Tuesday, September 19, 2017

My Kids Know More About Jigsaw Jones Than Sherlock Holmes.

My kids loose things. All. The. Time. Shoes, lunch boxes, library books, hairbrush, pajamas, special stuffed animals they simply can't sleep without, water bottles, backpacks.... I'm literally talking everything that they can physically pick up with their own two hands, set down again in a slightly different place, walk away from for like 20 seconds-Poof! *gasp* It's gone!

And, people, there are days, I look them dead in the eyes, when they have asked me to find something for them, and think, "Dude. Are you, kidding me with this? Because, I can't-I can't even-you know what? I'm gonna-I'm gonna-I'm just gonna goooo...pour myself another cup of addiction caffeine coffee and, just, take a beat." And then, I turn to my dealer coffee pot, and pour that cup full to the brim and say, in my best Snow White voice, "Oh, sweetie. It sounds like it's time to put on that detective cap and break out your mad Jigsaw Jones Skillz."

Because parenting through the exploitation of popular children's literature is kinda my thing.

And, yesterday, when I was on my third Jigsaw Jones poured cup of coffee of the morning, I realized that, last week, when I asked you all to play the

Is it Vomit 
Is It Diarrhea? 

I asked you all to play without providing any Jigsaw Jones clues. Which someone pointed out to me on Facebook. Anonymously. *cough*Ginger*cough*

A List of Jigsaw Jones Clues 
About This Picture:

That I Took Of A Mystery Substance
That Showed Up In My Yard
A Week Ago

1. Smell
There was no smell, really, to speak of. Which, could be a red flag for most people, but, see, unlike at least 51.09% of the world's population, I've been pregnant. Twice. And that lack of smell? All it did was bring back, in vivid recollection, the time my friend invited me over for dinner and made bean soup. Not 10 minutes after eating a whole bowl full, up it came. Into the toilet. And guys? It totally smelled the same, and, a detail you didn't need to know, but, must be shared to keep the spirit of every pregnancy story ever told alive, it full on tasted just the same. (I'm telling you it was a really good soup, Edna! Both times!)

2. Visual
Really, this one was pretty much covered in the Snap-Chatted pic above. And, anyone that's parented a child with diarrhea will tell you that, sometimes? You can see aaaallll the bits. (Especially corn.) Yes, even after their food has ridden that twisty roller coaster called the large intestine.
Like looking in a mirror, people.

A scary butt mirror. 
3. Taste.

4. Previous Knowledge
This would not be the first time I'd found weird things in my yard. I mean, sure, it's not a weekly occurrence, but, it happens! I mean, these items can range from an answer to prayer to, well, kinda creepy, really.

  • a cute little kitten who shows up when I enjoy my morning cup of coffee outside
  • a pair of glasses
  • a car radiator 
  • a pair of pants with $250 in the pocket

5. The Lay of the Land (aka) The Inside Straight (aka) The Skinny (aka) All The Cluez Jon Pointed Out When He Got Home After I Yelled, "Come Look At This! It's Gross!" And Dragged Him Back Outside
  • An opened bag of kelp fertilizer
  • A watering can, three feet away, dregs of mystery substance inside
  • Drying water(?) rivulets coming out from main... deposit
  • Jon and the girls planted carrots at the beginning of the summer next to the fence just outside the picture

So, after writing down all these clues in pixels and Javascript, I realize that the world can't really be broken up into two camps: vomit and diarrhea. I mean, there are probably many different Sherlockian deductions one could come to with all this info. 

A Sample Deduction, 
For Illustrative Purposes, 

Someone, in the dark of the night, stumbled into our yard, saw the bag of kelp fertilizer left sitting on the deck stairs, and thought, "Kelp. That's seaweed! Duuuuuude! It's free sushi in a bag!" (Did I mention, in my head, this person is, like, really drunk). 

The inebriated person pulls out a spoon (which they keep on their person for obvious ice cream reasons) and begins to shovel the kelp fertilizer directly into their stomachs, through their mouths because this is a believable deduction and doesn't have aliens in it. 

Almost immediately, the inebriated person's stomach yells out, "THIS IS NOT SUSHI!" And projectile vomits into the watering can, sitting just to the left of the not really sushi kelp bag.

And, just like when you were 6 and you vomited into your sister's sand bucket on the family road trip, guilt sets in, and our inebriated friend tries desperately to clean out the watering can using the garden hose. 

It doesn't work, and they scramble off, leaving a big pile of:

in my yard. 

Jon has his own, different deduction, but, let's face it. He left the kelp fertilizer out on the deck. He's cheating. 

Note: In the spirit of fair play and wanting to keep all felony charges off my record, I should probably award all players of the Is It Vomit Or Is It Diarrhea? Game 250 points and send each and every one of you a box of mac and cheese. 

Yes, even if you don't want it, Anonymous. Because them's the rules. And I know where you live! 

Ok. That sounded creepy. Don't worry, Internet, Anonymous knows it's not. 



You can comment on this post! With your own deduction!! And I'll send you TWO boxes of mac and cheese!!!

Or none....


If you insist. 

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

The Kids Have Gone To School. I Live In The City. I Can Make A Game Out Of That! (P.S. I'm Sorry)

My kids have gone back to school this last week.

Dudes! The house is so QUIET!

Plus? I can, like, get soooo much done!

For instance, today? I was, like, super efficient and was able to get out in the front yard, do some weeding AND play a round of the game:

Is It Vomit?
Is It Diarrhea?

Which, as everyone knows, can only be played properly

With pictures.


But classy close-ups. 

Wait, Mr. DeMille, 

I can totally make this picture classier. 

Totes better. 

Ok, fine, I know what you're thinking, "Martha, it's 2017, not 1952,  people don't classy things up DeMille style anymore, you need to Snap Chat that.......stuff."




I mean, well... sure. 

I guess I could!

How's that? 

Maybe add a filter?

And a frame!!

Step. Back. Willis.

I have the most 'tim-mate idea! Ev. Er.

1) Snap Chat flower wreath,

2) Filter it with a vintage Polaroid look


3) A funky camera angle to show that the unidentified crap in my yard doesn't take itself too seriously, you know, in the whole "I just woke up like this" Instagram pic style.


No. But, in all seriousness, people. 

Is it vomit or diarrhea? 

Award yourself 250 points (YES A WHOLE 250!!!) if you play the game 
I'll send a box of mac and cheese to the winner!

I'm not kidding.