Wednesday, October 23, 2013

And The Winner Is....

It's Wednesday! You know what that means, right? Yep! Today I get to reveal the winner of last week's photo contest!!!

Which I realize I totally could have called, like, a week ago, but a Really Real Contest has to have rules.  And prizes. And allow me two whole weeks of blogger content, otherwise I'd have to write about the party I went to this last weekend dressed as the "Embodiment of the Romanticism of Death" where I won first prize in the costume competition. (That no one else entered.) But, I, didn't actually get a prize because, apparently, the whole point of the party was to get together and write our living wills, not dress in an old bridesmade dress with LM Montgomery quotes pinned all over the skirt. And, yes, I realize I'm complaining about the lack of prizes handed out at a party dedicated to talking about when you want your loved ones to pull the plug on your life support machine.  And, yes, I do realize that the prize for death is heaven, and, all that, blah, blah, blah.... But, I mean, let's face it, I'm the mother of small children, I'm kinda over the whole patience/delayed gratification thing. I need me some pumpkin cookies to tide me over until I get to that huge library in the sky. Truth people. Just plain truth.

Speaking of truth, Shannon Reads totally blew everyone out of the water.  I mean, technically, she didn't get all the books correct, but the shear knowledge of children's literature she entered into the contest with was AMAZING! So, sometime, in the next 5-10 business days*, Shannon, you should be receiving your prize of a box of mac and cheese and a random pumpkin item from Trader Joe's in the mail!

And, for those of you who are wondering, here are the correct answers from last week's contest!
Pic 1
Correct Answer:
 Um,  see, I was just going to give the prize to the first person who guessed Twilight. Because  I thought it would be funny.

Pic 2
Correct Answer:
Good Dog, Carl by Alexandra Day

Pic 3
Correct Answer:
I, um, actually, don't know the correct answer....

Pic 4
Correct Answer:
OK, look.  I never read robot books when I was little. I thought sci-fi was stupid. So, I don't, actually....

Pic 5
Correct Answer:
Tootle by Gertrude Crampton

Pic 6:
Correct Answer:
I grew up in the deserts of Arizona a book about tugboats was basically sci-fi in my eyes.  So....

Pic 7
Correct Answer:
Madeline by Ludwig Bemelmans

Pic 8
Correct Answer:
See, I thought it was The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein, but, after a quick internet search, I now realize that it can't actually be The Giving Tree because that had a boy character, and, well, that statue isn't.... 

Pic 9
Correct Answer:
Look.  I learned about The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien from a  couple of 5th grade boys. Who I were in the class I did my student teaching with. So, let's just face it. I have no idea what book this is.

Pic 10
Correct Answer:
The Wonderful Wizard of OZ by L Frank Baum, mostly because, as a kid, I thought  Around the World in 80 Days was boring. 

Pic 11
Correct Answer:
I thought, maybe, Batman?
But, really,  I was hoping you all would come up with  a more literary type answer. 

Pic 12:
Correct Answer:
Huh.  Dude.  I've even read that one! 

Also? 10 zillion quadrabizical points to those of you who don't mention in the comments that I ran a contest without knowing the real answers.

*FYI Friday and Monday don't count as business days.  Mostly because I'm lazy. And I need to psych myself up for the car trip, because, DUDE! did I tell you about that!?!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Through No Effort Of My Own I Have Acquired A 12 Cup Coffee Maker. This May Not Be Helping.

I can't do it, guys.  I seriously can. not. do. it.  I mean, sure, maybe before I loaded Ellie up in the car and drove a mile (ONE MILE, DUDES! THAT'S IT!) to the nearest Trader Joe's* I could have written the soul searching, hard hitting expose on lying parents and wrapping paper I had planned, but, now? There's no way.  All I can think about are two way streets made into one way streets because of parked cars but are really still two way streets, cutting off people driving in, what I thought, was a dedicated the bike lane, six way intersections regulated by stop signs where pedestrians have the right of way and there is always someone crossing one of the streets messing up any type of turning order I thought I figured out, Siri, or whoever it is who lives in my cars' GPS, spewing out directions like, "Turn right here" when I'm  not only in the middle of an intersection but also in the left hand lane, and, me, hands clamped to the wheel, eyes wide and darting from side to side, Ellie in the back seat yelling things like, "Mommy! Look! Look! Over there! I see an E! There's an E in my name! Mommy! Mommy! Why did the pumpkin cross the road? Because he's a roller bowler! Ha! Ha! Is that funny, Mommy? Is it?" while a small rivulet of mucus drips from my still stuffed up nose and I whimper, "I can't do it.  I can't.  I didn't play video games when I was a kid.  I don't have the reflexes to compete with you all."

So, instead, this week's blog post comes with a contest!  That I put together at the nearby park.  That I can walk to.

So, grab your seasonal mug of pumpkin flavoring, curl up with your coziest blanket, and see how many children's books you can identify from these 12 statues that are scattered around the perimeter of my neighborhood playground!

To enter, just list your guesses in the comments below! The person with the most correct answers will win bragging rights among children's librarians and elementary bookworms alike! A box of macaroni and cheese! And! A random pumpkin flavored product, because, Trader Joe's has found my seasonal kryptonite.

Pic 1
Or: The Easy One

Pic 2
Or: Good Dog!

Pic 3
Or: Stilts, Like High Heels, But More Practical

Pic 4
Or: Insert A Dr. Who Reference Here, But I Don't Watch Dr. Who So I Won't

Pic 5
Or: Choo! Choo!

Pic 6
Or: Toot! Toot! (And all the preschoolers giggled!)

Pic 7
Or: Tall House

Pic 8
Or: Reach For The Stars, Unless You're Really Hungry Then Just Reach For An Apple

Pic 9
Or: A Dear Doggie! Said Dora, Daughter Of Duke David

Pic 10
Or: Not Held Up By Helium

Pic 11
Or: Count Them! One! Two! Three! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Pic 12
Or: If I Had Wings No One Would Ask Me Could I  Fly
Now, you may be wondering if this is a really real type of contest, and, since I just used the term "really real" who can blame you, and if so you wouldn't be the first because I wrote a whole blog post about that once. You can find it here. 

*Because marketing works, stupid Fearless Flyer writers.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Taken Directly From How To Win Friends And Influence People

Do you know this person?

The parent who, instead of hiring a babysitter, hauls each and every one of her children to curriculum night at school, including the one who isn't even school age yet.  Then, instead of providing her children with quiet, constructive activities such as a Dora the Explorer coloring book, lets them run amok among the classroom library, pulling out books willy-nilly, including the chapter books THAT THEY CAN'T EVEN READ YET!

Then, as if that's not bad enough, they have the audacity to show up late, so that they disrupt the whole classroom of responsible, on time, well mannered, professionally dressed (meaning not wearing yoga pants) parents as they file through, like a mini Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Because Ellie refused to leave her blue Pancake House balloon at home.

Finally, the whole extended family will settle at the back of the class, and, you will take a deep breath, knowing that the worse is over. And then. You smell. Something. You will, surreptitiously, look around, wondering exactly which nicely appointed foot it could be coming from, then, notice the mother of the whole disruptive parade walking out of the classroom holding in one hand an old, worn out holey running shoe with, um, shoe butterflies? on the toes, only to quickly return in her stocking feet.

Finally, you will  once again be able to focus on the teacher while noting the next topic of order on the agenda, only to be distracted, once again, as you hear from the back of the classroom someone stage whisper, quite exasperatedly, "You have got to be kidding me!" And the same mother of the disruptive parade will stalk out of the classroom again, the smell of dog tut-tut wafting behind her. Literally. Because, apparently, she sat in it too.

Then, you will think, "Good.  Maybe she'll be in the restroom long enough for us to get some serious questions answered." But, unfortunately, the girls restroom where she fled in sanctuary will be in the same hallway, and, while it lacks a proper door, the traditional design of tile and porcelain does create AMAZING acoustics!  And because of which, you will be able to hear each and every stage of emotional progression from frustrated sighs to quiet chuckles to a giggly spoken "Dude! It's like an olfactory whoopee cushion back here!"

And, because she has no shame, or, maybe, really, anywhere else to go, considering she's shoeless, she will come back into the classroom, and, try, to act like a responsible parent by taking notes about the Social Studies curriculum.

Then, after the whole family (and balloon) has finally paraded, once again, out of the classroom, book piles and meeting notes carelessly left behind them, you will notice that, on the volunteer sign up sheet for all the classroom activities for the year, she signed up once. To bring juice boxes.  In February. Probably because napkins were already taken.


In my defense, I never once mentioned my imaginary snot statue dedicated to Sandy Hawkins. Not. Once.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Consumption: It's A Genteel Disease

Top Ten Things I've Been Doing This Month Instead Of Sculpting A Life Size Statue Of Sandy Hawkins Out Of My Own Mucus, Not Because Of Lack of Mucus Production You Understand, But Because It Would Be Gross. And I Lack Storage Jars. But Mostly The Gross One.

10.  Nicknaming Ellie, Ruby Gillis, because whenever we go out in public she likes to cough, genteelly, into her elbow. And, because, it's now October and I'm allowed to make obscure literary references in all my macabre jokes.

9.  Researching the word "conkers" that I heard on Kipper while waiting to pick up Katie at school instead of talking with all the other parents.  Because I already talked to the checker at the grocery store that day and I'm completely out of small talk subjects.

8.  Meeting new neighbors and making awkward comments about toilets and toilet drains.  Why? Dude. You read number 9, right?

7.  Pushing Ellie's tricycle with my foot to make it go faster, while yelling, "Nitrous oxide!", as we race to pick up Katie from school each afternoon and wondering how long it will be before I'm recruited by the Seahawks like Tony Danza in The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon.

6.  Researching the gangs of New York and warning Jon to stay away from anyone giving someone bunny ears during his trip for work. Because history repeats itself. And because that's how the members of the gang, The Dead Rabbits, identified one another in that Martin Scorsese movie.

(Unrelated note: I've never seen more than two minutes of Gangs of New York (Dudes! That movie was scary!) but this totally sounds like a legit gang sign that people would use in the late 19th century. Obviously.)

5. Swirling our over abundance of CSA zucchini into each and every item that comes to the dinner table.  Secretly, because, apparently, I'm the only one in the house who actually likes zucchini. We're having refried beans for dinner tonight. *wink*wink*

4.  Running exactly 2.15 miles. Once. A week ago.  Then cursing all the non-existent gods of sickness until I was blue in the face. Which, truthfully, with my amount of chest and head congestion took only about one minute, or 30 seconds if I'm walking up the stairs.

3. Signing up for a 10K at the end of November, because, sometimes, you have to show those non-existent gods of sickness who wears the TURKEY! hat in the relationship.
I do, non-existent gods of sickness. I. Do.
2.  Brainstorming vegetarian flavored swear words:

  • Bologna
  • Haggis
  • Pigs feet
  • Turducken

1.  Writing this list.  Because I'm sick. And because, apparently, my head can only do one thing at a time, and right now it's totally obsessed with mucus. Seriously, even if I start now, I could still make that statue.