Please don't.

OK, let me tell you a story. One day, many years ago, in a land with sunshine and a high influx of tourism, I worked at a historical society as a museum educator. (No. Seriously. This is a true story. And by true I mean in the sense that I worked for $7.50 an hour WITH a college degree. Because apparently I'm cheap like that.) My boss, who I will now randomly name Sue, and I were running an educational event where families could come and do some awesome history type activities as well as enter a raffle to win some very cool historical architectural themed things: blocks, books, etc. Sue decided that it would be best if she took the job of doing all the story times we had scheduled while I oversaw the arts and crafts area, the architectural blocks area, manned the information table and sold the raffle tickets. All day. A fair break up of the work? No, but I was having fun working with all the kids and talking up all the cool stuff we had up for the raffle so people would buy tickets to win things and the education department would raise some extra funds. (Maybe I'd get a raise!!! (Hahahahaha! Yeah. That didn't happen.)) Then, at the end of the day, just before we were to pull the winning tickets out of the basket, Sue comes over and whispers, "Let's take the book out of the raffle."

"What?" I thought. "You mean this book? The book I've been talking up all day. The book you've been reading at every story time? That book?"

Then Sue leans over my shoulder, snatches the book off the prize table, literally sticks it under her stupid looking blue plaid blazer, and whispers, "They'll never know." And then leaves me there to pull the raffle tickets. By myself.

In retrospect, she was probably just trying to get a good head start in her get-a-way, because she'd JUST COMMITTED A FELONY! Now, I don't know if the police ever showed up at her condo, bullhorns in hand, gas masks in place, battering ram at the ready, because we moved a year later and I now work for coffee and Twilight movie tickets (Man, I'm STILL cheap!), but she has to live with the fear of that happening every day of her life. So, dude, enjoy your mac and cheese because that level of stress would totally mess with my caffeine buzz.

Did you room with a drug dealer in college?

Yes.

Would you actually steal candy from Katie and Ellie to send to people on the internet?

You don't know me very well, do you? See, me and the Dental Association of America have a total symbiotic relationship thing going, a little like the carp and the hippo. In fact, I'm thinking of printing shirts up on Zazzle that say: Voldemort Ate Candy And His Nose Fell Off. It's catchy, hip and scary. Everything you could want in a reeeaaaalllly cool t-shirt.

But seriously, Ellie had more fun carrying and shaking that stripey box full of her Halloween candy all the way to the post office than she would have if I'd simply thrown 3/4 of her candy in the trash can, like the rest of the world does with their children's Halloween candy.

If I keep the candy, does that make me an accomplice?

In the words of The Kool-Aid Man, "Ooohhhhh yeeeeaaaahhhh!" From the first Whopper you popped in your mouth to the last stick of sour apple licorice. Unless you throw it away. Like Voldemort should have.

What do your kids shove under your couch?

How did they get all that junk under there!?!

I have no idea.

Seriously. No idea.

If someone uses the word "quantum" in a conversation, do I have to keep listening?

Oh, man.... I am soooooo sorry, because I come across this problem a LOT in my day to day life. In fact, I might even have once stumbled into a conversation about a Quantum Death Star in North Farthing that landed in the middle of elevensies because it needed a BSD license. Or I made that all up. Either way, the answer to your question is no. The word "quantum" was invented solely for the purpose of letting people know when it's OK to let your mind wander in a conversation, or, depending on the social situation, to simply wader off to another room. I totally recommend the wandering one, unless there is pie involved. Because obviously....PIE!!

Is escutcheon a swear word?

It has to be considering how many times Jon and I said it while replacing our kitchen faucet this weekend.

Any more questions for me? Leave them in the comments!

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