Sunday, May 29, 2011

Conversations In The Car With Katie

Katie: I drew a map to heaven on my Doodle Pro, Mommy.
Me: Oh. Really? Wow. Um..... So how do you get to heaven?
Katie: First you have to cross the troll bridge, then go through Starfish Forest and then around Sailboat Cove. Stop at the post office and then you're there!

Katie: How did your dog Bobby die?
Me: He got out of the back yard and stupidly chased down a UPS truck.
Katie: Did you cry?
Me: Yes. It was sad.
Katie: Was he sad? Was that why he died?

Katie: What's a cemetery?
Me: It's a place where we bury people who have died.
Katie: Can we go there? We could have a picnic!

Katie: When do we die?
Me: Um..... Later?

Katie: Mommy! Are there dead bodies in there?
Me: Where?!?
Katie: In that concrete thing in the middle of the road. Do they put dead bodies in there?
Me: No. They don't put dead bodies in the road dividers.
Katie: Do they bury them under the road then?
Me: What!?! No! That wouldn't be respectful. We bury them in cemeteries, remember?
Katie: Oh, yeah..... Can we go there? We could have a picnic!

Is this how all Goth kids get their start? A few sips of Cannibalistic Jesus tea, designing a few Dora the Explorer inspired maps to heaven, a preoccupation with where we put dead bodies, sympathy for depressed pets? Because if it is, I think Katie might want to reconsider because she is going to have some serious problems with their dress code:

Saturday, May 21, 2011

This Would Be The Best Glee Mash Up EVER!

What do you get when you cross the theme from Rocky "I'm Gonna Fly" with Culture Club's "I'll Tumble 4 Ya" with The Monkee's "Daydream Believer" with the theme from The A-Team TV show with "The Hustle" by Van McCoy and the Soul City Symphony with Paul Anka's "Put Your Head On My Shoulder"?

The BEST Pandora station I have ever created!

After finding the Rocky tribute video performed by a professional thumb wrestler this week (Please tell me you saw the update! Totally worth going back a post for!), I couldn't get "I'm Gonna Fly" out of my head (sometimes I create my own internal insanity), so, I typed it into Pandora, and BAM! Awesomeness! It's even better than that one time I found a pair of pants in my back yard with $50 in the pocket!

Although, I do wonder about that....

What's your favorite Pandora station?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Note To Self: Buy Gray Cotton Sweat Suit And A Black Knit Hat Then Move To Philladelphia

This week Jon has been going through one of his binges again. Not the after school special 21 Jumpstreet kind, but the, "This expired in... SERIOUSLY!?! 2005!" and the "Rusty knives give you lock jaw" and the "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! You can't serve week old spaghetti sauce" kind. Normally, I grimace, place the spaghetti sauce back in the refrigerator, and just eat it for lunch the next day. But this time, he's gone personal.

How you ask?

He threw out all of my training food. Gu. Gatorade powder. Cliff Bars. All of it! (sob) Gone! (uncontrollable sob) Goooonnnneeeee!!!

(bravely wiping tears) I know! What was he thinking, right? I mean the man has gone insane! Obviously, the computers have finally taken over his brain and not only convinced him that ingesting week old tomato sauce is exactly the same as mainlining nuclear waste but that my Espresso Love (which, is awesome because you have to say it in a creepy lounge lizard voice) is one step away from molding over, growing legs and murdering us in our sleep! Sure you had to use an ice pick to break up my Gatorade powder and I got the Cliff Bars from some triathlon back in 2003 and yes, the Gu had expired in 2005, but, come one! It was all still good!


Are you taking his side?



You know what this is going to force me to do now, don't you?

And, because Jon's never seen the movies, I'm pretty sure he didn't realize what he was getting himself into when he tossed my training food. Hmmmmm....maybe if I add a shot of coffee to my raw eggs they'll taste just like my Espresso Love Gu. Maybe.



Also, now you know what I do while Ellie refuses to eat her carrot, prune, tofu baby food breakfast.

Because sometimes, you need a little "Espresso Love"!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

It's Really Hard To Say "Hilariousnessment" With A French Accent

I was all set to write about this hilarious thought I had in the shower the other day after my run. YES! You heard me right. AFTER MY RUN! It was awesome! The days are getting longer so it's still light when Jon gets home from work and every couple of days I get to slip on my running shoes with the shoe butterflies (to help me run faster) and race out the door! That is, until I hit the mid point of that first hill, and then I become incredibly interested in the pretty pretty tulips that are blooming in my neighbor's garden. "Hmmmm.... yellow? No. More orange with yellow tints. Sunset. Yes. I'd say these specific tulips look like a sunset. Ooops! Did I stop running? Golly gee, I didn't mean to..... Oh, hello little kitty!" I'd like to say all that dialog takes place in my head, but, you all know me too well, so I won't lie to you, it doesn't. I also high five tree branches and sign posts. Now you understand why Fred and Ginger tried to kill me on that run this last Christmas. I'm embarrassing.

Anyway, I was going to write about this hilarious thought I had in the shower the other day. Now, in fair warning, this thought was probably only hilarious to me. Like most of what I write here.*

Anyway (take two), I was in the shower after my run the other day (excuse me for a minute while I do my I went running happy dance) and noticed that the body wash company was trying to be all fancy with printing French words on the bottle and stuff. Normally, like when I read novels printed in the 1800's, I skip right over that foreign garbley stuff because I'm horrible at foreign languages. I took Spanish in high school and stunk at it. And I mean really really really really muy muy fuegoly stunk at it. And I grew up in the Southwest. But, heck, I was on a running high and decided to read the French words on my body wash bottle in my best Pepe Le Pew accent. (Dude. I am soooo cool.)

The words? Pour le corps.

Now, I'm not saying I'm fluent in French or anything, (although I did room with a French major in college for a semester, so basically I am) but I'm pretty sure I just said "pour the corpse". And, I'm sorry body wash company, even Pepe Le Pew can't make liquefied human cadavers fancy.

*I think fragmented sentences are the hilarious high jinx of the grammar world. Like clowns. Or water balloons.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I Had A Sequined Tiger Shirt Once. Hindsight Man. It's 20/20

I've been negligent here. Again. "Ho hum....," you say. "What's new? Ku-ku-ka-choo and all that." And I even though that's the most depressed ku-ku-ka-choo I've heard in a long time, I still have no answer for you. I don't even have a witty story about pie or coffee or show tune scratching chickens or even purses with sequined cats on them, which is surprising, because posts about sequined cats should just write themselves. But they don't. I'm guessing it's their lack of a good pencil grip. So, instead here's some snippets of conversations I've had over the week for you to read. Unless you're like me and have an overwhelming desire to go shop Amazon for the most amazing sequined cat purse ever!!*

At the optometrist's office
Eyeglass Fixer Guy: Wow! How did you get this huge crack in your lens?
Me: Ohhhh....(shifting Ellie on my hip) I don't know. Maybe some kid hit me. These 11 month old babies can really pack a wallop you know!
Eyeglass Fixer Guy: (blinks) ............ (stares)

At same optometrist's office sans kids
Receptionist: Can I get a number where I can reach you?
Me: (pulling out my cell phone) Just a minute.
Receptionist: Ummm.... I just need your phone number.
Me: Oh, I know. I don't know my own cell phone number and since I have a babysitter I'm not going to be home.
Receptionist: Oh, how nice! What are you going to do?
Me: I'm going out to buy a second pair of pants! (followed by a fist pump and booty dance)

On the phone with Customer Service Corey
Me: I can't find the replacement control chords for your breast pumps on your web-
Customer Service Corey: (sheer panic in his voice) LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE! I'm not, um, I'm not allowed to, hold on, I'm going to transfer you.

On the phone with Customer Service Mary
Customer Service Mary: Can I get your address?
Me: Sure. I live at 5555 Donner Drive. Donner. With a D.
Customer Service Mary: So that's 5555 Vottier Drive?
Me: No. Donner. You know. Like the party.
Customer Service Mary: Bonnet?
Me: No. Donner. D as in dead. O as in outside. N as in nibble. N as in neck. E as in eat. And R as in Reed. Donner. Like the party.
Customer Service Mary: I'm sorry. Could you spell that again?

Aaaaannnnnddddd....this is why conversations with me should take place solely in my head.

* I also totally saved you a ton of time browsing on Amazon!
You're welcome.