Friday, May 15, 2015

I Like To Yell, "Bring Me Your Head!" When I Want To Apply Shampoo. Because It's Funny.

So the other evening, while I was frantically jumping up and down behind a gaggle of mother's in the girl's locker room after swim lessons, trying desperately to get Ellie to wash her own hair and body without actually having to enter the shower area, it occurred to me. Dude. This is how that whole refereeing thing in sports got invented.

How To Wrangle Kids After Swim Lessons Using Referee Signals From Various Sports. But Mostly Wrestling, Because, Let's Face It, They're Pretty Much Wearing Swimsuits Already.  

This doesn't mean "Start the injury clock":

It means, "HURRY UP! Kid's are waiting! Seriously, this other little girl's lips are turning blue!"

And this doesn't mean, "Illegal Hold or Unnecessary Roughness":

It means, "Scrub your head. Better. Better than that. Come on, Dude! Really get in there. S-C-R-U-B" Follow it with the don't-make-me-come-in-there look.

This does not mean "Potentially Dangerous Left or Right Hand":

Nope. It means, "Rinse. Your hair. THIS side." Repeat as needed. Don't forget the hip drop. To show your seriousness.

Also, there's no way this means, "Flagrant Misconduct Left or Right Hand":

It means, "Rinse THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD!" Make sure you swirl your hand around. Really well. It helps get the seriousness of the message across. Trust me, the kids don't care if it turns your hair into a huge frizzy mess. Actually, it will make you look cool. Like Hermione.

This isn't "Stalemate":

Nope. It's, "Please take off your swimsuit and hand it to me." Make sure you bring the arms down along your body. Add a hip wriggle. Make sure it's realistic. Ignore the stares of other mothers. YOUR yoga pants aren't soaked up to the knee from darting into the shower area.

This one means,"Indicating No Control":

The NFSHSA Wrestling Officials totally got that one right. I just happen to call it, "Stop. Stop! STOP! We do not run in the locker room! Do you want to get a concussion!?!" Potato/potata.

Then finally you get to give the, "Replay/Re-serve" signal:

Which, as we all know means, "Yay! All done! Good job! Turn off the shower! You're done. Turn it off. I mean it. Now. TURN. IT. OFF." Which looks a lot like "Scrub your head" around the eyes, but the thumbs give it a different meaning.

And for the big finale? Fluttering. That's right, you flutter that purple and blue striped swim towel on the sidelines, just outside the spray zone, until their little eyes turn red and they charge.

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