Friday, July 29, 2011

BANANAS!!! Crud. I Just Totally Ruined The Punch Line For You All.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Bananas who?
Bananas on a plate!

It's OK, I can wait for you to stop laughing uproariously.

Wait. Seriously? You're done already? Weird.... Because I recently found out on a road trip with Katie, there is nothing NOT funny about the word 'bananas'. So if you need more giggle time, I can totally upload some awesome elevator music to rock out to while I wait. No? Sure?

Oh thank goodness, people! Because I was thees close to having Micheal Bolton's "Said I Loved You... But I Lied" stuck in my head for the rest of the day.*

So, there I was with banana jokes cavorting around in my head, a giggling four year old in the back seat, 100 miles to go before we could sleep and a trigger thumb on my Twitter account, when this thought occurred to me, "If I twit that I'm off to the beach for a vacation the uber smart Buck-Roger-bots are going to know that I'm on vacation! They will know that I'm not at home! They'll be able to come into my house, install mind controlling devices in my microwave and bedside lamp, rearrange my underwear drawer and suck all the caffeine out of my coffee one bean at a time! Rude! Gross! And frankly, annoying, because I bet those brain implants give you tinnitus." So I did the only rational thing. I put my iPhone away. I played in the sand. I flew kites. I rode a bike. I went for glorious morning runs on the beach. I ate two Recess peanut butter cups and a cookie the size of my head. Obviously, I went vacation crazy, and it was awesome!

But I didn't want you all to feel left out, so I wrote down my tweets on a handy dandy (I make myself cringe with my slang sometimes too.) piece of paper. I'm sure it will be just like being there!

1. Stripey green maxi dress, purple shirt and pigtails. Nothing says, "I'm on vacation" like #DressingLikeAClown.

2. I don't think the McDonald's employees appreciated my homage as much as I did. #DressingLikeAClown

3. Um. Correction. Nothing says "I'm on vacation" like #DressingLikeAClown, but nothing smells like vacation like baby vomit all over the back seat.

4. This place has a 12 cup coffee maker and Jon is still in the shower. SCORE!

5. PB cookies the size of my head!!

6. Coffee tsunami! #LongBeachCoffeeRoasters

7. Vacation pics by four year olds can be kinda random.

8. Oh wait. Never mind. That was mine.

9. Apparently no matter how many times you say, "I have pita chips!" it doesn't turn them into real chips.


12. This town really loves it's razor clams. I'm just trying to fit in.

13. I think this guy needs to use the bathroom. I know the feeling dude.

14. It was just a two shot latte! I swear!

15. Jon's got skillz. Madcat skillz.

16. I want to hug him and squeeze him and love him forever! #sandsculpturecompetition

17. ARG! Croc-O-Pirate! #JakeTheAlligatorMan

18. I do realize alligators and crocodiles are different, but Alli-O-Pirate sounded stupid.

19. I am an ostrich cowboy.

20. Don't you hate tweets that basically say, "You had to be there"? #annoying

21. Check out deadlines make me crazy! Load the car! Load the car!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Because My Sister Said I Was Weird

Things that happen when your sister flies six quadrabillion miles for a visit:

1. Your car is licked by buffalo. Repeatedly.

(Well, hello there! I'll take that slice of bread with a jumbo side of saliva.)

2. You get spit on by dinosaurs.

(This is my, "This dinosaur is going to spit on me too, isn't it?" face. I wore it a lot.)

3. You take pictures of dead geoducks.

(And apparently sing, "Dig a duck, dig a duck, dig a geoduck, dig a duck, dig a duck, dig a duck a day!" all by yourself. Because I like to embarrass myself like that.)

4. Ellie eats dirt, and rocks, and sand, and grass-but NOT DEAD GEODUCKS!

(Another picture of the half-eaten, decomposing, stinking of Clamato juice, dead geoduck, courtesy of everyone who refused to sing the geoduck song with me. Seriously. CLAMATO! That tall glass of tomato and clam juice doesn't look so appetizing now, does it?)

5. You find out you need to worry about elbow germs in public restrooms.

(Seriously. Do you know where YOUR elbow has been?)

6. Someone picks the Fremont Troll's nose.
(This is a troll. That is his nose. This is an anonymous type person picking the nose. These are my mad Inkscape skillz. Try not to be jealous. Of the skillz, not the troll booger. Obviously you can't help being jealous of that.)

7. You make a birthday cake out of Rice Krispie Treats and chocolate frosting.

(Which due to the minority of the household voting for the kale and tofu birthday cake*, we had to actually go to the store to buy ingredients for.)

8. Hilarious, yet inappropriate jokes about butts, poop and cannibalism are made at the dinner table each night. (I blame Ellie. Or Jon. But not for the same reason. Probably.)

(Death stare if you name my cannibal Edward. I'm looking at you Jon.)

9. You learn not to wear Ellie on your back while attempting to ride a merry-go-round.

(cough-baby go splat-cough.)

10. After everyone leaves, you and Katie agree that the week totally earned the highly coveted Fish Bump of approval.

And, while my sister really did visit, I thought it would be more prudent to NOT post any pictures of her, because she's a spy. Or a teacher. Or a cupcake baker. Or the president of United States of America. Or I'm really embarrassing. Or I was too lazy to ask her. Or she's a cannibal. Probably the latter. Or the former? Crud. I always get those two mixed up....

Either way, you should totally come back soon! I'll keep a Fish Bump waiting for you!

*OK, I don't actually know if a kale and tofu birthday cake exists out there in the culinary type world, but I'm thinking with a little chocolate frosting, some sprinkles, might be kinda tasty. Or, I mean-Oooooo! YUCK! GROSS! WHO WOULD EAT THAT!?!