Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Twenty Minutes.

Two weeks, almost two paragraphs.  That's it.  That's all I've written in the last two weeks! Where does the time go? Does it fly laboriously and awkwardly out my tiny kitchen window, buoyed up by itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini wings? If so, I'm in need of Winnie the Pooh to come over and stop that time wasting hole up. Like he did for Rabbit.  I just bought a huge jug of honey plus Katie could read to him all the boring* Pet/Ocean/Rainbow/Fun Day/Weather/Dance/Music/Sports/Party/ETC!!! Fairy books she keeps on insisting reading to me. Again. So, I have 20 minutes.  Twenty minutes until I have to wake up a napping Ellie, convince her to use the toilet QUICKLY!!! so we can race to pick up Kathleen from school.  Twenty minutes. Aaaaaaannnnd.....GO!

(insert your own witty segway here)

Dudes! They found the Kraken! Giant squids are swimming around our oceans! Undulating tentacles up to 20 feet long are able to reach out of the water and swipe 5-10 people off the decks of boats in one blow! Then they eat them!** Floating ocean cities don't look like such a good idea now, do they Jon?

(feel free to insert another witty segway here, or do an interpretive dance of a giant squid attacking a floating ocean city.  You know, your choice***.)

*Don't tell her I told you that, the official word is that they are fascinating! and suspenseful! and hilarious! and I don't have the heart to break it to her that they are trite, repetitive and, let's face it, Daisy Meadows, not even written by a real person.

**Kraken don't do that.  That was sensationalistic. And a gross misrepresentation. I'd apologize  but Katie promised to read to me again after school and Jack Frost has stolen the enchanted conch shell and Amelie the Seal Fairy, with the help of Silky the seal and of course the human girls, Rachel and Kirsty, must race to find it! And, really, this is more exciting.

***Link videos below in the comments.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

I May Be Forced To Drink The Hand Sanitizer Next

We've been away vacationing in the land of sun and grapefruit again. We say it's to visit family, but, really, I think it's to make sure my skin sucks up enough vitamin D so I don't sleep walk through the winter thereby resulting in people calling Jon saying, "Dude. Martha forgot to pick up Katie from school. Again. And I'm pretty sure Katie's wearing the same pajamas that she wore yesterday. And the day before." Ellie however would probably thrive in that environment. Because when you're two, Kix is a food group.

Luckily I wore a lot of short sleeved shirts while in Arizona, because this is what I've been doing this week:

2.  Unloaded 85 pounds of suitcases, two backpacks and one purse.

4.  Did (Counts on fingers. Runs out of fingers. Starts to use toes. Runs out of toes. Gives up on math resorts to vocabulary instead.) MASSIVE amounts of laundry.

6.  Diagnosed Ellie with pink eye.

8.  Administered one dose of eye drops while singing a rollickingly happy Girl Scout song about the moon.

2.  Administered nine more doses while cursing Girl Scouts for teaching me rollickingly happy songs about the moon instead of practical skills, like calf roping.

4. Undecorated the Christmas tree.

6.  Hauled the Christmas tree out to the curb for  the Boy Scouts to collect.

8.  Stuffed tree in to the back of my car and disposed of it myself because Boy Scouts are unreliable.

2.  Cooked a huge casserole of Southwest Corn Pudding.  Realized I didn't have enough corn. Added barley.  Realized I didn't have enough barley. Added mung beans. I have no reasoning for this culinary progression.

4.  Ate a lot of Southwest Corn/Barley/Mung Bean Pudding by myself. Because the kids won't eat it even if I bribe them with bonus Christmas candy.

6.  Bought chicken soup with real chickens cut up in it.  Cooked it for Jon. Because he's on day two out of three days in bed and apparently Southwest Corn/Barley/Mung Bean Pudding isn't what you feed a fever. Even with a Christmas chocolate chaser.

8.  Spilled chicken soup with real chickens cut up in it on the kitchen floor.

2.  Mopped kitchen floor. Twice.

4.  Took Ellie's temperature.  Dug out the children's Tylenol.  Called it fairy elixir. Because I'm well aware of my lack of calf roping skills.

6.  Wiped one teeney tiny two year old nose approximately 50 zillion times a day. Was reminded of a clown car. Or a faucet. Or a hose. Or really, anything that has things that keep streaming out of it.

8.  Applied hand sanitizer approximately 50 zillion times a day.

2.  Ate vitamin C tablets like candy.

4.  Helped Katie, who is the only one besides myself who has not succumbed to the virus, make a "cage for Ellie" (her words)/"quarantine area for Ellie" (my words) where Ellie spent exactly 10 minutes.

6.  Cleaned every doorknob in the house.

8.  Mowed the lawn.  Because, randomly, the lawn was dry and I NEEDED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!

2.  Realized I was going to be teaching Sunday School by myself this week.

4.  Planned the Sunday School lesson by writing "Just wing it" on my lesson plan.

6. Taught Sunday School. Kinda. I brought cookies and frosting. So basically, it taught itself. Because there were sprinkles involved. A lot of sprinkles. And God loves sprinkles.

8. Wrote this list. Because no one else will listen to me whine.