Saturday, October 5, 2013

Consumption: It's A Genteel Disease

Top Ten Things I've Been Doing This Month Instead Of Sculpting A Life Size Statue Of Sandy Hawkins Out Of My Own Mucus, Not Because Of Lack of Mucus Production You Understand, But Because It Would Be Gross. And I Lack Storage Jars. But Mostly The Gross One.

10.  Nicknaming Ellie, Ruby Gillis, because whenever we go out in public she likes to cough, genteelly, into her elbow. And, because, it's now October and I'm allowed to make obscure literary references in all my macabre jokes.

9.  Researching the word "conkers" that I heard on Kipper while waiting to pick up Katie at school instead of talking with all the other parents.  Because I already talked to the checker at the grocery store that day and I'm completely out of small talk subjects.

8.  Meeting new neighbors and making awkward comments about toilets and toilet drains.  Why? Dude. You read number 9, right?

7.  Pushing Ellie's tricycle with my foot to make it go faster, while yelling, "Nitrous oxide!", as we race to pick up Katie from school each afternoon and wondering how long it will be before I'm recruited by the Seahawks like Tony Danza in The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon.

6.  Researching the gangs of New York and warning Jon to stay away from anyone giving someone bunny ears during his trip for work. Because history repeats itself. And because that's how the members of the gang, The Dead Rabbits, identified one another in that Martin Scorsese movie.

(Unrelated note: I've never seen more than two minutes of Gangs of New York (Dudes! That movie was scary!) but this totally sounds like a legit gang sign that people would use in the late 19th century. Obviously.)

5. Swirling our over abundance of CSA zucchini into each and every item that comes to the dinner table.  Secretly, because, apparently, I'm the only one in the house who actually likes zucchini. We're having refried beans for dinner tonight. *wink*wink*

4.  Running exactly 2.15 miles. Once. A week ago.  Then cursing all the non-existent gods of sickness until I was blue in the face. Which, truthfully, with my amount of chest and head congestion took only about one minute, or 30 seconds if I'm walking up the stairs.

3. Signing up for a 10K at the end of November, because, sometimes, you have to show those non-existent gods of sickness who wears the TURKEY! hat in the relationship.
I do, non-existent gods of sickness. I. Do.
2.  Brainstorming vegetarian flavored swear words:

  • Bologna
  • Haggis
  • Pigs feet
  • Turducken

1.  Writing this list.  Because I'm sick. And because, apparently, my head can only do one thing at a time, and right now it's totally obsessed with mucus. Seriously, even if I start now, I could still make that statue.


  1. Only you could make a very funny blog entry about being sick with the cold of the century. We have had it in our family, and it is everything it is cracked up to be. Be well soon, but keep on writing your great blog :-)

  2. You know, if we all pool our resources we could really do Sandy Hawkins justice!

  3. A pool of mucus. Ew with double ew sauce on top.

    1. Ew sauce! We could totally use that for structural things!