Sunday, April 24, 2011

If You See Me Walking Around With Flames Coming Out Of My Head Hit Me With A Shot From The Fire Extinguisher

It's Easter, and while traditionally I should be writing a post about Jesus, Easter lilies, clucking Cadbury Creme Egg delivering rabbits and spiral sliced ham (Do you know what part of the pig that used to be? I do.) I'm not. Because, dude, everyone wrote one like that today. And, truthfully I only participated in two of the four traditions. Although... I did deal with a high number of butts today....

And now you all understand why I should not be writing a post about Easter.*

So... you get a post about Earth Day instead. It has less lightning bolts and fewer disapproving glares when I walk in to teach Sunday school next week.

(That's a page break up there. NO! Wait! That's an artistic page break! Yeah. Way cooler, right?)

This year in honor of Earth Day, Katie, Ellie and I bought the $5 soil test kit from our local Fred Meyer to test the soil in our Smart Car sized garden. Now, the non-existent gods of Earth Day had been messing with me good these past few months. Mostly in the form of overly prolific bacteria growth in Katie and Ellie and a colony of ants in my kitchen. Not cool, non-existent god's. Not cool at all. But last Friday, all was forgiven after a short science lesson and some flamingo dancing in the garden (to shake the test tubes, of course). Why? Because we got these results for our nitrogen:
What's that you say non-existent Earth Day gods? Drink more coffee? A lot of coffee? For the health of my little micro-environment? For the tiny baby strawberries that are just a gleam in the stamen of their father's eyes? Oookaaayy! (cue excited jumping, overly enthusiastic fist ka-chinging and giddy clapping)

Obviously, the non-existent Earth Day gods and I became besties within seconds! We were planning trips to the park, tea parties, yoga lessons! But, then, something weird happened. I looked at the results for the pot ash:

Um...awkward, right? I mean, here I was thinking that the non-existent Earth Day gods and I were total buddies now. Chums! Mates! Pals! Each other's sidekick even! And they go and throw a 4/20 at me. Dude....What's with that, non-existent Earth Day gods? It's like you don't even know me. I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to say it again: Not cool, non-existent Earth Day gods. Not cool at all. And this time? It's for realsies.

*Because invariably I would be forced to make a joke about Jesus and poop that would be, um, rather, kinda, yeah.... pretty much, um... inappropriate. It would however be historically accurate. Just sayin'.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Presents For Everyone!

I'm handing out virtual high fives, eighteen technologically decorated bonus points and a box of mac and cheese today! Why? Because Breezey has officially won my "Oh. My. Goodness. Why Is Martha Writing A List Of Things I Don't Want To Know About Her On The Internet? I Think She's Insane Contest"! Yay! So, Breezey, SMACK! (that was a high five) and here they are:

! # $ % & ( ) < > ? * + { @ [ } ] !

That's right! I used the fanciest keys on my computer to decorate your bonus points. Because you're my bestie! (giggle) And you're awesome. (Not giggling. Because being awesome is serious business.)

In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you she didn't actually guess correctly, but she did mention the correct answer in her comment. Breezey guessed:

6. I joined Fly Lady. Then one night while I was shining my sink I realized it had turned me into Petunia Dursley.
And, while, yes it seems embarrassing to admit to the whole Internet that I shine my sink every night because a woman wearing tennis shoes, a purple skirt and fairy wings told me to, it's not as embarrassing as the correct answer:

3. The last time I changed the oil in my truck was just before Katie was born. She turns four next week.

Because, lack of proper vehicular maintenance goes against every moral my parents tried to instill in me during my childhood. (Although I think there was also something about conserving water and not letting the cat eat your library books.) However, just in case you're reading this Mom and Dad, PUT DOWN THE PHONE! I CHANGED TO OIL IN THE TRUCK LAST WEEK, I DIDN'T LET THE WATER RUN WHILE BRUSHING MY TEETH AND I ONLY LET ELLIE CHEW ON MY LIBRARY BOOKS NOW! See? Eventually something sticks.

But, for all you people who didn't play my "She's Not Insane, She's Quirky! Game", I have something for you too.* Why? One, because it's my birthday and two, because these guys have the same taste in IKEA home furnishings as me, and three, not because I've noticed my traffic goes up when I post cute animal videos. Not at all.

*Because you don't have to play my stupid games to be awesome. (Again. This is my not giggling face.) However, you do miss out on the eighteen fancy technologically decorated bonus points, and the mac and cheese. (Yummy, creamy, cheesy mac and cheese mmmmmm........goooood!)

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I Almost Became One Of Them Or The Ghost Of Serious Posts Past

I've written posts in my head while driving. I've written posts in my head while switching laundry. I've written posts in my head while feeding kids. I've written posts in my head while stalking people on Facebook at 2:30 in the morning, and 3:30, and 4:30, and 5:30, and then stopped to yell at all my FBBFF's (internally, because just maybe the baby will go back to sleep again) to "POST SOMETHING! I'M BORED! AND CRANKY! AND SLEEPY! YOU MUST ENTERTAIN ME!" I've written posts sitting in the waiting room of the children's hospital while they wheel Katie into surgery. I've written posts while waiting for biopsy reports. And Cystic Fibrosis reports. And Crohn's reports. And celiac disease reports. I've written posts, but haven't published them, because, they were all, you know, serious and stuff. Not because I don't think you guys care, but, gosh golly gee willikers, but because sometimes my life is serious enough without getting all emo about it on the WWW*. If I did I'd have to use words like, "emotional roller coaster", "my heart has gotten a little sadder today", or "sending my prayers on the wings of a butterfly". (Blech! Blech! And, oh my goodness, did I seriously just write that?!) But, lucky for you guys, all the reports came back negative, the doctor removed a benign polyp and now I can go back to whining about running out of coffee, lack of sleep, and an excess of snot, vomit and tut-tut-tut in my life. I can also keep making fun of my enjoyment of teenage vampire phenomenon, morada siamangs, TURKEY! posters, technological knowledge, and pie. Yay!

What? I didn't tell you guys about the pie?


Sorry about that.

The Story With Pie

We had traveled seven sixtwoteen billion miles to go to Jon's cousin's wedding. Meaning, we drove. In our car. With Katie and Ellie. By the time we got there, my already limited brain functionality was limited even more. Like, whooooeeeoooo..... Yeah. Like that. Anyway, there was a wedding, there was sleeping in a hotel room with Ellie (the Up Every Two Hours Baby), Katie (the Sleep Moaner Groaner Thrasher) and Jon (the What? I'm Snoring? Again? Guy). There was hanging out at Jon's Grandmother's farm, where, yes, there was pie.

In case you didn't catch all that, let me sum up for you-There I am, a sleep-deprived-non-computer-game-playing-non-math-interested-hadn't-even-heard-of-The-Hobbit-until-I-was-23-and-thought-Cher-played-that-wizard-with-the-white-hair-in-The-Lord-of-the-Rings-movies-vegetarian, sitting in a chair with a baby on my lap and I'm ready for my dessert. Pie. I saw it come in. I want some now. However, my go to dessert guy is talking. Let me sound clip this for you:

Jon: The quantitative powers of the integers, blah, blah, blah
Me: (telepathically) Pie.

Jon's Cool Family Member: MakerBot, blah, blah, blah
Me:(still telepathically) Pie!

Jon: Cool shirt.
Jon's Other Cool Family Member: It's a subway map of The Shire, blah, blabbady, blah
Me: (optimistically and telepathically) Pie! :)

Jon's Other Other Cool Family Member: Golf, blah, blah, blah
Me: (loosing faith in telepathy) 3.14159256? pie....

Jon's Other Other Other Cool Family Member: Do you want to play the Wii? Blah, blee, bleebity, blee
Me: (telepathically AND kinetically with my elbow) PIE!!! NOW!!! BRING ME PIE!!!

End sound clip.

The moral of the story? If you see me sitting in the middle of a discussion focusing on Hobbits, MakerBots, golf, math and computer games, I am not interested. I just want pie.

*ie World Wide Web, which, back in the late 90's I kept calling it WWF in my head, because it just sounded more righter, then there was the whole World Wrestling Federation vs. World Wildlife Fund smack down and I eventually had to stop because Hulk Hogan and his friends lost and WWE just didn't sound cool. Or righter.