Friday, July 22, 2016

If It Looks Like A Death Threat*....

Our landlady is doing some remodel work in our house this month. I try to stay out of her way by sitting in coffee shops.

For hours.

Drinking coffee.

And eating pastries.

I know, the sacrifices I have to make....

But, today? I came home and found a rusty ice pick and this picture on the kitchen table:


I don't know who you are, but, girl in the yellow dress? It might be time to do a runner.

To Antarctica.

So you can wear balaclavas on your face.

Because someone has designs on the one from 1985.

*It's probably not. Because I make things up. It's way more likely that she's now an undercover CIA agent and she's having all friends and acquaintances ice pick any photographic evidence of her with really really big hair. Because, dude, that was one embarrassing hairstyle**.

**I'm sorry, Girl in the Yellow Dress. I apologize. That came from dark place-full of preteen jealousy and an inability to wield a hairspray bottle with any skill.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

I've Taken To Calling Everything The Kids Don't Want To Do An ADVENTURE!

Ellie is six.

Ellie has always been my little girl of rainbows and light and dancing and giggles and pink frosting cupcakes decorated with skulls. (Because "skeletons are really really interesting, Mommy".)


Ellie was that girl.

Until today.

When someone squashed the little girl inside Ellie.

Like Big Foot at a monster truck show.

Look. In my defense we were totally on a summer ADVENTURE! You know, the kind with pinwheels and bubbles and songs and stuff. But, in this case, substitute the bubbles and pinwheels with a forced march carrying 30% of her body weight in a backpack.

You know what? People have fun doing different things. Don't judge my parenting skills! Because, I'll just judge yours back. With my extra strong parental judge-y skills. For example: your kid's hair a....well, truthfully, it's cute, BUT! it'd look really stupid on a chihuahua.  Ye-ah. Talk to the hand, people. (Note to self: Improve parental judge-y skills. Maybe check out a book or something?)

Conversations I had with Ellie while walking home from the library, because I promised her a brownie at the bakery that happened to be half a mile outside the bus zone but they didn't have any-brownies that is-they totally had an oatmeal raisin cookie-WHICH I BOUGHT BECAUSE I'M A GOOD MOTHER. Besides, raisins are brown and brownies are brown, and both are full of sugar, so, like, total same sames here, people. Also, there were backpacks. Full of books. Because I have no control over my children at the library.

Ellie, walking out of the bakery: Wait. How are we getting home?
Me: WALKING! Because it's like half a mile to the nearest bus stop that could take us home, and at that distance we might as well...
Ellie: But, how far is it?
Me: Shhhhhhh....... (whispers) It's a surprise.
Ellie: Awwwww...... (Slumps. Literary curiosity seems so heavy now with no promise of a brownie raisin cookie in the future.)
Me: (Fist, pumped to the heavens! Because pumping your fist toward the heavens sounds more exciting than pumping it toward, like, a rock or a tree or something.) ADVENTURE!!


Me: Look! A bulldozer! (runs all the way up to the construction barrier) ELLIE!! COME ON! IT'S DIGGING DIRT! IN THE STREET! RIGHT IN FRONT OF US! (whispering) This is soooo cool.
Ellie: (shoulders slumped, under the weight of her own literary curiosity) The sidewalk is closed. Do we have to walk all the way back and around the block?
Ellie: No.


Me: (turning corner, Ellie trailing behind, like a grumpy baby duck.) Oh my gosh! WE NEED TO CROSS THE STREET NOW! There's this really cool spot up here, you'll love it! It's fun! Promise!
Ellie: (trudging, under the weight of her own literary curiosity) This isn't fun.
Me: What!?! Don't you see the giant hedge? We're WALKING PAST A HUGE HEDGE! It's like we're in one of those castle mazes with fairies and magic and stuff! WE CAN'T EVEN SEE OVER IT! THIS IS AWESOME! Ooo! Maybe there's a dragon around the corner. Wands out.
Ellie: Urrrg.


Me: (after zooming down a hill, like an airplane) That was fun! Did you like that downhill?
Ellie: (puffing behind, under the weight of her literary curiosity) Kind-
Me: GOOD! BECAUSE (turns corner) NOW WE GET TO GO UPHILL! Again. Yay! (cue jazz hands)


Me: (Pointing. Quietly. Yes. That's a real thing.) Look! A butterfly!
Ellie: (rolling her eyes, under the weight of her own literary curiosity) I don't care.

Oh man, step back, Willis.

And. That's when I stopped talking, people.

For the rest of the walk home.

Because, believe me, I know when my kids are teetering on the edge.

Mostly because I push them there know...often.

But only because it's fun!

You know? I should take a summer ADVENTURE with Katie tomorrow! Ooo! With bathroom sinks and laundry! She'll love it!

What ADVENTURES! do you have planned for the rest of the summer with your kids?