Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
You Know That Feeling You Get Shopping On Christmas Eve When You Realize Everyone On Your List Would LOVE Toothpaste This Year? Yeah. Me Too.
1. You see SANTA FROG!!
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, alofting* across the Pacific ocean by the aerodynamicness of his vaguely Pope-ish hat-just like The Flying Nun!
2. As you wait in line to see Santa at the neighborhood tree lighting you realize that, yes, yes, the man in front of you IS dressed like a woman golfer playing the circuit in August, and no, no, you do not have enough gumption to take a picture with your cell phone. Besides, Santa's watching and I'm pretty sure excessively embarrassing someone who obviously lost a bet gets you kicked off his good list faster than regifting last years slippers.
3. You reduce your three year old to tears as you grill her about what Daddy got Mommy for Christmas. In my defense, this will totally come in handy when Katie is taken hostage by evil spies from The Ring when she's president. They'll be all, "Tell us where the Intersect is!" while brandishing cyber knives or whatever, and she'd be all, "Is that all you got? Dude! My Mom is totally better at this than you losers are. Ice skating elephant! Ice skating elephant!" Although, we'll send her to Harvard or some other smart kid school and she'd actually be all, "I don't believe I'll tell you. Where did you aloft from, you cretins! The Intersect will always be safe as long as I am President! Ice skating elephant! Ice skating elephant!"
4. I am, once again, unable to take a decent Christmas card photo.
I don't know what's going on here. Well, that is, unless I'm about to vomit on Katie's shoes, after ripping her nasty mint candy cane from her hands and tossing Ellie at the broom stick brandishing snowman behind us in order to distract him as we make our get away with the chocolate peanut butter trees. Dude, I'm telling you, Christmas can be brutal.
5. We attend our local Festival of Trees to gather ideas for decorating our very first family Christmas tree.
Ellie-Since she was more interested in, um, lunch they didn't have any trees that caught her eye. It WAS a family event, you know!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
My Thanksgiving Post About Chickens Because Turkeys Simply Don't Have The Gams For The Dance Moves I Choreographed
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Because a glove told me to, I sprinted through the airport terminal sprinkling liquid feces left and right and piled into a mini van filled with my college besties*!
Because a glove told me to, we partied! Just like in college! But with more pumpkins and less country dancing.**
Yes. We've always been this cool.
Because a glove told me to, I stayed up much later than my 9:30 mommy bedtime, discussing, um, world news and stuff.... Seriously! See:
Jenn: Oh my goodness! The Chilean miners are being rescued!
Aingel: They hadn't been rescued yet?
Jenn: Can you imagine seeing light for the first time in two months?
Scooby: I know, it's a tragedy, but a happy one.
Actual conversation fueled by M&M's transcribed for your entertainment from our actual hotel room. Nothing else was discussed outside of world news. Except literature. And classical music. And you know, other smart people stuff. Oops... and pumpkins. I let that one slip-sorry guys! (I'm trying my hardest to have your back besties!! Um....You guys are still going to watch mine even though I apparently can't stop using the word "besties", right? please?)
Because a glove told me to, I moonwalked my way down the aisle of the flight home and answered every Flight Attendant's question with a crotch grab 'n pop. Wait. That may not have been the right glove....
*I can NOT get this word out of my head!
**Believe me. It's just as embarrassing for me to type "country dancing" as it is for you to read. At least you don't have the mental picture of me dancing like a stiff jointed Barbie doll to Shaina Twain's "Man! I Feel Like A Woman!" stuck in your head.
Then again, maybe you do.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Disclaimer: I've never flipped anyone the bird in my entire life. Really! I'm not kidding!
There was that one time when I was substituting in a 4th grade classroom. I was going over the vocabulary words on the board and I realized I'd been flipping the whole class off for about five minutes. In hind sight, I should have talked in an English accent the rest of the day. It would have made everything way less embarrassing.*
*But not as embarrassing as the time I told the story about Deadwood Dick and bulldogging to a bunch of 5th graders. Don't worry. I only teach Sunday School now.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
So like the organized person I've become, I've made a list of all the jobs I am currently acquiring a skill set in.
Will knowing 20 different ways to prepare mac and cheese get me a raise?
Since I have actually taught in a classroom, "Bwaaahhahhaha!! Hee, hee, hee, heeeeeeeeeeeee....That's not funny."
Groom of the Stool, aka Poop Wiper
Salary: 50 Pounds/ year under the reign of King Edward VI (1537-1553)
Apparently I CAN'T get a job wiping the Queen of England's butt anymore since the first Queen Elizabeth decided to get all independent and start doing it herself. I was overly qualified anyway.
Barista at Steamy Grounds Espresso, aka Boob Flasher
I drink A TON of coffee and I breastfeed Ellie. I'm thinkin' it's about time I get paid for it.
So which of these exciting opportunities is going to be my new career path?
None of the above.
I've found something better!
However, I do have two questions for the International Federation of Competitive Eating before joining their sport circuit.
1) Can Sonya Thomas, aka The Black Widow, eat 37 hot dogs in 12 minutes while arguing with Katie about eating her mashed potatoes, holding a screaming and pinching Ellie and stalk people on Facebook at the same time? Because if not, I totally OWN HER!
2) Can I bring my own Tofurky?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Me: (Optimistically jumping like Kris Kross) How about a WOOT! WOOT!
Me: Thanks guys. That's not embarrassing. Nooooooo. Not at all.
Tried To Kill Me
While headed out the door with my hands full of infant seat carrier, diaper bag, water bottle and Fuzzy Bear I lie to "Major Credit Card Corporation" about writing down their phone number to have Jon call them back. (I also do this to the blood bank when they call. Mostly because I'm evil.)
"Major Credit Card Corporation" knows I haven't given the message to Jon and calls back anyway. They speak for 20 minutes. "Major Credit Card Corporation" tries in vain to get Jon to tell them his birth date, the name of his first pet and the last four digits of his Social Security number. Jon tries to convince "Major Credit Card Corporation" that they are a scam. Neither the employee nor their supervisor agrees. Jon hangs up.
The girls and I go shopping for clothes that don't show off Katie's skinny little belly button where I DO NOT use "Major Credit Card Corporation's" card but do buy four shirts, eight pairs of socks and one pair of dress shoes with flowers.
We arrive at Roundish Table Pizza where their computers weirdly stop working just as we order. A diaper change, 1 1/2 personal pizzas, and a snack for Ellie later we try to leave. Because I'm not a kangaroo and therefore have to carry all my own baby crap (Yeah. Thanks God.) I can't seem to open the door labeled "To Remain Unlocked During Business Hours". For like five minutes. Eventually some employee* of the pizza place shuffles over and mumbles something about having a FREON leak and needing to lock the doors. So no one can leave. At all. Unless they wave their hands up in the air and wave them like they just don't care! (Sorry. That was a reference to my Kris Kross impersonation at the beginning of the post. It won't happen again. Probably. Or not. Your choice.)
So let me break it down for all of you who don't think Elvis is alive. (Which he totally is by the way. I saw a Inside Edition about it once in junior high.) We refused to give out personal information about ourselves to "Major Credit Card Corporation" so they took away the Internet and tried to KILL US ALL by creating a poisonous gas leak and barricading the doors at a pizza place we rarely go to. Yeah.... That moon landing is looking pretty suspicious the more I think about it.
*Or a "Major Credit Card Corporation Undercover Pizza Employee". Or a zombie. It was hard to tell.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
And hurdled logs floating in neck deep water! And scrambled over Armageddon abandoned cars! And scaled a cargo net like a pirate! And ran up steep hills (OK, walked but they were really steep hills)! And finally, slithered through a mud bog under barbed wire!
All for a medal and a banana.
As well as the chance to engage in smack talk with my husband that went something like this:
Me: Dude! You're first real medal! Isn't it awesome!
Jon: What do you mean? I have medals.
Me: But not like, real medals for sweating and stuff. Those are just high school Academic Decathlon medals.
Jon: You're just jealous because you couldn't be in AcDec.
Me: What do you mean, couldn't???? Did you just call me stupid?
Jon: I mean the math. There was no way you could have done the math.
Me: searing him with an evil obtuse look (which is a geometry term so obviously my math skills are totally quantitative and not sub par)
Jon: What?! It's true!
Me: Your momma.*
And finally, at the end of the day when all the little warriors and their Dora backpacks
were nestled snug in their hotel beds, like a potato, I scrubbed and scrubbed but the dirt just kept coming.
* Is there an online tutorial for smack talk? Because we may need it.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
But by the internet. And two of our local landfills. And the proposed quarry site. And possibly the government. (Seriously. I can't make up things like being objectified by methane producing garbage and the IRS.)
The other night, I was just minding my own business narcissistically searching for myself on Google, when, there it was, my Hot Score: 6.2
I didn't really get the point of a website giving out hot ratings based on municipal dumping grounds, but, 6.2! Really?!?!? Obviously they haven't seen me walking around town sporting my ring watch, because I've seen one on every single sexy person I've fist bumped this summer! And, I'm sure they haven't seen me dressed in my sexy Halloween costume:
Come on! I'm totally the hottest domino in the county! About to run a race. Really early in the morning. On Halloween.
So what does that make me, Hot Duck?
Yeeaahh, that's right!
So, internet, flatulating landfills, proposed rock diggers and the government of these United States of America, get it together, because the Hot Duck never lies.
Break it down for us Hot Duck!
You had to have seen that coming!
Monday, August 16, 2010
I've been having this urge the last couple days to use the word pisser, as in, "He's such a pisser." It's probably the Hugh Grant dreams I've been having where he walks around with his hands in his pockets, very Cary Grantish, and says things like, "He's such a pisser." Maybe. But I haven't said it because with my luck it's one of those really bad English swear words that sound funny but aren't* and I'd probably blurt it out at the park and there'd be a huge convention for English Nannies of Highly Impressionable English Children. Because they have those. A lot. Like all the time.
* You know, like bloody and cheerio.
On Gardening Ethics
I was grumpily watering the flowers, trees, shrubs and stuff outside because it was going to be a really hot day-like 88 (quit snickering desert people) and I realized I only watered the plants I liked. Hydrangea? Nice long drink. Stupid poky Ponderosa wanna be shrub? Barely a sprinkle. Then I remembered the very LOUD newborn baby pooping that woke me up at 5:30 and the whining three year old that followed at 7 when I headed downstairs and I smiled as I giddily played with the thought of applying my gardening ethics to parenting.**
**It's called dark humor people. You know, like this:
On Aliens Taking Over The World
I found a death threat from aliens posted at the coffee shop. Thank goodness they want chai and not coffee! Otherwise I'd have to learn how to play a video game like Space Invaders or Tetris to defend my coffee-I MEAN WORLD! No country! Um, fellow man...? Ah, crapazoidal. We all know I mean my coffee. My gorgeous, dark, highly caffeinated, keeps me awake in the middle of the day and all the hours on either side, creamy, delicious coffee.... (sigh)
I think there were more comments stashed somewhere in my head, but I can't find them because I've run out of coffee and the buzz is wearing off from my cappuccino flavored plumping lip gloss.
Monday, August 2, 2010
The one that reads like a singles ad by a guy from Jupiter:
"Goodspaceguy loves beautiful stars in the sky and in the movies. People of Spaceship Earth are his family. If you google goodspaceguy, you'll find me and talented people who claim to be me, Goodspaceguy." -Goodspaceguy-
The one that's threatening in a weird hippie kind of way:
"BEWARE! My personal doctrine for business and politics speaks for itself. I am currently promoting an Amtrak Tour of America ala "Woodstock" style for the summer of 2011. How? I am not Joe the Plumber. BEWARE!" -Mike The Mover-
The one you thought was a legitimate candidate:
"I'll never stop fighting against the powerful on behalf of you and your families." -Patty Murray-
The one that thinks he can take over the world using his superior intelligence:
"Since other politicians value their positions more than anything else, they will ultimately follow the wishes of their voting constituency. Therefore, it will be necessary to provide leadership for a vigorous national movement in the press and every other media available." -James "Skip" Mercer-**
And, if they're going to try and take over the world, I figure I can too!
(prefers Sunny Days Sweepin' The Clouds Away)
Somewhere close to Seattle, WA Website: http://whenmacandcheeseattacks.blogspot.com
Are you an approved candidate of your preferred party?
You'll have to ask Big Bird, he's the tallest.
What background and experience do you bring to this office?
I was educated in Arizona and live in Washington so I understand weather extremes. I received the highest score on my AP Government final in high school, so obviously I understand politics, although in class I tended to just agree with the girl sitting in front of me to avoid public speaking. I enjoy books and believe that computers will one day take over our brains and subject us to being their slaves and bringing them margaritas-or whatever computers like to toast with after taking over the world. I came to this conclusion after watching Buck Rogers-YOU SHOULD TOO! Ring watches are THE BOMB! And I plan to be the coolest 90 year old on my block some day.
If elected, what will be your top three priorities, and how will you accomplish them?
1) I will go backpacking, because once I'm a Senator they give you a nanny like right away and I'd REALLY enjoy some hiking time.
2) I'd spend the night in the White House because I'm too impatient to wait for Ellie to grow up and become president so I can find all the secret passageways and stuff like in "National Treasure."
3) I'd teach the world to sing and hand out M&M's to everyone that came to my office-unless I was stuck in one of those secret passageways or hiking through Virginia, then my nanny can do it.
Dude, vote for me because Jon already did.
*Books, more books to read
Swirly smooth caffeine for me
I could live well here
(You thought I was joking, didn't you?)
** "What are we going to do tonight, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every night, Pinkie. Try to take over the WORLD!"
*** I just got my hair cut. Now Don Music and I are like twins! Last time I let Ernie cut my hair....
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Well, more correctly Jon stole it. But I guess since I was distracting the employees with a screaming Ellie and fit throwing Katie technically I'm an accomplice, and they'll send you to jail for almost holding a horse. Just look at poor Edmund Spangler. The world's largest yellow 59 cent bag and almost holding a horse? They're practically the same thing people! So we took off, blew the joint, hit the road, knocked over that peanut stand, jumped the train (we actually did this one literally) and ended up here:
Where I found the PERFECT book!!!
But, I didn't buy it* because I don't need these kind of images in my head:
"Terrifying new developments in robotics like the EATR, which powers itself on meat!!!!"
I'm doing just fine with my normal nightmares thank you very much! (Like the one where I find an extra foot growing out of Katie's head.) So I bought a book about zombies instead.
And after being drawn like a fly to a compost heap (also, interestingly enough, the name of the slice I ate**) to the local pizza place across the street from Powell's, I thought perhaps I had overreacted, just a little. I mean, it's IKEA not McDonald's, it's not like they're evil or anything. Of course, just to be on the safe side, the next time I'm wondering dazedly IKEA (the place is HUGE people!) I'm planning on looking less like:
and more like:
But just the bangs, because the rest of his hair is kinda freaky.
*But you could, and then lend me your copy with all the scary pages ripped out.
**Come on. You know you want a bite of my vegan pizza!
“[Insert your name] is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to [insert the applicable site name (amazon.com or endless.com)].”
Monday, July 5, 2010
Oooohh Yeeeeaaaahhh! KA-POW!! It's a RING WATCH!
I found it for sale on ModCloth just days after posting about my own new fashion accessory. Seriously people, you need to rush out and get your own or be left standing awkwardly against the wall watching (hee-hee! That's a cool person joke.) while all us "in" people flash around our new finger blings, and, um, dance, or whatever us cool ring watch people do. Which,obviously, I totally know all about....
Friday, June 25, 2010
Which is awesome because lately my right hand has been preoccupied with this:
Oh YEEEAAAHH that's right! KA-POW!!! It's a ring watch! It showed up in the mail the other day in a package from my grandmother, who must have realized how much more convenient it would be to check the time on my finger instead of my wrist. It's my new favorite toy. Seriously! Look how amazingly useful my bling-y ring watch has been so far!
Is it time for a cookie? Yes. Yes it is.
I can now teach Katie the alphabet and how to read a clock all at the same time!
I never spend too much time visiting Mabel in the garden anymore.
I also used to waste precious seconds by glancing at my wrist watch while solving Katie's plastic slide-y puzzles. Not anymore thanks to my RING WATCH!
I'll stop now because I'm starting to sound like an annoying infomercial (Yours for the low LOW price of $59.95!) and I'm fighting the urge to make this post into one while writing in a horribly fake red-neck accent*. And, I'm sure, sugar honey, ya' all don't be wantin' to hear all that, now do ya'?
Plus, I don't want my wrist watch to get jealous.
*I should so share some of my essays from jr. high, or high school, or, um,well, college.... Because, there's nothing anyone likes better than reading a five paragraph essay comparing and contrasting the use of imagery in selected poems by Emily Dickinson in the voices of Billy Bob and Bubba Joe, am I right?
Due to the overwhelming comments on this post of "Where can I get my OWN ring watch? I want to be the FIRST in my neighborhood to own one this summer!!" I created some links to help you guys get the Have To Own accessory of the summer! Plus, in case you were wondering how cool a ring watch really is you can see Matt Frewer flip one open in Episode 9 of Season 5 on Star Trek: TNG. Happy shopping!**
** “[Insert your name] is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to [insert the applicable site name (amazon.com or endless.com)].”
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Bra worthy outing #1
Just a few days before going into labor I entered a contest to win free coffee for a week from Manette Coffee Company-an awesome little drive thru kiosk with great lattes just up the road from our house and guess what? I WON!! Sure, only like seven people entered, but, whatever-because if there's ever a time I need a free jolt of caffeine it's now! Two, three, four, five, six, twelve nighttime feedings? Not a problem! Just send Jon down the road for my free daily latte and I'm good to go (for like an hour, then I need a nap.)
Bra Worthy Outing #2
TOFUSEDAY!! It should be a county wide holiday every week, it's seriously that good. I've eaten at Hi-Lo's every Tuesday I could tear Katie away from Story time at the library with a minimum of whining. I mean, just look at what they can do with tofu:
But I may have taken Katie there one too many times for their kid friendly grilled cheese. Before I got one bite of that sun dried tomato/pesto/pine nut/tofuey goodness, Katie hurled that kid friendly grilled cheese all over the floor. Yeah. I put on a bra for that? Just so we're all on the same visual page here, it looked a lot like this:
While not the actual vomit, (it's the split pea soup with aminos and nutritional yeast I made a few months ago) it did look amazingly similar. (You guys should really come to dinner at my house some time!)
And, in case you're wondering if The Thing (now more aptly named Ellie) is really here and can be blamed for this randomly put together post:
This is also why Jon isn't allowed to play with my phone anymore.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
OK, very grouchy.
I have a friend that I've known since college who posted on Facebook that she couldn't find her motivation. I, in my ill-tempered, crusty, petulant, cantankerous way told her it was "In her butt." I'm sure she totally appreciated it too because apparently she found it PANTS shopping. Which can only mean one thing: my irritable pregnancy hormones have given me PSYCHIC POWERS!
Now I'm awesome. Because I'm a super hero with super powers that give me the right, no, the DUTY to walk around town with a huge ill-natured, obstinate, testy chip on my shoulder, because I might find your keys or your great Aunt Gertrude's pink pearl necklace or something. My grouchiness is for the good of all mankind.
I'm having lunch all by myself at this little cafe down by the waterfront. Katie is spending the day with Daddy and I'm trying to savor what little time I have to sit by myself not feeding, wiping, or trying to fake enthusiasm for another conversation about Fancy Nancy with someone else. Then I notice the woman in the corner. She's staring at me. "What?" my eyes shoot back sarcastically (because I'm a super hero and my eyes can totally talk) "Do you not like my taste in books? Do I have salad dressing on my chin? OR COULD IT POSSIBLY BE THAT YOU SIMPLY CANNOT BELIEVE THE SIZE OF MY BELLY AND ARE DOING THAT DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS THING BECAUSE YOU'RE CONVINCED I'M GOING TO DROP A NEWBORN RIGHT HERE AND GET PLACENTA ALL OVER THE PERFECTLY POLISHED HARDWOOD FLOORS? HUH, LADY? HUH??" (I said my eyes could talk, I didn't say they were good at telling people off.) Then, the staring lady got up, picked up the leash for her SEEING EYE DOG and threw her trash away.
Crapazoidal. I may not have super psychic powers after all.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
-My favorite swear word is crapazoidal. I've either been married to a math geek for too long or am channeling Scooby Doo.
-The best thing about being pregnant? I can wear whatever I want and no one has the courage to tell me I look like a freak. (This is not as bad as it can get.)
-You know how if you eat a lot of beets your urine turns purple? What happens if I gorge myself on beets the week before I give birth?
-My three year old just asked me for the cribbage board.
-No. Like you don't understand. This mac and cheese was life changing!
*That is, if I actually used Twitter and didn't think it was another insidious plot for world domination by super Buck Rogers computers.