Sunday, August 22, 2010

Bran: The New Blogging Tool

I've been rated. Hot rated that is. Little Black Book rated. Cat called walking by the construction zone rated. Honked at by a passing car while on a run rated. But not by a reliable source like this:

But by the internet. And two of our local landfills. And the proposed quarry site. And possibly the government. (Seriously. I can't make up things like being objectified by methane producing garbage and the IRS.)

The other night, I was just minding my own business narcissistically searching for myself on Google, when, there it was, my Hot Score: 6.2

I didn't really get the point of a website giving out hot ratings based on municipal dumping grounds, but, 6.2! Really?!?!? Obviously they haven't seen me walking around town sporting my ring watch, because I've seen one on every single sexy person I've fist bumped this summer! And, I'm sure they haven't seen me dressed in my sexy Halloween costume:

Come on! I'm totally the hottest domino in the county! About to run a race. Really early in the morning. On Halloween.

So what does that make me, Hot Duck?

Yeeaahh, that's right!

So, internet, flatulating landfills, proposed rock diggers and the government of these United States of America, get it together, because the Hot Duck never lies.

Break it down for us Hot Duck!

You had to have seen that coming!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Unmoderated Comments From My Head

On Dreaming In English
I've been having this urge the last couple days to use the word pisser, as in, "He's such a pisser." It's probably the Hugh Grant dreams I've been having where he walks around with his hands in his pockets, very Cary Grantish, and says things like, "He's such a pisser." Maybe. But I haven't said it because with my luck it's one of those really bad English swear words that sound funny but aren't* and I'd probably blurt it out at the park and there'd be a huge convention for English Nannies of Highly Impressionable English Children. Because they have those. A lot. Like all the time.

* You know, like bloody and cheerio.

On Gardening Ethics
I was grumpily watering the flowers, trees, shrubs and stuff outside because it was going to be a really hot day-like 88 (quit snickering desert people) and I realized I only watered the plants I liked. Hydrangea? Nice long drink. Stupid poky Ponderosa wanna be shrub? Barely a sprinkle. Then I remembered the very LOUD newborn baby pooping that woke me up at 5:30 and the whining three year old that followed at 7 when I headed downstairs and I smiled as I giddily played with the thought of applying my gardening ethics to parenting.**

**It's called dark humor people. You know, like this:

On Aliens Taking Over The World
I found a death threat from aliens posted at the coffee shop. Thank goodness they want chai and not coffee! Otherwise I'd have to learn how to play a video game like Space Invaders or Tetris to defend my coffee-I MEAN WORLD! No country! Um, fellow man...? Ah, crapazoidal. We all know I mean my coffee. My gorgeous, dark, highly caffeinated, keeps me awake in the middle of the day and all the hours on either side, creamy, delicious coffee.... (sigh)

I think there were more comments stashed somewhere in my head, but I can't find them because I've run out of coffee and the buzz is wearing off from my cappuccino flavored plumping lip gloss.

Monday, August 2, 2010

The Post Where I Get Political

Instead of writing haiku's to Powell's for this post* I've decided to run for US Senate. (I thought about running for US Representative, but one of the candidate's is a karate instructor and I haven't watched "The Karate Kid" in a really long time and my crane kick stance is a little wobbly.) I realize I'm throwing my hat into the ring a little late in the race, but I totally think I'm qualified. Especially after reading through my voter's pamphlet last night.

The one that reads like a singles ad by a guy from Jupiter:
"Goodspaceguy loves beautiful stars in the sky and in the movies. People of Spaceship Earth are his family. If you google goodspaceguy, you'll find me and talented people who claim to be me, Goodspaceguy." -Goodspaceguy-

The one that's threatening in a weird hippie kind of way:
"BEWARE! My personal doctrine for business and politics speaks for itself. I am currently promoting an Amtrak Tour of America ala "Woodstock" style for the summer of 2011. How? I am not Joe the Plumber. BEWARE!" -Mike The Mover-

The one you thought was a legitimate candidate:
"I'll never stop fighting against the powerful on behalf of you and your families." -Patty Murray-

The one that thinks he can take over the world using his superior intelligence:
"Since other politicians value their positions more than anything else, they will ultimately follow the wishes of their voting constituency. Therefore, it will be necessary to provide leadership for a vigorous national movement in the press and every other media available." -James "Skip" Mercer-**

And, if they're going to try and take over the world, I figure I can too!

(prefers Sunny Days Sweepin' The Clouds Away)
Somewhere close to Seattle, WA Website:

Are you an approved candidate of your preferred party?
You'll have to ask Big Bird, he's the tallest.

What background and experience do you bring to this office?
I was educated in Arizona and live in Washington so I understand weather extremes. I received the highest score on my AP Government final in high school, so obviously I understand politics, although in class I tended to just agree with the girl sitting in front of me to avoid public speaking. I enjoy books and believe that computers will one day take over our brains and subject us to being their slaves and bringing them margaritas-or whatever computers like to toast with after taking over the world. I came to this conclusion after watching Buck Rogers-YOU SHOULD TOO! Ring watches are THE BOMB! And I plan to be the coolest 90 year old on my block some day.

If elected, what will be your top three priorities, and how will you accomplish them?
1) I will go backpacking, because once I'm a Senator they give you a nanny like right away and I'd REALLY enjoy some hiking time.
2) I'd spend the night in the White House because I'm too impatient to wait for Ellie to grow up and become president so I can find all the secret passageways and stuff like in "National Treasure."
3) I'd teach the world to sing and hand out M&M's to everyone that came to my office-unless I was stuck in one of those secret passageways or hiking through Virginia, then my nanny can do it.

Dude, vote for me because Jon already did.

*Books, more books to read
Swirly smooth caffeine for me
I could live well here
(You thought I was joking, didn't you?)

** "What are we going to do tonight, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every night, Pinkie. Try to take over the WORLD!"

*** I just got my hair cut. Now Don Music and I are like twins! Last time I let Ernie cut my hair....