Thursday, June 30, 2016

Hints For Parents Traveling With School Age Children

Dudes. This year, the tradition of me walking down to the grocery store and buying my own birthday cake came to an end! Also ending this year was the tradition of Jon, staring June in the face, saying something like, "Hey! Isn't your birthday coming up?" Which means the end of the tradition of me rolling my eyes at Jon and mumbling something along the lines of, "Oh. My. Gosh. You totally ate that birthday cake. I bought. For myself."

It's sad when traditions die.

She said.


But this year! Jon remembered my birthday! And we celebrated! In Hawaii!

I know! I wouldn't believe myself either if I didn't have photographic evidence!

40. It hits you hard.

Oh. Oops. Wait. My bad. That was my 36th birthday. When we went out for pizza. I ordered a salad. That was a banner year.


THIS was my 40th:

I know! I'm totally getting prettier.
Just like Rodney Dangerfield in Iron Man*.
* Wait. Googlegooglegoogle. Oops.... That was Robert Downey Jr.
But, come onlet's face it,
my facial reference was spot on:

So, anyway, celebrity look alikes aside, there we all were, in Hawaii, swimming. In the hotel pool. For the third day in a row. When I realized, once again, that traveling with kids can be a challenge.

(And all the parents said, "Amen!")

Plus, come on, let's just face it people, most of the time it's not one of those good challenges. You know, like, running 13 miles so you can stuff waffles in your face! Waffles. Eaten. All day, people. All. Day. Yeah, traveling with children is soooo not that easy.

Traveling with children is more of a,'s a bad challenge.  You know, like, going to Zyggies Ice Cream Parlor with your friends and having Napoleon sit down and yell, "Non!" Then knock all your spoons away and eat the whole Ziggy Pig by himself.

That's what traveling with kids feels like. 

(And all the parents said, "Amen." Again. But sadder. Because they know it's true.)

But this trip! There I was sitting poolside, staring into the horizon, because someone told me that there was a real ocean out there, that people could swim in, children! Anyway, I looked over at the extra book Katie brought to the pool, you know, just in case, and I noticed that it had 870 pages. And she wasn't reading it. So I picked it up.





With your souls.

And your eyes.

But not your ears, because there's no audio file for this post.

Unless someone is reading it out loud to you, then, totally use your ears. Because otherwise you won't hear anything. And that'd be stupid.

But mostly listen with your souls, people.

Because listening with your souls sounds poetic.

No really. It does.



Fine. (Napoleon) 

I'll just use a soulless flow chart:

Dudes. I'm not even kidding. It was amazingly effective! I sat! I read! I metaphorically ate the Ziggy Pig! And whenever anyone tried to interrupt me I waggled Katie's book in the air and referenced this list:

Reference List of Handy Phrases to use while 
Traveling with School Age Children
  1. I'd pour you some cereal/make you a sandwich/get you a snack but then I'd have to stop.... (Raise book in air. Look sad.)
  2. I'd help you with your sunscreen but then I'd have to stop... (Raise book in air. Look sad.)
  3. I'm thirsty. I'll probably have to stop reading (Raise book in air. Look sad.) to go get it myself....
  4. Who thinks mommy is the prettiest ever? (Raise book in air. Look pointedly at child.)
  5. Coffee. Cold. Need more. (Raise book in air. Flip through pages still to read.)
  6. (Sounds of kids fighting) WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IF I HAVE TO COME IN THERE!?! (Slam book shut. Loudly.)
  7. Are you eating Cheez-Its? (Start to close book without a bookmark.)

And, like, the parental bonus points here?

You're totally teaching your children independence.

And self control.

And patience.

Mostly patience.

Lots and lots of patience.

What's on your summer reading list?