Sunday, February 16, 2014

It's About Trying And Experimenting And Being Creative. And, If It Doesn't Work Out, You Can Always Blame It On The Wobbly Octopus Biscuits

Both girls are down in the basement, happily building a car out of the now empty grapefruit box my parents shipped to us for Christmas from Arizona. They are working together. They are not fighting. (OK, there was a little fighting. But none for at least the last five minutes! OK, fine, two.) The tools they have chosen are two pairs of kid scissors, a glue stick, and from the sounds bouncing up the stairway our beach ball that looks like a globe. Truthfully, I have no idea how the beach ball helps them in the build of the car, but, heck, who am I to squelch the creative process?

Then, while sitting in the kitchen, gulping my coffee, I thought, "Dude! It's quiet, ish. This would be the perfect time to work on that blog post about basketball shorts, cocoa infused coffee from Trader Joe's, my new coffee cup and those Wobbly Octopus Biscuits!"

Which seemed like a great idea!

Until I read what I'd previously written.

And it was crap.

I was tempted to blame it, unfairly, on the Wobbly Octopus Biscuits, but then, after sneaking down to peek at the grapefruit crate car progress in my basement, I was reminded that, sometimes, it's not quality that's important, it's trying. And experimenting. Being creative. Just plain working on an idea, implementing it, seeing if, maybe, this time you can get it to balance on top of a beach ball globe as you sing the "Continents Song" you learned in Kindergarden over and over and over. Which, obviously, while sitting up here in the kitchen I'm speaking about metaphorically, but is being taken quite literally down in the basement. (And in my head, because, that song it totally stuck in there!)


Attempted Metaphorical Globe Balancing #1:

We receive quite a bit of junk mail addressed to "Or Current Resident" at our new house, including the February edition of the Nordstrom catalog. Which, through the power of marketing, modeling and other evils, suggested I buy the outfit on the left.

This is Nordstrom's, so, exactly, how many Benjamin's do you think this outfit, not including the shoes, would set me back?

A. 2
B. 5
C. 8
D. 10

Attempted Metaphorical Globe Balancing #2:

Ellie requested Wobbly Octopus Biscuits for dinner the other night. Are Wobbly Octopus Biscuits:

A. biscuits, with tiny baby octopi mixed in
B. biscuits, with cheese, to make it wobbly, and broccoli, to be octopus bones, mixed in
C. biscuits, covered with cheese and rainbow colored sprinkles
D. not really biscuits, but a soup made from refried beans, potatoes and carrots

Attempted Metaphorical Globe Balancing #3:

True (T) or False (F)

When reading Trader Joe's description of their Coffee a Cocoa in the Fearless Flyer this scene from My Three Sons was playing in my head.

Attempted Metaphorical Globe Balancing #4:

A. This is an awesome coffee cup Ellie made for me in her Parent and Me pottery class.
B.  This is an awesome coffee cup Katie made for me in her No Parents Allowed Kids Only Pottery Class.
C. This is the result of 7 weekly pottery lessons I took at the local community center. It's a coffee cup with a lizard on it.
D.  This is a coffee cup I found at the local thrift shop. HOW COULD ANYONE GIVE AWAY SUCH AWESOMENESS!


Want to attempt some metaphorical globe balancing too? Leave your answers in the comments section below! Extra points if you sing the "Continents Song" at the same time. LYRICS BELOW!!

North America, South America, 
Europe, Africa, Aaaaaasia! 
Don't forget Australia! 
Don't forget Antaaaaarctica! 
Then repeat. 
And again. 
You're not done yet.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

I Skipped Number 8 Because One Should Not Have R Rated Conversations With Siri

It's likely that, if I'd been a true blue and green member of the Seahawks fandom, instead of just a wannabe in it for a cheap cup of coffee, I'd have realized that last Wednesday was the worst day in the history of all interstate road travel to schedule a meeting that resulted in having to drive a car through Seattle. Like, over 700,000 people standing in freezing weather watching football players being transported past Pike's Place in a fleet of amphibious WWII era vehicles named after a common waterfowl worth of bad idea. In my opinion. Either way, it is quite large.  It also meant that I was stuck in the car. For a really long time. With only Siri to talk to. And she was being particularly stupid that day with her note takings. So, in honor of the 12th man parade (which, still, no one will explain the historical significance of) I typed up

Siri's Top 12 Worst Understandings Over 70 Miles Of Freeway Through Horrible Traffic
Without Any Explanations 
Because I Don't Remember What I Was Trying To Say
Although I Did Give Siri A Chance To Explain Today
Because I'm Nice Like That

1. D is for dancing. 

Siri's: I don't see any places matching "D is for dancing". Sorry about that.
Me: Do you even like dancing?
Siri: This is about you, not me.

2. What is the significance of the cat?

Siri: I didn't find anything for the significance of the cat.
Me: Did you even try?
Siri: Now there's a good question. Now, where were we?
Me: What is the significance of the cat?
Siri: I did not find anything for the significance of cat. Search the web?
Me: Ok.
Siri: (Searches web)
Me: (waiting, glancing, sighing) Siri, you found absolutely no results! It's like you're not even trying!
Siri: Is that so?
Me: Yes!
Siri: That's what I figured.

3. The car inside your finger. Is there a filming of Matt Matt I did not know about?

Siri: I found six auto dealers.
Me: I don't want to buy a car.
Siri: Ok then.
Me: I still want to know about the car inside your finger.
Siri: I found six auto dealers.
Me: Siri, I still don't want to buy a car. How about, is there a filming of Matt Matt I did not know about?
Siri: (shows me the nearest car dealership on the map)

4. Beat up car to the side you'll anchor in price. Cut off Muckler behind. Is there a free Delmayne of bad?

Siri: (indignantly) I'm just trying to help you.

5. Butt based traffic today.

And then Siri showed me a map of the traffic. And you know what? She was right. Because days later people are still queued up to leave Seattle.

6. Very taking notes.

Siri: I found all of your notes.
Me: Can you read them all to me?
Siri: I can if you update to the latest version of iOS.
Me: Well, crapazoidal, I don't know how to do that. She totally just called my bluff!

7. U-Haul behind me Rathbourne iPad.

Siri: I'm not sure I understand
Me: U-Haul behind me Rathbourne iPad.
Siri: I'm not sure I understand
(That. 12 more times. (And, yes, I kept track.) Then Siri gave in and offered to look up "U-Haul behind me Rathbourne iPad" in my address book. But she didn't find anyone with that name. Ooo! Thought! Anyone want a new nickname?)

8. Deleted. On purpose. Also. Related: Do not ask Siri to take a note regarding any type of trucking business with children in the room. 

9.  Having Siri take notes for me in the car and listening to her messed up. It's rather distracting from the heavy traffic due to the Seahawks game this afternoon it, Doneghan! Get the parade! My mistake. A parade because they won the game which was last weekend. 

Siri: I created your note.
Me: What? I don't want you to take a note. I want you to explain the meaning behind the note.
Siri: Ok. I created that note.
Me: Siri, no. Stop taking notes.
Siri: Ok. I created that note.
Me: (face palm)

10.  I hate steak salad sandwich coffee. Angle blueberries down for lunch.

Siri: I see. Noted.
Me: Where did you note that?
Siri: I don't know. Frankly I've wondered that myself.
Me: So, do you hate steak salad sandwich coffee too?
Siri: I'm afraid i don't know the answer to that.
Me: Have you ever tried steak salad sandwich coffee?
Siri: Who me?
Me: Yes, you.
Siri: You?
Me: Seriously!?! It's "Couldn't be" Siri. Geesh!

11.  Note that on my phone before it blows up. For, I get to blowup like Mommy Lichtenstein up at 11!

Siri: I couldn't find any blood banks.

12. 12 Maneos the Hawks! Go Hawks! Game! Football with the football! I don't know anyone here!

Siri: I am searching the web for " 12 Mancos the Hawks! Go Hawks! Game! Football with the football! I don't know anyone here!"
Me: What? Without even being asked!
(And then she took me to this webpage.)
Me: Dude! A book written by a gunrunning poet? I need me a trip to the library!
(And then Siri mapped the nearest library. Because she's helpful like that.)