Sunday, August 28, 2011

All This Could Have Been Avoided If You'd Just Followed Me On Twitter President Obama

I don't know how they missed it, but, apparently not a single uppity up in the TSA nor President Obama has read my post calling for the replacement of the evil x-ray machines at airport security with cute little fluffy puppies. How could they miss it? I mean, I put it right there! (points to computer screen) On the internet! Therefore, I can only conclude that they are too busy chuckling at the cats on to do any real research on the new trends for intercontinental transportational security. All I can say, is, dudes, those cats are not as funny as you think they are.
So, as a result of TSAs inability to tear their eyes away from cute internet kittens speaking with a horrific ungrammatical accent, there I was, stripped to my skivvies (plus a tank top and jean skirt) standing in line with all the other airport travelers out of Phoenix that day about to be blasted with 189 quadrizillion knots of radiation. Now, don't get me wrong. I understand that the heightened security makes people feel safer after 9/11. Heck, when they started the whole remove shoes confiscate pocket knives thing, I donned my stripped monkey socks and cheerfully left my Swiss Army Knife at home. Heck, I even started wearing my hair in Princess Leia buns just so when I got chosen for those extra pat downs (as I always seemed to be chosen for) I could tell everyone that "TSA squeezed my buns today." (Yeeaaahhh...Jon never really appreciated the wittiness of that joke.) But naked radiation boxes? Seriously, TSA? Do I look like I need more super hero powers?

Then, I notice. People traveling with wee little babes are shuffled around the boxes. They don't have to go though.

Quick check.


Still baby and preschooler free.

Or am I?

As I come face to face with security personnel, I do what any woman my approximate age should do. I reach down, caress my stomach and say, "I don't exactly feel comfortable." And BAM! Just like that I save myself all the heartache that goes with having to attend Xavier's Institute for Higher Learning in order to learn how to control my mutant super powers.

But what about Jon, you ask. Will he be forced to abandon his family... his friends... his job... his life...his whole identity as he learns to control his new and strangely highly developed ambidextrous skills*? Naaawww.... That's why I'm planning on getting him this t-shirt for his birthday:
And this:
And some hair product.

Or maybe a wig.

I might need to take him down to ear piercing place in the mall too.

And maybe a cute pair of-

Aw crap. Never mind. I think Jon might be happier with the super hero powers.

*Knowledge that there is an ambidextrous X-man is just one of the wondrous things you can discover on the internet once you get past those stupid cats TSA. Just sayin'.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

This Is What Happens When I Socialize

Conversation with Mabel at a party:

Mabel: You should frost your hair.
Me: It's summer, it wouldn't stay frozen.
Mabel: (ignoring my witty joke) Nooooo.... we should give you highlights!!
Me: Why?
Mabel: It'll make you a faster triathlete!
Me: A faster swimmer?
Mabel: Suuuper fast!
Me: Faster than you?
Mabel: (rolls eyes) Don't be ridiculous.
Me: Faster on the bike?
Mabel: Like blue lightening!
Me: A faster runner?
Mabel: Nothing could make you a faster runner, Martha. You are the fastest runner IN THE WORLD!!
Me: (jumping up and high fiveing Mabel) I'll do it!

Lies and flattery. Apparently that 's all I need to hear in order to agree to turn me into this:

Yes. With teal eyebrows.

Hair-dying is a very weird process.

Maybe I should start at the beginning-back story by VH1 and all that.

I've never dyed my hair. Well, I once tried to dye a reeeaaallly small section purple with Kool-Aide in high school once, but it didn't work. Sure it smelled good, and it tasted like a grape popscicle, but I at the end I lacked the totally awesome section of purple hair that was going to transform me from Girl Scout cookie selling orchestra geek to cool grunge girl. And, you know what they say about failure... OK, I don't know what they say about failure, but I can confidently say it does not smell like teen spirit.*

Fast forward something like 15 years, and there I am standing in the cosmetics section of Target pretending to contemplate the hueical difference between "Biscotti" and "Caramel Cookie" but really just dreaming about eating a caramel biscotti and drinking coffee while I twirled aimlessly around. (Dude. I was wearing a skit. It's a girl thing.) Then I saw something exciting! Did you know (I'm saying this in my best conspiratorial voice, so you should totally listen closely) that they have samples in the aisles? Cosmetic samples! And that's why Mabel had to have this conversation with me:

Me: Samples!!
Mabel: Wha-
Me: (rifling through the eyebrow pencils) Chocolate brown... brown....brown/black...TEAL! Mabel! We should paint our eyebrows teal!
Mabel: Um. No.
Me: (recklessly scribbling above my eyes) Come on! It's free! FREE SAMPLES!!!!!!!
Mabel: Um. No.

(Another friend was shopping with us, I'll call her Belinda (mostly because I always wanted a friend named Belinda), but she took one look at the gleeful look on my face as I clutched the eyebrow pencil, giggled nervously and bolted for the deodorant aisle. If we had been in high school this would have totally been mysecond Nirvana reference!)

Then, because while Target gives out free samples of make-up they don't give out free samples of make-up remover, we left quickly with our box of un-edible "Biscotti" and soon I was sporting a wimple, or whatever the Amish call those hats they wear. Because hair dyeing is a weird process.

A Chinese Crested Dog cap, a wimple, three different hair products, and a hair straightener later and Mabel still couldn't beautify the dork out of me. Probably because I scribbled it across my forehead.

Note: My eyebrows really were teal, really, but they didn't show up well enough in the photo. Because, you know, if anyone wished I were lying about my eyebrows, it's Mabel and Belinda. All apologies, guys. (Dude! That's three!!!)

*Oh my goodness! I just made a Nirvana reference!! Oh man.... I feel so cool!!!**
** My brain is totally partying right now: "Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it....Ice, ice baby...vanilla...." I'm doing the Roger Rabbit too.