Go Ninja! Go Ninja! Go!

Because it's Mother's Day weekend, I got my traditional gift of 15 minutes of yard work from Jon and the girls today*.  And, while they were digging the dandelions from under the lilac bush, and I sipped (OK, gulped) my expertly crafted plain latte, my phone and I serenaded them with The V.I.P.'s "Ninja Rap" because, Dude! Vanilla Ice has his own TV show! Like, a This Old House type of TV show! But with less beards and more tattoos! And Jon found it for me last night on the Internet!  And I got to see Vanilla Ice pull a palm tree out of the ground! The ground people! Just like the dandelions from under the lilac bush! (Kinda.  I mean, Vanilla Ice used a huge tractor, and, well, Katie and Ellie didn't.  But, basically the same thing!)

Now, first, when Twitter told me about Vanilla Ice having his own TV show, I was a little upset, because, DUDE! Vanilla Ice has his own TV show! I shouldn't have to find out about these things from Twitter! I mean, sure, when everyone was bustin' a move to "Ice Ice Baby" and sitting in dark theaters watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles battle Shredder for the last canister of mutant making ooze I was singing along to my "Chipmunks Go Hollywood" tape and memorizing "Boil Them Cabbage Down" so I could perform with the Junior High Fiddling Club**.  So, yeah, sure, technically, I wasn't his target audience.  But, just because I could sing "Eye of the Tiger" in a falsetto chipmunk voice didn't mean everyone in the Fiddling Club was as clueless about popular music as I was. I mean, I think some of them even wore fanny packs! So, it's not like I didn't know who Vanilla Ice was, I just, didn't, you know, find his music interesting enough to not change the radio station when "Ice Ice Baby" came on. (Maybe he should have added a singing chipmunk to his act.  Or a duck.  Or a chicken.  Really, any kind of singing animal would have probably livened it up for me.  And a banjo. Because there is nothing not awesome about the banjo when you are 14 years old.)

Obviously, someone should have told me about this sooner.  Because, guys, his show is fly! Seriously, it's all that AND a bag of chips! I watched two episodes of it and not only did he pull a palm tree out of the ground, he planted other plants, drained a pool, swept up raccoon poo, laid pavers around the pool and battled a six-foot long alligator! (OK. Kinda.) The only thing that could have made the show better was if Vanilla Ice and the alligator had broken into a duet remix of "Fame".

You know.  Like the Chipmunks.

Because cute singing animals never go out of style.



Unlike fanny packs.


*Which I plan to exploit One Grain of Rice style in the Mother's Days to come.  Because literature can give people dangerous ideas. Or, rather, mathematically sound ones that will land them on the deck in 7 to 8 years, with their feet up for the whole weekend, as the yard is mowed, weeded, trimmed, barked, planted, etc. As long as I don't teach the children to count.  Or add.  Or multiply.  Or...read.... Aw, crud puddles. Well, at least I don't electrocute myself with the mower anymore.

**Too bad no one played the banjo....

UPDATED: It's A Post About Twilight. Again. Count Your Blessings. It Could Have Been Another Fart Joke.

You knew this post had to happen. It's inevitable, what with Friday leaning all angsty against it's shiny silver Volvo and all. Because, let me tell you, my tickets are bought and my babysitter is set! (aka Wouldn't-Be-Caught-Dead-At-A-Teenage-Vampire-Movie-Jon) I even took the time to smirk all smugly like at the white pancake make-up at Fred Meyer. Pish! As if I need any of that stuff. I mean, Edward and I are practically next door neighbors, people! A three hour drive and "poof" just like that, I'm holding a non-surgared coffee in my pasty white hands and engaged in an in-depth historical discussion with my new bunniculized vampire friend under a familiar grey and misty sky.

(Um, you might want to pause for a bit. Take the time to to just enjoy the peaceful scene above. Rest in the cozily crafted moment and all that. Because....)

I created a Michael Bolton station on Pandora this week.

Because I like to keep my crazy real like that.

And, while I was bopping around the house getting dinner ready, or whatever it is I do when I'm not drinking coffee or reading Breaking Dawn, I realized that I wasn't just listening to depressingly bad music, oh no! I was listening to the Soundtrack of the Twilight Saga: The Discards:

How Edward feels about Bella

"Waiting For A Girl Like You" the live version by Foreigner.

How Bella feels about Edward

"After All" by Cher

How Bella feels about Jacob

"I Don't Have The Heart" by James Ingram

Jacob's response to Bella

"How Am I Supposed To Live Without You" by Michael Bolton

Edward's proposal

"Soul Provider"by Michael Bolton

Update: OK, I don't know what I was thinking here. Soul Provider? Soul? I mean, that's just embarrassing. (makes embarrassed scrunchy face and hides it behind hands) I went to Breaking Dawn last night and as I sat in my overly comfortable movie seat I gasped as I realized the total Twilight faux pas that I made! So, instead, what do you think about "Steel Bars" for Edward's proposal? Any better? (And by better I mean, worse in a horrifically awesome and sappy way.)

Edward's More Thought Out Proposal:

"Steel Bars" by Michael Bolton

(On a related note, it might be time to delete my Michael Bolton Pandora station....)

The wedding song

"Nothin's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Starship

Obviously the rest of the soundtrack would have to be padded out with a few orchestral selections, a LOT more Michael Bolton songs (because when you need angst...) and probably a Joe Esposito song or two. You know. For the fight scenes.

What horribly sappy songs would you add to the soundtrack?

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Hey, remember the contest I set up a couple weeks ago? The one where you were supposed to figure out Jon's Halloween costume? And the prize was a box of mac and cheese and all the candy I could steal from my kid's Halloween pumpkins? (Not to mention to totally awesome POINTS!!!!!) Guess what? Anonymous, YOU WON! I know you're probably busy bustin' out some moves you saw on Glee last night in celebration, but, here's the thing. I don't know who you are. I know who you're not, but that's pretty much as far as my Jigsaw Jones detective skills have gotten me. So, here's what I'm thinkin', you send me an email at:

mac(dot)and(dot)cheese(dot)attacks(dot)gmail(dot)com

and I'll send you the goods!

And for all of you who didn't figure out Jon's costume, he went as a Steam Punk Ghostbuster. And, admittedly, Anonymous' guess of "the guy from Around the World in 80 Days" wasn't quite right, but they won because I wandered Goodwill with Jon for at least 45 minutes (an eternity of shopping agooooonnnnyyyyy for Jon) helping him decide between dressing up as Jules Verne or something steam punky. And since Anonymous actually came up with a Jules Verne character I figured they were probably stalking us at Goodwill that day which means their Jigsaw Jones detective skills are way more developed than mine and I should probably pay them off in free candy and boxed mac and cheese.