Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Sound Bites Of The Summer. But Not Real Sound Bites, Because That Would Be Cruel*.

From the TSA line we've stood in for over an hour and a half:

Agent: M'am? Is this your bag? I'm going to have to look through it.
Me: (closing eyes, needing to count to 10, but only have time to count to three) Okfine.Butcanwebequickplease?I'm late!
Agent: (puts down my bag, looks me in the eye) Why are you in such a hurry, m'am? Is something wrong? What are you late for?
Me: (Finishes the count from 4-10, because apparently I have to explain what happens when you miss a flight to an airline employee.)

Eavesdropping, Solidarity Sister Style, in the bathroom at Target:

Kid in stall: Mom! Mom! Did you you hear that toot!?!
Mother leaning against stall door: (closes eyes) No. Sweetie. (takes breath) I did not hear that toot.
Kid in stall: Yeah! Because that was how quiet I was tooting!

From the Family Reunion:

Random Family Member, possibly more than one of them, at different times: You're a... vegetarian? But. It's just you, though, right?
Me: Yes.... And these two. (gestures toward Katie and Ellie) That I made. With my uterus.

In the living room, at 9:58 pm:

Me: Ellie? Why are you out of bed?
Ellie: Remember? Miniature trash can. (picks up plastic cup from tea set, goes back upstairs)
Me: (thinking, counting pages to end of book, deciding) Nope. Not worth it. (settling back into couch)

Climbing into bed:

Me: (contented sigh) It's nice having a guest room. I like to think of our guests all filed away, nice and tidy like, down in the basement.
Jon: Um, that's creepy, Martha. (pause) You know that's creepy, right?

Looking up from weeding in the front yard:

Me: (whispering, to myself, inside my head, because you shouldn't point out naked men to the children) Hedges: the landscaping choice that makes neighbors wonder if the new guy in the neighborhood is a nudist or just enjoying a shirtless summer Seattle day....

Biking Around The Neighborhood:

Ellie: (singing) I've got peace like a river,
I've got peace like a river,
I've got peace like a river in my soul!
I've got love like an ocean, I've got love like an ocean,
I've got love like an ocean in my soul.
I've got joy like a fountain,
I've got joy like a fountain,
I've got joy like a fountain in my sooooooooooouuuuullll!
Me: (rudely, under my breath, because this is not the first round of this song) Jazz hands!
Ellie: Mommy, you know what? When I sing the words it makes me feel that way in my SOUL! (resuming song) I've got peace like a-
Me: (interrupting) NEW VERSE!
I've got patience like a creek now,
I've got patience like a creek now,
I've got patience like a creak now in my-
Ellie: No. Mommy. I don't feel that in my soul.
Me: Neither do I little one. Neither. Do. I.

Reading through the packing list for church camp:

Letter: No pants with writing on the backside.
Me: Wait. Are they serious? (yelling, loudly) Hey! Jon! You know what I can't bring to camp? My yoga pants printed with John 3:16 across the butt and my t-shirt that says "Bathsheba Is My Spirit Woman" spelled out in rhinestones!
Jon: (exasperated sigh) Do you even own those clothes?
Me: (tsk) Noooo. But now I want to. There is a serious hole in the whole Jesus wear market.

*The title of this post was inspired by Bare Naked Ladies. And, yes, I find saying things like that very entertaining.

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