Saturday, January 31, 2015

Because There's A Super Foot Bowl Tomorrow

I am not a Seahawks fan.

Because I think Skittles are gross.

Of course I don't really understand what role the rainbow colored candy plays on the average Seahawks footballer's game day, but, judging from the cake I saw in the bakery case of our local QFC while I was grocery shopping this week, and this picture of this guy:

it's a pretty important one.

Now, before you get all #TBT up in my face, I'll admit it. Yes, in high school, I used to eat Skittles. And, I'm fairly certain this one time in the orchestra room, I said something along the lines of, "I love Skittles! It's like eating happiness in all the colors of the rainbow!"  Let's just put it down to experimentation with an unhealthy lifestyle, OK?  I mean, let's face it, we all did stupid things in high school.

Anyway, I was thinking that, what with the Super Foot Bowl coming up (GoogleGoogleGoogle Huh, look at that!) tomorrow, if I'm not a Seahawks fan, maybe I'm a (GoogleGoogleGoogle Yes, again.) Patriots fan!

No, seriously, hear me out. I once went to Philadelphia and do you know what I saw there? A statue of Benjamin Franklin's head completely made out of keys!

It was amazing! It was, literally, the most awesome statue in the history of statues! (Shut up, Michelangelo, no one was talking to you!) And, with Benjamin Franklin being considered one of the Founding Father's of our nation....

That's right.

You know where I'm going with this.

But then, I was on the Internet, and I read that House Key Franklin wasn't the original statue that was placed in front of that Philadelphia firehouse. There use to be one made out of pennies. And it could talk! A TALKING STATUE?!? DUDE! EVEN MICHELANGELO WOULD CONCEDE TO THAT AMAZINGNESS!

But Philadelphia broke it. 

So, now, I'll never be able to visit a talking statue.

That's right, Philadelphia, you just lost yourself one more Patriots fan. City of Brotherly Love? Pshaw! More like City Of No Talking Benjamin Franklin Statue So It's Not As Cool A City As It Use To Be. (That's right, you heard me Will Smith.)

I'd like to end my Super Foot Bowl post rant here. But I can't. Because, due to the indoctrination of our public school system, my kids are now rabid Seahawks fans.

As evidenced by their bedroom doors:

Which I didn't help decorate.

At all.


Which means, for the second time in two! years! (the agony of it all!), I will watch the Super Foot Bowl. With a book. And a pot of coffee. While wearing my "honest to goodness I bought it at a tailgate party outside of a real stadium" official football necklace. Because that's what supportive mother's have to do.

But I won't be wearing my football shirt.
You can thank Philadelphia for ruining that one Patriots.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Once I When I Was Teaching, A Kid Was Upset And Came And Asked Me Something In Spanish. I Walked Him Back To His Table And Explained To The Other Students The Importance Of Sharing And Then Directed Them To Give Him Back His Scissors. AND After They Apologized, THEY TOTALLY DID! This COMPLETELY HAPPENED Even Though I Speak, Like 10 Words Of Spanish With Any Confidence. Which Can Only Mean One Thing. I'm A Magic Spanish Speaker. Obviously.

Overheard from Katie's room while putting away the laundry upstairs:

Katie: Oh, heya, la laa falup tu ittty.
Ellie: Meya hi la oin fram is nally gram.
Katie: Sulla?
Ellie: Sulla!
Katie: No! Tramish grati sabad oinala uti ma sulla!!

That's when I whipped out my SuperMom cape and busted through the door.
(Start humming theme song to "Cops". I did.)

Me: HEY! Excuse me! I don't know what's going on in here, BUT IT STOPS! RIGHT! NOW!
Katie and Ellie: (looking like baby angels, puppies, teeny tiny chinchilla kits and scoops of vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles: all innocent like) What?
Me: (mom stare, you know the one, it comes with a disbelieving raised eyebrow) What. Are. You. Doing?
Katie: We're just speaking Spanish!
Ellie: Yeah! Like DORA! (add fluttering butterflies and rainbows here, because that's how people who are four years old talk)

And then I left, SuperMom cape metaphorically stuck firmly in the phone booth door.

Also, someone, please, tell me that there's a pair of siblings way off in Mexico City, sitting in their bedroom talking in complete nonsense, completely convinced they're speaking English. I have some pen pals for them.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

They Would Hang People For This Type Of Magic In Salem Times

Christmas vacation was magical this year.

And, I'm not just talking about the awesome six mile run through the Sonoran Desert Ginger and I took that one morning



Although, it WAS an unmistakably magical morning run.

I'm not talking about the magic Pearl, Chester and I viewed during our half mile walk through the most amazing living cave I've ever seen, either.

Kubla Khan
Which, let's face it, was more impressive until the park ranger used the word "Xanadu" and I started to giggle. Because I've seen that movie. With Olivia Newton John. On roller skates.

I'm talking about a shallower type of magic. A magic dealing more with the frivolous. The superficial. The cosmetic. You know, the fake kind.

See, we met up with an old high school friend of Jon's, and, as Jon and I went to the same high school and graduated the same year and all, obviously I remembered this guy too. This is how the magical conversation went:

Jon: Hey, Bob!
Bob: Jon! How are you?
Jon: Good. You remember Martha, right?
Bob: (blank stare)
Me: We had English together for like three years.
Bob: Huh. (pause) Are you thinner now than you were in high school?
Me: What!? Noooo.... (Begin to laugh, stupidly. Stop laughing, abruptly. Think. Process. Get. Smarter.) Yes. Yes I am. I am totally skinnier now than when I was in high school.

On a related note #1: Sadly, due to a horrible, um, recent, uhhhhh.., (looks around desk) oh! coffee accident this is the only picture that survives from my high school days:

On a related note #2: I've eaten next to nothing else but chocolate chip cookie dough, pizza and coffee for the last three days. And I feel gosh darn good about myself too.