Socializing, But With Better Accessories

August has been awesome.  Really, really, really, awesome! And, by really, I do mean, float on a lake in the sunshine, eat sauerkraut pizza and dream about starting your own Bavarian Folk Dancing and Wine Tasting Ventriloquist School with Belinda, Mabel and Geraldine and their families while on vacation. Also, that third "and" in the previous sentence is totally in the right place. Mostly because even after painting my eyebrows teal that one time my friends still show up in public places with me.

See, it started like this:

First, Belinda brought along this really cool Bavarian folk dancing DVD:

and while we were all grape vine jazz handing along to it, I thought to myself, "Dude! This is totally like all those folk dancing classes I taught at Girl Scout camp, but with less alligator hunting." And, because I noticed how good at it we all were, and because the quaint Bavarian town we were staying near didn't already have a dance troupe...

Then, another day, someone said something like, "Hey! We should dump the guys and kids at the lake for the afternoon while we go to a wine tasting!"

Me:  In, like, a vineyard?

Them:  Yes! It'll be fun!

Me:  What do you wear to a wine tasting? Do I have to get all fancy and stuff?

Them:  Just wear what you want, Martha!

Me:

I'm READY!

Them:  No.

Me:

But it's a TURKEY! hat! And it SPARKLES!

Them:  No.

And then we left. Without the TURKEY! hat.

Because I know which fashion lines not to cross.

Then, we got to the winery and in my head I was all, "Wow! This place is really pretty! That view is just-OH MY GOODNESS! THOSE ARE THE MOST HUMONGOUS DOORS I HAVE EVER SEEN!"

So I took a picture.


To show the huge doors they didn't intimidate me.

Then, we all go in and the place is all fancy and I'm thinking to myself, "Man.  I totally should have worn that TURKEY! hat. It was totally fancy enough for this place with all the sparkles!"  But before I can lament about my lack of TURKEY! hat attire out loud, we're standing in front of a shiny reception desk and The Fancy Lady is handing each of us a list of wines and I'm distracted because I realize that I know nothing about wine, except sometimes it's white and sometimes it's red and sometimes it's pink. Or maybe that's champagne. Or a Michael Jackson song from 1991.  Either way, their are words on this list that I don't even know how to pronounce! Well, crap-a-zoidal.  I mean, if I was wearing the TURKEY! hat I'd be able to pull out my bumbling idiot routine and The Fancy Lady would think nothing of my halting falting pronounceableations, but I'm down a TURKEY! hat people!  So, trying to be all nonchalant and stuff, I shuffle Belinda off to the side and have her give me a crash course in wine speak.  Only, I can't say the words correctly, no matter how many times Belinda whispers them to me, and The Fancy Lady is almost done talking to Geraldine, who is saying all the fancy wine words absolutely perfectly, and soon it will be my turn and it would have all worked out perfectly if only I was wearing something stupid looking so I wouldn't embarrass myself trying to say all these weird words in this fancy place to The Fancy Lady! (insert internal scream of fear and awkwardness here)

So, I do the only thing I can think of. I turn to Belinda and whisper, "Ventriloquist." while doing the whole point to me point to her point to me point to her point to me point to her etc. thing while funneling all my social distress through the pin points of my eyes.  And, because she's brilliant, this is how it went:

The Fancy Lady: (turning to me)  And for you?

Me: -------- (but moving my lips, obviously)

Belinda: (with confidence) Riesling.

The Fancy Lady: (politely quizzically) And?

Me: -------- (still moving my lips)

Belinda: (with the same confidence) Syrah.

The Fancy Lady: Um. Thank... you....

And then The Fancy Lady went back to talking to Geraldine and Mabel, probably because she didn't want to intrude on our high five celebration of our newly formed Bavarian Folk Dancing and Wine Tasting Ventriloquist School.

Best! Idea! Ever! Guys!

Ooo! We should add a Pineapple Cotillion!

Where we all get to dress like pineapples!

Dudes! This is getting better and better!

You're still in right, Mabel?

*awkward silence*

Geraldine?

*more awkward silence*

Um, Belinda?....

But, guys! I already have the glasses:

Dude! Where's My Car? Mommy Style

Me: (while wandering in the parking lot after the county fair) Huh. Were'd we park?

Katie: (looking around) I don't know!

Me: OH MY GOODNESS!! WE CAN'T FIND THE CAR!!! We're looooooooooost! We'll have to stay here forever and ever and ever and-We'll only eat deep fried Twinkies! We'll have to sleep with the goats! THE GOATS! And goats can be sooooo smelly! We're doomed! (add really big hand motions and an anguished doomed face, which, truthfully looks like more like the Macaulay Culkin Home Alone face than real anguish, but, the effect is basically the same)

Katie: (in her serious voice) Stop it, Mom.  You're not funny.

Me: (silently, in my own head) Listen kid.  I jut walked around the fair with you and Ellie for six hours, ate only junk food, drank only three coffees and only fed you both Cheez-Its, mini donuts and sugar water that was supposed to be a snow cone but melted because you decided you didn't like it. Here's. The. Deal: I AM INCREDIBLY HILARIOUS! You don't even know the height of my hilariousness! In fact, I think I'll be even more hilarious. Right. Now.

Me: (out loud, maybe louder) WE ARE NEVER GOING TO FIND THIS CAR! Do you think goats kick in their sleep? Maybe we can find a big goat pen. Because I don't know about you, but I don't want to wake up with a goat hoof print on my forehead! I LOVE MY FOREHEAD! Hey! Maybe we should sleep with the rabbits instead! They'd be so much cozier! Waaaiiiiittttt a minute! Are rabbits nocturnal? Dude! They probably party all night with their friends with their little rabbit mariachi bands..... (ad nauseam*)


*No. Really. With one slice of under cooked cheese pizza, four mini sugar donuts and three large coffee's swishing around in my Tilt-A-Whirled belly, I know what I'm talking about.

I Emulated Forrest Gump And It Was AWESOME!

Remember watching the movie "Forrest Gump" where he ran across America like four times and he was all, "When I was tired I slept.  When I was hungry, I ate. And when I had to, you know, I went." and you thought to yourself, "I'm totally doing that some day because that sounds AWESOME!" so you added it to your bucket list, but you didn't call it a bucket list because you were in high school and, 1, no one uses the term bucket list in high school, and, 2, because when anyone says the word "bucket" your brain immediately starts singing "There's a Hole in the Bucket Dear Liza" and that is an annoyingly looooooooooong song, and since you always try to avoid any usage of the word "bucket" (see: all  47,000 verses that are currently playing in my head because I typed the word bucket more than once) in any situation you just call it Your List, but then find out later that calling something Your List has completely different connotations, and so instead start calling it "Things Need Doing"?* Well, I can totally check that one off! Because, dudes! I ran across America!

Kinda. 

I rode in a car a lot.  

But there were children in the car at the same time so I'm pretty sure those bucket miles are totally legit.**

Washington:

This is where I started.  Or where I ran away from.  You know, whatever.

Idaho:

Oh, Boise, and your crazy rope swing river runs.... You totally know how to have a good time!

I'm mean, obviously Boise rocks, look at me! I'm drenched! (Spoiler: it's really sweat.)

Utah:

I'm counting The Great Salt Lake as a run, because do you  KNOW how far you have to walk before you get to swim in its dead bug infested waters? Far enough to argue with a 9 year old stranger about the need to bring a swim vest for Ellie. So, yeah, annoyingly far.

Early morning run in Zion.

No, seriously, people! ZION!

Arizona:

"GRAAAAANNNND CAAAANNNNNYYYOOOONNNN!!!!"  Grand Canyon...grand canyon...grand canyon... (Oooo! Did you hear that? Whispery echoes....) 

Um, I might have been completely plastered in this picture..... But just on Ponderosa Pine Tree fumes, people.  This is a family trip you know! (they *hic* smell like vanilla *giggle*)

And I finish in Sedona, Arizona!!

Dude! I totally just saw a guy hiking with his feet all naked!  Maybe it would help me commune with natu-AH CACTUS! Never mind.

Now, I know some of you are more geographically astute than me and are wondering, "How did she manage to run from Washington to Idaho without going through Oregon?" And while I'd love to answer your question with the words "running long jump", it's not true.

The real reason I don't have any pictures of me running across Oregon? Two words:

Pancake Machines!!!!

Best invention ever, Oregon. Best. Invention. Ever.***

*Just me, huh?

**Worse automatic brain song mash up ever!

***Except for coffee. Obviously.

This Is What Happens When You Listen To Your Twilight Pandora Station On Continuous Repeat

Scene: Hair Salon. You know, one of those fancy kinds that don't have half a mangled Mr. Potato Head in the corner for your kids to play with. The kind that have artsy prints on the walls and matching decor.  In other words the exact opposite of my house. My goal? To get my  hair cut and to NOT have an awkward conversation.

Me: (Sitting down in the chair while repeating my mantra "Don'tSayAnythingAwkwardDon'tSayAnythingAwkward" over and over in my head. Silently. Because if I said it out loud that would be awkward.  Then mentally award myself 10 points for realizing if I said my mantra out loud it would be awkward. Also? Mental high five. ) Hi!

Hair Stylist: (smiles, begins to brush out my hair) So, what are we doing today?

Me: Well, (nervous laugh) it kinda needs to be fixed. (change silent mantra to "Don'tTellHerIt'sBeenTwoYearsSinceYourLastHairCut") I'm kinda tired of the whole pony tail thing doing this. (Pull hair out of Stylists hands and yank back into an eye changing pony tail. For visual effect.  Loose 5 points for being awkward.)You know? I have two kids so it can't be a lot of work or anything. Something easy.

Hair Stylist: (taking hair back out of my hands) We could do some layers here and....(insert more hair talk here) So, have you been to our salon before?

Me: (still repeating silent mantra of "Don'tTellHerIt'sBeenTwoYearsSinceYourLastHairCut") Nope! Never been here but I've run by a lot. (...silence... Note to self: Stylist does not run. Do not talk about running.  Award myself 5 points for being aware of other people's conversational interests.) I tried to come in two years ago or so, but just walked off the street, but you guys were full. Which was totally fine! I just happened to have a random sitter that day, well, not like off the street random, I mean, I knew her and all, she's my friend, it was a surprise babysitting offer so that's what made it random, anyway, I was just trying to get things done that I hadn't had time to do since my youngest was born, you know, get my hair cut, buy a second pair of pants, go to the optometrist, stuff like that. But, you guys were full. Which I completely understand, busy and all! I just haven't had a chance to come back since.  So, it’s been like two years since I’ve gotten my hair cut. (Crapazoidal. Loose 10 points for blundering my silent mantra. Loose 20 points for making it sound like I blame them, in a passive aggressive way. And? Loose 5 points for telling the stylist the pants story. Vow to stop talking. Also? No mental high five.)

Time passes. The Hair Stylist is now cutting my hair and attempting to engage me in conversation again. Because she’s a brave brave soul. Or bored.

Hair Stylist: So, what do you do?

Me: Oh, I stay home with the kids. My husband works over in Seattle. (Award myself 10 points for short concise non awkward answers. See! This isn’t so hard!)

Hair Stylist: What does he do?

Me:  He programs computers. (Five points!)

Hair Stylist: Cool. How does he like the commute?

Me: It’s long, but we’re excited about the fast ferry running this summer. (Award myself 10 more points because I’M TOTALLY ROCKING THE NON AWKWARD CONVERSATION!! Also? Mental boogie dance. Like they do in football. Because a mental high five just doesn’t seem big enough.)

Hair Stylist: Yeah, I know what you mean. My husband does the commute too.

Me:  What does he do?

Hair Stylist: He works for Pearl Jam.

Me: (Scrambling around in my head. Silently. Because unsilently would be awkward. And I am queen of the unawkward conversation now! Pearl Jam?Pearl Jam?PearlJam?PearlJam???? I know this! Come on.... Pearl...pearl...pearl...OH! Dude! PEARL! Jon told me about that! It’s a computer language! Her husband probably works for some start up in Seattle!) So, he’s a computer programmer too?

Hair Stylist: (...silence...more silence...probably more silence that I didn’t notice because I was too busy mentally awarding myself 50 points and doing that boogie dance thing in my head.) Um....So.... Ah.... How old are your two kids, again?


Then, 30 minutes and half way home later, I realized what I had said and lost every single non awkward conversation point I had earned.  Also? No mental high five. Or mental boogie dance.

Water. Standing.

Top 10 reasons my bathtub clogged its drain and is currently threatening to fill my house knee deep in water:

10.  It realized that summer had arrived and wanted Katie and Ellie to have a pool. Because my bathtub is thoughtful. And whimsical.

 9.  It's holding it's breath. For a really long time. Like a whale.

 8.  Ellie fed it too many bananas. Because bananas cause constipation.  Because they're mushy. And gross.

 7.  It needs more coffee.

 6.  The Littles have moved into our house and are building their own pool. To cheer Granny up.

 5.  Jules Verne is the tub's personal hero. (Related: Exactly how many leagues will fit in one bathtub?)

 4.  It's starting a one tub armonica band. Or, in Greek, a one tub hydrodaktulpsychicharmonica band.  I blame Ben Franklin. And Harry Potter.

 3.  It's concerned about my lack of preparation for the looming zombie apocalypse and is stockpiling fresh water.

 2.  No one told the tub that Prohibition ended in 1933.

 1.  It was feeling unfulfilled.

Surprisingly, There Were No Sprinkles In The Pancakes

The Fourth of July 

Done By Me

We will wake up early and enjoy the beautiful sunrise on our morning eight mile run. Which we will then follow with a nutritious breakfast of coffee and bagels. (Because coffee is a food group.)  After which we will trim the tree in the front of the house. Trim the tree on the side of the house.  Trim the tree at the back of the house. Pull weeds.  Weed whack the whole yard.  And mow.  Eventually, we will stop and enjoy an nutritious lunch of salad greens, fruit and coffee. (Because coffee is a food group.) Then after Ellie and Katie enjoy their three hour naps, friends will begin to arrive to help us explode three 2-liters of diet soda by dropping exactly seven Mentos into each bottle. We will do this in the middle of the street. After each explosion we will take notes on the different effect the various tops produced. Because this is science.  Finally the sun will go down and everyone will gather around the fire pit on our deck to eat Topsy-Turvy cake, a recipe made earlier in the day with Katie from Mary Poppins from A to Z: A Cookery Book with a Story. As the whole neighborhood quiets to enjoy the city's professional fireworks as they bloom brilliantly in the night sky Ellie will toddle off to tuck herself into bed because she is very tired, leaving Mommy to sit contentedly by the fire and enjoy the show.

The End

The Fourth of July

Done By Jon

Is everyone awake!?! Of course you are because our neighbors are already letting off fireworks! Whoo! Hoo! LET'S MAKE PANCAKES!! Ellie will help while Katie and Martha do all the exercises from Geronimo Stilton: Karate Mouse*! No, I will not join you while you do your required 1,000 sets of 3 push ups, 1,000 pull ups and 30,000 jumps over your jump ropes, I'm making PANCAKES! (And coffee?) Yes, coffee!! NOW LET'S EAT PANCAKES!

Then we'll trim the tree in the front of the house.

Then, fine, the tree on the side of the house.

I'll weed whack the side yard but then we're done.

Because we need to feed the children peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches for lunch!!! Do we have marshmallows!?! (No.) But they'd love marshmallows! (No.) OK, fine, Ellie go sleep for 45 minutes and Katie you, run around like crazy!! (Can I read a book instead, Daddy?) Yes you can!! (35 minutes pass.) Look! Friends! We'll play Ticket to Ride while the kids play tag through the house and eat the dirt in the sandbox! (Just Ellie.) SCIENCE!! Let's explode the soda bottles!! How many Mentos? Who cares! Drop them in! It's SCIENCE!! Crud.  We're out of Mentos. And why did you only buy 3 bottles, Martha? We need more FOR SCIENCE!! Can someone go to the store while we explode some stuff with fire!?! (Someone goes to the store.) YAY! Ten more bottles of SCIENCE!! Let's explo-Wait. Why do you have a notebook, Martha?

I lit the fire pit on the deck! Who wants Topsy-Turvy cake? And cookies! AND ICE CREAM! Hey! Kids! You have to stay at least 2 feet away from the fire pit if you're going to wrap each other up in blankets and roll each other around the deck like a bunch of tacos! Safety first! 

BOOOOOOMMMM! 

Awesome! The neighbors are setting off mortars!

The End

Three hints as to which version actually happened:

*I couldn't  do it.  Geronimo Stilton totally kicked my butt.

This Is A Rerun Because Jon Is Lazy

So, there I was, on the verge of posting the most awesome post ever another mediocre post last night all about hamburgers made from cows, Wil Wheaton and coffee. (Yes. Again.)  All I needed was Jon to splice one tiny (3 minute) video with another minuscule (2 minute) video and  maybe cut a few scenes or something here and there, add a picture of my coffee cup and make it fly. I mean, not hard stuff. Obviously I'd do it myself, but funny penguin videos don't find themselves on YouTube. Someone has to do the hard work.  But, then, Jon got all lazy and started saying things like, "If you teach a man to fish" and other, stuff, which was followed by a bucket of computer words that in all probability* he made up just to confuse me.  So, now you are all stuck with a post I wrote in 2009 about my butt. (Yes. Again.) Blame Jon. I do.

*I totally just used a math word, and since math is like the purest form of logic ever invented, you have to believe me. Because that's how logic works. Or debate team.  One of the two. Either way I'm totally right. About something. Crapazoidal.  I think I just confused myself again.

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I Need Rock Band Like I Need...

Originally published September 21, 2009

I don't like video games. I never have and I'm betting like a guy named Mr. Betmorethanyou at a greyhound track that I never will. I played Pac Man once-wait no, that was Ms. Pac Man-she's the one with the little bow on her head right? Yeah! I played Ms. Pac Man once at Pistol Pete's Pizza*. However, once I realized that after being killed by a dozen different ghosts (and evading none) that I received not a single ticket for my pathetic efforts I went back to skee ball and never looked back again.**

That is, until last weekend and the Rock Band party I was invited (read dragged) to. While I admit I rocked the vocals on Bikini Kill's "Rebel Girl" it was really my bass skills on Steve Miller's "Rockin' Me" that I really felt I nailed it. Low slung guitar? Check. Head nod to the beat? Check. Hair in my face? Check. Most notes hit? Check. Basically I ROCKED! But did I get a single ticket to be used on cheap plastic toys? NooooooOOoooo! Instead I was immediately shuffled over to the drums for The Go-Go's "We Got The Beat". Seriously, if God had wanted me to use my hands and feet at the same time he would have given me an extra brain in my butt.




You know, like the Stegosaurus.






*Which, sometime after I left the Phoenix valley was sold to Peter Piper Pizza. Coincidence? I think not.

** Hey man, I got some AWESOME toys with those tickets! Like that plastic baton with sparkly rainbow ribbons on the end that all, um, fell...off. But I was the height of cool for at least five days!