Friday, August 31, 2012

Socializing, But With Better Accessories

August has been awesome.  Really, really, really, awesome! And, by really, I do mean, float on a lake in the sunshine, eat sauerkraut pizza and dream about starting your own Bavarian Folk Dancing and Wine Tasting Ventriloquist School with Belinda, Mabel and Geraldine and their families while on vacation. Also, that third "and" in the previous sentence is totally in the right place. Mostly because even after painting my eyebrows teal that one time my friends still show up in public places with me.

See, it started like this:

First, Belinda brought along this really cool Bavarian folk dancing DVD:

and while we were all grape vine jazz handing along to it, I thought to myself, "Dude! This is totally like all those folk dancing classes I taught at Girl Scout camp, but with less alligator hunting." And, because I noticed how good at it we all were, and because the quaint Bavarian town we were staying near didn't already have a dance troupe...

Then, another day, someone said something like, "Hey! We should dump the guys and kids at the lake for the afternoon while we go to a wine tasting!"

Me:  In, like, a vineyard?

Them:  Yes! It'll be fun!

Me:  What do you wear to a wine tasting? Do I have to get all fancy and stuff?

Them:  Just wear what you want, Martha!

Them:  No.

But it's a TURKEY! hat! And it SPARKLES!
Them:  No.

And then we left. Without the TURKEY! hat.

Because I know which fashion lines not to cross.

Then, we got to the winery and in my head I was all, "Wow! This place is really pretty! That view is just-OH MY GOODNESS! THOSE ARE THE MOST HUMONGOUS DOORS I HAVE EVER SEEN!"

So I took a picture.

To show the huge doors they didn't intimidate me.

Then, we all go in and the place is all fancy and I'm thinking to myself, "Man.  I totally should have worn that TURKEY! hat. It was totally fancy enough for this place with all the sparkles!"  But before I can lament about my lack of TURKEY! hat attire out loud, we're standing in front of a shiny reception desk and The Fancy Lady is handing each of us a list of wines and I'm distracted because I realize that I know nothing about wine, except sometimes it's white and sometimes it's red and sometimes it's pink. Or maybe that's champagne. Or a Michael Jackson song from 1991.  Either way, their are words on this list that I don't even know how to pronounce! Well, crap-a-zoidal.  I mean, if I was wearing the TURKEY! hat I'd be able to pull out my bumbling idiot routine and The Fancy Lady would think nothing of my halting falting pronounceableations, but I'm down a TURKEY! hat people!  So, trying to be all nonchalant and stuff, I shuffle Belinda off to the side and have her give me a crash course in wine speak.  Only, I can't say the words correctly, no matter how many times Belinda whispers them to me, and The Fancy Lady is almost done talking to Geraldine, who is saying all the fancy wine words absolutely perfectly, and soon it will be my turn and it would have all worked out perfectly if only I was wearing something stupid looking so I wouldn't embarrass myself trying to say all these weird words in this fancy place to The Fancy Lady! (insert internal scream of fear and awkwardness here)

So, I do the only thing I can think of. I turn to Belinda and whisper, "Ventriloquist." while doing the whole point to me point to her point to me point to her point to me point to her etc. thing while funneling all my social distress through the pin points of my eyes.  And, because she's brilliant, this is how it went:

The Fancy Lady: (turning to me)  And for you?

Me: -------- (but moving my lips, obviously)

Belinda: (with confidence) Riesling.

The Fancy Lady: (politely quizzically) And?

Me: -------- (still moving my lips)

Belinda: (with the same confidence) Syrah.

The Fancy Lady: Um. Thank... you....

And then The Fancy Lady went back to talking to Geraldine and Mabel, probably because she didn't want to intrude on our high five celebration of our newly formed Bavarian Folk Dancing and Wine Tasting Ventriloquist School.

Best! Idea! Ever! Guys!

Ooo! We should add a Pineapple Cotillion!

Where we all get to dress like pineapples!

Dudes! This is getting better and better!

You're still in right, Mabel?

*awkward silence*


*more awkward silence*

Um, Belinda?....

But, guys! I already have the glasses:

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Dude! Where's My Car? Mommy Style

Me: (while wandering in the parking lot after the county fair) Huh. Were'd we park?

Katie: (looking around) I don't know!

Me: OH MY GOODNESS!! WE CAN'T FIND THE CAR!!! We're looooooooooost! We'll have to stay here forever and ever and ever and-We'll only eat deep fried Twinkies! We'll have to sleep with the goats! THE GOATS! And goats can be sooooo smelly! We're doomed! (add really big hand motions and an anguished doomed face, which, truthfully looks like more like the Macaulay Culkin Home Alone face than real anguish, but, the effect is basically the same)

Katie: (in her serious voice) Stop it, Mom.  You're not funny.

Me: (silently, in my own head) Listen kid.  I jut walked around the fair with you and Ellie for six hours, ate only junk food, drank only three coffees and only fed you both Cheez-Its, mini donuts and sugar water that was supposed to be a snow cone but melted because you decided you didn't like it. Here's. The. Deal: I AM INCREDIBLY HILARIOUS! You don't even know the height of my hilariousness! In fact, I think I'll be even more hilarious. Right. Now.

Me: (out loud, maybe louder) WE ARE NEVER GOING TO FIND THIS CAR! Do you think goats kick in their sleep? Maybe we can find a big goat pen. Because I don't know about you, but I don't want to wake up with a goat hoof print on my forehead! I LOVE MY FOREHEAD! Hey! Maybe we should sleep with the rabbits instead! They'd be so much cozier! Waaaiiiiittttt a minute! Are rabbits nocturnal? Dude! They probably party all night with their friends with their little rabbit mariachi bands..... (ad nauseam*)

*No. Really. With one slice of under cooked cheese pizza, four mini sugar donuts and three large coffee's swishing around in my Tilt-A-Whirled belly, I know what I'm talking about.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

I Emulated Forrest Gump And It Was AWESOME!

Remember watching the movie "Forrest Gump" where he ran across America like four times and he was all, "When I was tired I slept.  When I was hungry, I ate. And when I had to, you know, I went." and you thought to yourself, "I'm totally doing that some day because that sounds AWESOME!" so you added it to your bucket list, but you didn't call it a bucket list because you were in high school and, 1, no one uses the term bucket list in high school, and, 2, because when anyone says the word "bucket" your brain immediately starts singing "There's a Hole in the Bucket Dear Liza" and that is an annoyingly looooooooooong song, and since you always try to avoid any usage of the word "bucket" (see: all  47,000 verses that are currently playing in my head because I typed the word bucket more than once) in any situation you just call it Your List, but then find out later that calling something Your List has completely different connotations, and so instead start calling it "Things Need Doing"?* Well, I can totally check that one off! Because, dudes! I ran across America!


I rode in a car a lot.  

But there were children in the car at the same time so I'm pretty sure those bucket miles are totally legit.**

This is where I started.  Or where I ran away from.  You know, whatever.

Oh, Boise, and your crazy rope swing river runs.... You totally know how to have a good time!
I'm mean, obviously Boise rocks, look at me! I'm drenched! (Spoiler: it's really sweat.)

I'm counting The Great Salt Lake as a run, because do you  KNOW how far you have to walk before you get to swim in its dead bug infested waters? Far enough to argue with a 9 year old stranger about the need to bring a swim vest for Ellie. So, yeah, annoyingly far.

Early morning run in Zion.

No, seriously, people! ZION!
"GRAAAAANNNND CAAAANNNNNYYYOOOONNNN!!!!"  Grand Canyon...grand canyon...grand canyon... (Oooo! Did you hear that? Whispery echoes....) 

Um, I might have been completely plastered in this picture..... But just on Ponderosa Pine Tree fumes, people.  This is a family trip you know! (they *hic* smell like vanilla *giggle*)

And I finish in Sedona, Arizona!!

Dude! I totally just saw a guy hiking with his feet all naked!  Maybe it would help me commune with natu-AH CACTUS! Never mind.

Now, I know some of you are more geographically astute than me and are wondering, "How did she manage to run from Washington to Idaho without going through Oregon?" And while I'd love to answer your question with the words "running long jump", it's not true.

The real reason I don't have any pictures of me running across Oregon? Two words:

Pancake Machines!!!!
Best invention ever, Oregon. Best. Invention. Ever.***

*Just me, huh?

**Worse automatic brain song mash up ever!

***Except for coffee. Obviously.