Saturday, April 11, 2015

This Video Is Educational. I Did That On Purpose. Although, The Rhino Objected.

Katie turned 8 and it threw me a bit off kilter. Literally.  Because I did this to her birthday cake after (lovingly) pulling it out of the oven:

And while I was picking up the pieces, it totally made me feel all melancholic. Like a rhinoceros*.  So, I popped my Schoolhouse Rock CD into the stereo and made a video. Badly. 

Unfortunately, I couldn't just cover it with pink frosting to fix it. Like I did with Katie's birthday cake. Because Jon said that it would make all the computers sticky and stuff. Or, something like that.  I was stuffing my face with left over birthday cake at the time, so, you know, I wasn't really listening. 

*Seriously. Look at that face!

Friday, April 3, 2015

...Wanted To Say Something Sensible, But Knew Not How

Me: (after sharing a story of a particularly trying day figuring out some of Katie's homework) You know? It's not like I meant to grow up and become the mother from Pride and Prejudice.

Jon: (Pause. Pause. Pause. Silence. Pause. Crickets. Time. Passing.) Noooo.... You're, nothing like her.


(Which is a rude noise. Jon.)

You know what? Jon hasn't even read Pride and Prejudice, so it's not like I'm going to give credit to his opinion!

On the other hand, it does seem like a good opportunity to make a list....

Things I Learned in High School and Never Used Again.
Not Even In College.

All Algebra Geometry And Other Math Things
My ACT scores allowed me to skip all math subjects at college and go straight to the course entitled, "Teaching Math for Elementary Education Majors". I slept through the entire course. Literally. I was so blatant that periodically the professor would come over and slam his hand down on the desk in front of me. Because I was asleep. Again. In my defense, I was pulling an A in his class, so really, it was just out of respect for the teaching profession that I showed up at all. Obviously.

In fifth grade we made volcanoes! It was awesome!! Also, did you know that if you mix baking soda and vinegar it explodes!!!

And, that was the last time I though chemistry was cool. Because, do you know what my chemistry course in high school consisted of? Memorizing partial words like, Li, Ne, Mg, Cl and Ga AND THEN DOING MATH WITH THEM! Also? There were no explosions. It was quite disappointing. Because as everyone knows, Mr. Lipert, high school chemistry teacher, explosions make everything more interesting. Which is why I always volunteer to clean the bathtubs in our house.

This one I should probably be more ashamed of, considering I grew up in the Southwest and all. But, then I remind myself of that time when I was teaching, a kid was upset and came and asked me something in Spanish. I walked him back to his table and explained to the other students the importance of sharing and then directed them to give him back his scissors. AND after they apologized, THEY TOTALLY DID! This COMPLETELY HAPPENED even though after two years of Spanish class I speak like, 10 words of Spanish with any confidence. Which, can only mean one thing. I'm a Magic Spanish Speaker and those two years of conjugating the word jugar were totally unnecessary. Obviously.

The Rules of Football
Speaking of jugar... (See! See what I did there!) each and every Friday night I was at the high school field watching football. But only because I was a horrible violinist. And. If we went to the football games we use to get extra credit from our orchestra director. Because the marching band was there. And they played music. So, it was really more like a concert with some guys running into each other and falling down during the intermission. I had forgotten most of my football knowledge by my sophomore year of college. But, my desire to see the marching band never faded and each year during homecoming I'd sneak into the Skydome just to watch the half time show. The clarinets were always the best.

Upon reflection of my list, perhaps it would not be amiss for the betterment of my mind and further knowlegement, to engage my intellectual senses in more scholastically acrobatic pursuits. I could attend a lecture, discuss the poetry of Emily Dickinson at a local coffee shop, research the characteristics of the dermaptera, or-


Guys! I totally went to Math Night at Katie's elementary school the other day. I PLAYED A MATH GAME WITH MULTIPLICATION AND EVERYTHING! AND I completely and totally annihilated Ellie by like, I don't know, at least, like 3 or so points! AND when you multiply 3 X 10 you get 30, AND That means I have like a 30% buffer between me and the children! Piffle. I'm totes good here in the whole smarts department for like the next 3 years. BECAUSE when you divide 30 by 3 you get 10. AND everyone knows there's 10 months in a yea-


That's not right, is it?

Crud and shootable marbles.

Anyone have a good remedial workbook to recommend?