Tuesday, July 17, 2012

This Is What Happens When You Listen To Your Twilight Pandora Station On Continuous Repeat

Scene: Hair Salon. You know, one of those fancy kinds that don't have half a mangled Mr. Potato Head in the corner for your kids to play with. The kind that have artsy prints on the walls and matching decor.  In other words the exact opposite of my house. My goal? To get my  hair cut and to NOT have an awkward conversation.

Me: (Sitting down in the chair while repeating my mantra "Don'tSayAnythingAwkwardDon'tSayAnythingAwkward" over and over in my head. Silently. Because if I said it out loud that would be awkward.  Then mentally award myself 10 points for realizing if I said my mantra out loud it would be awkward. Also? Mental high five. ) Hi!

Hair Stylist: (smiles, begins to brush out my hair) So, what are we doing today?

Me: Well, (nervous laugh) it kinda needs to be fixed. (change silent mantra to "Don'tTellHerIt'sBeenTwoYearsSinceYourLastHairCut") I'm kinda tired of the whole pony tail thing doing this. (Pull hair out of Stylists hands and yank back into an eye changing pony tail. For visual effect.  Loose 5 points for being awkward.)You know? I have two kids so it can't be a lot of work or anything. Something easy.

Hair Stylist: (taking hair back out of my hands) We could do some layers here and....(insert more hair talk here) So, have you been to our salon before?

Me: (still repeating silent mantra of "Don'tTellHerIt'sBeenTwoYearsSinceYourLastHairCut") Nope! Never been here but I've run by a lot. (...silence... Note to self: Stylist does not run. Do not talk about running.  Award myself 5 points for being aware of other people's conversational interests.) I tried to come in two years ago or so, but just walked off the street, but you guys were full. Which was totally fine! I just happened to have a random sitter that day, well, not like off the street random, I mean, I knew her and all, she's my friend, it was a surprise babysitting offer so that's what made it random, anyway, I was just trying to get things done that I hadn't had time to do since my youngest was born, you know, get my hair cut, buy a second pair of pants, go to the optometrist, stuff like that. But, you guys were full. Which I completely understand, busy and all! I just haven't had a chance to come back since.  So, it’s been like two years since I’ve gotten my hair cut. (Crapazoidal. Loose 10 points for blundering my silent mantra. Loose 20 points for making it sound like I blame them, in a passive aggressive way. And? Loose 5 points for telling the stylist the pants story. Vow to stop talking. Also? No mental high five.)

Time passes. The Hair Stylist is now cutting my hair and attempting to engage me in conversation again. Because she’s a brave brave soul. Or bored.

Hair Stylist: So, what do you do?

Me: Oh, I stay home with the kids. My husband works over in Seattle. (Award myself 10 points for short concise non awkward answers. See! This isn’t so hard!)

Hair Stylist: What does he do?

Me:  He programs computers. (Five points!)

Hair Stylist: Cool. How does he like the commute?

Me: It’s long, but we’re excited about the fast ferry running this summer. (Award myself 10 more points because I’M TOTALLY ROCKING THE NON AWKWARD CONVERSATION!! Also? Mental boogie dance. Like they do in football. Because a mental high five just doesn’t seem big enough.)

Hair Stylist: Yeah, I know what you mean. My husband does the commute too.

Me:  What does he do?

Hair Stylist: He works for Pearl Jam.

Me: (Scrambling around in my head. Silently. Because unsilently would be awkward. And I am queen of the unawkward conversation now! Pearl Jam?Pearl Jam?PearlJam?PearlJam???? I know this! Come on.... Pearl...pearl...pearl...OH! Dude! PEARL! Jon told me about that! It’s a computer language! Her husband probably works for some start up in Seattle!) So, he’s a computer programmer too?

Hair Stylist: (...silence...more silence...probably more silence that I didn’t notice because I was too busy mentally awarding myself 50 points and doing that boogie dance thing in my head.) Um....So.... Ah.... How old are your two kids, again?

Then, 30 minutes and half way home later, I realized what I had said and lost every single non awkward conversation point I had earned.  Also? No mental high five. Or mental boogie dance.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Water. Standing.

Top 10 reasons my bathtub clogged its drain and is currently threatening to fill my house knee deep in water:

10.  It realized that summer had arrived and wanted Katie and Ellie to have a pool. Because my bathtub is thoughtful. And whimsical.

 9.  It's holding it's breath. For a really long time. Like a whale.

 8.  Ellie fed it too many bananas. Because bananas cause constipation.  Because they're mushy. And gross.

 7.  It needs more coffee.

 6.  The Littles have moved into our house and are building their own pool. To cheer Granny up.

 5.  Jules Verne is the tub's personal hero. (Related: Exactly how many leagues will fit in one bathtub?)

 4.  It's starting a one tub armonica band. Or, in Greek, a one tub hydrodaktulpsychicharmonica band.  I blame Ben Franklin. And Harry Potter.

 3.  It's concerned about my lack of preparation for the looming zombie apocalypse and is stockpiling fresh water.

 2.  No one told the tub that Prohibition ended in 1933.

 1.  It was feeling unfulfilled.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Surprisingly, There Were No Sprinkles In The Pancakes

The Fourth of July 
Done By Me

We will wake up early and enjoy the beautiful sunrise on our morning eight mile run. Which we will then follow with a nutritious breakfast of coffee and bagels. (Because coffee is a food group.)  After which we will trim the tree in the front of the house. Trim the tree on the side of the house.  Trim the tree at the back of the house. Pull weeds.  Weed whack the whole yard.  And mow.  Eventually, we will stop and enjoy an nutritious lunch of salad greens, fruit and coffee. (Because coffee is a food group.) Then after Ellie and Katie enjoy their three hour naps, friends will begin to arrive to help us explode three 2-liters of diet soda by dropping exactly seven Mentos into each bottle. We will do this in the middle of the street. After each explosion we will take notes on the different effect the various tops produced. Because this is science.  Finally the sun will go down and everyone will gather around the fire pit on our deck to eat Topsy-Turvy cake, a recipe made earlier in the day with Katie from Mary Poppins from A to Z: A Cookery Book with a Story. As the whole neighborhood quiets to enjoy the city's professional fireworks as they bloom brilliantly in the night sky Ellie will toddle off to tuck herself into bed because she is very tired, leaving Mommy to sit contentedly by the fire and enjoy the show.

The End

The Fourth of July
Done By Jon

Is everyone awake!?! Of course you are because our neighbors are already letting off fireworks! Whoo! Hoo! LET'S MAKE PANCAKES!! Ellie will help while Katie and Martha do all the exercises from Geronimo Stilton: Karate Mouse*! No, I will not join you while you do your required 1,000 sets of 3 push ups, 1,000 pull ups and 30,000 jumps over your jump ropes, I'm making PANCAKES! (And coffee?) Yes, coffee!! NOW LET'S EAT PANCAKES!

Then we'll trim the tree in the front of the house.

Then, fine, the tree on the side of the house.

I'll weed whack the side yard but then we're done.

Because we need to feed the children peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches for lunch!!! Do we have marshmallows!?! (No.) But they'd love marshmallows! (No.) OK, fine, Ellie go sleep for 45 minutes and Katie you, run around like crazy!! (Can I read a book instead, Daddy?) Yes you can!! (35 minutes pass.) Look! Friends! We'll play Ticket to Ride while the kids play tag through the house and eat the dirt in the sandbox! (Just Ellie.) SCIENCE!! Let's explode the soda bottles!! How many Mentos? Who cares! Drop them in! It's SCIENCE!! Crud.  We're out of Mentos. And why did you only buy 3 bottles, Martha? We need more FOR SCIENCE!! Can someone go to the store while we explode some stuff with fire!?! (Someone goes to the store.) YAY! Ten more bottles of SCIENCE!! Let's explo-Wait. Why do you have a notebook, Martha?

I lit the fire pit on the deck! Who wants Topsy-Turvy cake? And cookies! AND ICE CREAM! Hey! Kids! You have to stay at least 2 feet away from the fire pit if you're going to wrap each other up in blankets and roll each other around the deck like a bunch of tacos! Safety first! 


Awesome! The neighbors are setting off mortars!

The End

Three hints as to which version actually happened:

*I couldn't  do it.  Geronimo Stilton totally kicked my butt.