Welcome To My Totem Pole Of A Life

Do you know what totem poles have?
Right, tops.

And, you know what they also have, right?
(Insert knowing stare and one raised eyebrow here.)
Bot...toms.

Dude. I can totally see your expression from all the way over here and I raise your exasperated "Martha, again?" sigh with my famous piqued look. Wait. PERFECT PLAN!! Is there such a thing as a facial expression poker series? Because, you and I, we'd totally be a lock. Or, we'd completely draw thin during the frenzy that happens when one of us plays the chameleon. Just kidding. I'm totally coffeehousing you*.

The Scene: Yesterday. In the car. While I was driving the kids to get pizza. For dinner. After playing at the splash park. For five hours.

Katie: (looking up from her book) Mom?
Me: Yes?
Katie: (sweetly) You're the best mom ever.
Ellie: (Interrupting. Like a chicken. It's a thing. You can Google it.) NO SHE'S NOT! BELINDA IS!
Katie: (in her, I'm-Right-Voice) No. Mom is the best mom ever.
Ellie: (Interjecting. Like a chicken. But don't bother Googling it. Interjecting chickens is not a thing. Because the Internets is boring like that.) NUH-UH! BELINDA IS! WENDELL TOOOOLD ME SO!
(FYI: Wendell is Belinda's son.)
Katie: (eye roll, continuing, in her explaining voice) It's just something you say, Ellie.


And, because I've seen this article floating around Facebook, this totally means I'm kicking Belinda's butt in the the mommy wars. Right?
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Right?
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Um, Dudes, RIGHT!?!
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OK, fine, there's a dessert in it for you if you just agree with me here people.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Feel free to blast "We Are the Champions", because I totally am. (But not you. Belinda.)

And, because I follow through on my promises:

Enjoy. I just saved you 11 grams of unnecessary sugar. 

*P.S. You can find anything on the internet!

My Sister Broke Her Foot. She Blames Me. But, Dudes, She Hardly Has A Leg To Stand On. Ba-Dum-Bum-CHING!

I broke Pearl's foot.

It's either because last week I literally* pushed her off the stairs by having this conversation with her during our family vacation back in July:

Pearl: I was thinking, maybe I should walk more for exercise. It's just so hot in the summer in Ariz-
Me: WE SHOULD TRAIN FOR A HALF MARATHON TOGETHER! THAT'D BE SOOOO AWESOME!!!
Pearl: I-
Me: WAIT! I KNOW THE PERFECT ONE!!!! LET'S START NEXT WEEK!
Pearl: You-
Me:  I'LL EMAIL YOU THE TRAINING SCHEDULE! THIS IS GOING TO BE SOOOOO FUN!

Then, a weirdly weak high five and a, supposedly??, embarrassing Carlton celebratory dance later, Pearl walked out of the room. To contemplate on the awesomeness of our phenomenally perfect plan. Obviously.

Of course, it could also be because I'm *^*~magical~*^*. But, not *bibbi-di-bobbi-di-boo* a hypoallergenic cat serving an endless supply of coffee and almond croissants has just appeared in your living room magical. More along the lines of *bibbi-di-bobbi-di-BWHAHAHAHA* here's 4-6 weeks of horrific pain and inconvenience magical.

I don't know how it happened either. Someone should alert Hogwarts.

But, because I'm a caring, thoughtful, although unfortunately unintentionally evilly magical, sister, I've been sending her text messages to keep her mind off of the pain. The agony. The pounding torment and suffering constantly radiating from the crumbled, crushed, mangled and fragmented small bones in the middle of her foot. (Related note: Thesauruses are fun!)

Of course it took a bit to ramp up:

Me: Still standing? Like a flamingo?
Pearl: Yeah. You're funny.

And, after an evening of honest personal reflection, I realized, you know? I really am.

And so the next day:

Me: It's Friday! What's hoppining this weekend?
Pearl: I'm meeting up with some friends for my birthday and Chester (my nephew) wants to take me out to lunch. Then I have some work to do.
Me: That's an awful lot HOPPINING!
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(no reply)
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Me: Maybe you should SKIP something.
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(no reply)
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Me: It just sounds like you're BOUNCING around from thing to thing.
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(no reply)
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Me: Are you sure you want to JUMP into it all?
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(no reply)
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Me: Aw, never mind. LEAP into adventure!
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(no reply)
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Me: Maybe add another TRIP.
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(no reply)
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Me: You're right. Your opportunities should be BOUNDless on your birthday weekend.
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(no reply)
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Me: You shouldn't be HOBBLED by conventions.
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(no reply)
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Me: Don't let me put a HITCH in your giddy up.
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(no reply)
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Me: I mean, I HARDLY HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.
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(no reply)
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Me: Um, I feel like our conversation is just LIMPING along.
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(no reply)
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Me: Dude, you're leaving me in the LURCH here.
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(no reply)
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(she's probably just busy or something)
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(still no reply)
Then!:
Pearl: This has gotten really old.

That's when I stopped texting her.

But not because Pearl was becoming tired of my ingenious punny humor. Pish! As if! That was shear comedic GOLD! Obviously. But because Katie asked to text her poor gimpy Aunt Pearl a message. All by herself:

Katie: I hop you feel better soon.

Kids. They're kinda awesome.

*I am not using the word literally correctly. Unless you're Pearl.