Mabel: You should frost your hair.
Me: It's summer, it wouldn't stay frozen.
Mabel: (ignoring my witty joke) Nooooo.... we should give you highlights!!
Mabel: It'll make you a faster triathlete!
Me: A faster swimmer?
Mabel: Suuuper fast!
Me: Faster than you?
Mabel: (rolls eyes) Don't be ridiculous.
Me: Faster on the bike?
Mabel: Like blue lightening!
Me: A faster runner?
Mabel: Nothing could make you a faster runner, Martha. You are the fastest runner IN THE WORLD!!
Me: (jumping up and high fiveing Mabel) I'll do it!
Lies and flattery. Apparently that 's all I need to hear in order to agree to turn me into this:
Yes. With teal eyebrows.
Hair-dying is a very weird process.
Maybe I should start at the beginning-back story by VH1 and all that.
I've never dyed my hair. Well, I once tried to dye a reeeaaallly small section purple with Kool-Aide in high school once, but it didn't work. Sure it smelled good, and it tasted like a grape popscicle, but I at the end I lacked the totally awesome section of purple hair that was going to transform me from Girl Scout cookie selling orchestra geek to cool grunge girl. And, you know what they say about failure... OK, I don't know what they say about failure, but I can confidently say it does not smell like teen spirit.*
Fast forward something like 15 years, and there I am standing in the cosmetics section of Target pretending to contemplate the hueical difference between "Biscotti" and "Caramel Cookie" but really just dreaming about eating a caramel biscotti and drinking coffee while I twirled aimlessly around. (Dude. I was wearing a skit. It's a girl thing.) Then I saw something exciting! Did you know (I'm saying this in my best conspiratorial voice, so you should totally listen closely) that they have samples in the aisles? Cosmetic samples! And that's why Mabel had to have this conversation with me:
Me: (rifling through the eyebrow pencils) Chocolate brown... brown....brown/black...TEAL! Mabel! We should paint our eyebrows teal!
Mabel: Um. No.
Me: (recklessly scribbling above my eyes) Come on! It's free! FREE SAMPLES!!!!!!!
Mabel: Um. No.
(Another friend was shopping with us, I'll call her Belinda (mostly because I always wanted a friend named Belinda), but she took one look at the gleeful look on my face as I clutched the eyebrow pencil, giggled nervously and bolted for the deodorant aisle. If we had been in high school this would have totally been mysecond Nirvana reference!)
Then, because while Target gives out free samples of make-up they don't give out free samples of make-up remover, we left quickly with our box of un-edible "Biscotti" and soon I was sporting a wimple, or whatever the Amish call those hats they wear. Because hair dyeing is a weird process.
A Chinese Crested Dog cap, a wimple, three different hair products, and a hair straightener later and Mabel still couldn't beautify the dork out of me. Probably because I scribbled it across my forehead.
Note: My eyebrows really were teal, really, but they didn't show up well enough in the photo. Because, you know, if anyone wished I were lying about my eyebrows, it's Mabel and Belinda. All apologies, guys. (Dude! That's three!!!)
*Oh my goodness! I just made a Nirvana reference!! Oh man.... I feel so cool!!!**
** My brain is totally partying right now: "Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it....Ice, ice baby...vanilla...." I'm doing the Roger Rabbit too.