Saturday, January 23, 2010


*Are you sure the kids are still saying this, dearie? (Sorry, that was my leg speaking.)

I have an ugly leg. My Dorian Gray leg, as I've called it for the last 10 years. And, if you missed my post about a week or so ago, then you missed the fact that I'm pregnant, and vomity. (Don't eat the Sour Gummi Fish! Just don't do it!! Oooohhhh, the burning!!!) So, in the next day or so, I will be receiving in the mail, my first pair of old lady compression stockings. (Really not walking into a store to buy them!) Because of all this pregnancy junk, my left legged Dorian Gray is looking pretty raunchy. Something like this:

But, you know, on my leg. Without the eyeballs. However, the rest of my body looks more like this:

(Without the murder, the opium dens,and the full on hedonistic lifestyle. Unless you count that marathon I ran last year....)

What?!? Of course that's me! Why would I lie? Didn't I just tell you I ran a marathon? That's ME! On a really, really, really, really good hair day, after working out on those magic glute and arm machines at the gym, and standing in front of the Legion movie poster wearing my sexy maternity tank top and low rise jeans holding a really Super Soaker? Come on, would a woman buying her first pair of old lady compression stockings lie to you?

Monday, January 18, 2010

A Few Moral and Spiritual Questions

It's always so hard to pack away the Christmas decorations every year-the tree, the stockings, the Santa and Reindeer Pez dispensers (which, obviously, are incredibly, AWESOME), the nativity set.... However, Christmas is over, so Katie and I pulled out my old college trunk and loaded it up.

But... not before our tea party.

Where Katie served baby Jesus tea in tiny blue tea cups.

And two of the "three kings of orient are" on cute little yellow plates.

Which brought up some questions, you know, in my own mind.

1) Is play acting cannibalism wrong?
2) Is it only wrong if she reminds me to "eat the skin"?
3) This isn't how Hannibal Lecter got his start, is it??
4) Is it anti-Christian to drink baby Jesus tea?
5) Can I ask for seconds? Because, really, there's only one king left and it isn't like baby Jesus is going to be needing that myrrh, now that he's tasty, tasty tea....

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Didn't Shakespeare Say Something Profound About Rumors Once?

Jon wears panties.

Yep, that's what I said. I warned him I was going to tell people. Well, I really told him I'd announce it at church, but, come on, we all know there's no way I'm talking in front of a group of people!* But, the guy just didn't listen. He also said that he would then SHOW everyone that he doesn't wear panties. So..... doo, do, doo... whistle, whistle.... (this is me waiting for him to post a pic)

In all fairness, I'm only spreading rumors because he told a hugely, insanely, grossly, possibly, but probably not untruth about me over Christmas. Without going into all the sorted details it involves:

1. A coven of vampires
2. a new movie with a moon
3. sparkly people
4. angst, and, holy crow, more angst (which, as a person who goes off half angst almost every day, can really relate to, you know????)
and finally
5. this photo:

Seriously! So obviously photoshopped too! It looks like he just took a really fuzzy picture of me from some random backpacking trip, cut it out, pasted it over the Bella doll face and then took a picture of it with his iPho-I mean gPhone. Guy couldn't even figure out how to use his image soft wear-sooOOooOOoo LAME!

*Horrific, unrepressed high school speech memories here. Remind me to mock myself someday....

Monday, January 11, 2010

Things My Neighbor Did and Other Adventures You've Missed

So... it's been... awhile... and while I could apologize and lay on the excuses thicker than a venti double mocha caramel frappaccino with extra whip* I'll just list some of the things you've all missed out on in the last few, um, months....

1) My neighbor's friends placed a naked mannequin on his carport roof, complete with John Wayne scarf and twinkle lights, and I CAN NOT BELIEVE I didn't take a picture-I know, I kick myself everyday....

2) It was fall, and my neighbor realized he didn't have any trees on his property, so he went and collected baskets full of maple leaves from someone else's yard and scattered it on his own....

3) A few weeks later, on a walk around the neighborhood, I adamantly denied being married to the weird guy who was raking leaves in a yard with NO TREES.

4) I wished my neighbor would do something weird for Christmas. Unfortunately, all he did was drape his picket fence in real pine garland and place real votive candles on every post that he lit nightly. Too pretty to mock, even a little, and I tried, I really tried.

5) I began vomiting every two hours from approximately September through the beginning of December.

6) Near the end of December, I post this on Facebook: Martha is once again bowing down to the porcelain god of pregnancy. Weirdly, the congratulations flowed in anyway...while the vomit continued to flow out.

7) My pregnancy superpowers grow even stronger this time around! Without eating a bite, not only do I know what all food looks like as vomit, I know what it will tastes like too!**

8) The Holiday Rat moved in. And, while I wish this was another Bing Crosby Christmas musical, it's really just a huge, smart, nasty, sneaking upstairs while we're asleep and pooping by my couch, 12 trap evading RAT. And while our rat last year may have eaten our dishwasher, at least it was stupid enough to dive head first into our peanut butter traps.

There's more, but, really, it all includes vomiting in one form or another, so it may be best if I just go watch Chuck....

*Which is a disgusting frou-frou drink that you will never see in my hands- unless I'm holding it for Jon.
** Jon HATES when I bring this up while having dinner with people....