Friday, January 6, 2017

Like Most New Year's Resolutions These Have One Foot In Reality And The Other In, *Sniff-Phew*, Something Else

New Year's Resolutions, more or less.

Probably less.

Because I'm lazy.

1. Find the body parts that got lost in the car last year so I can quit living in fear of being pulled over by the police and explaining myself to the officer and her cadaver dog. (Note: Don't freak out, people. The body parts are from the children.)

2. There's a hot dog restaurant in my neighborhood. They serve a Greek Dog: hummus, kalamata olives and tzatziki sauce. Continue to bike on by or try it? Must. Make. A. Decision! (Because my rubber necking is getting embarrassing. People are starting to wave.)

3. Quit cracking cannibalism jokes when making children climb into giant frying pans while on vacation.

"Hey kids! What's a cannibal's favorite food? Baked BEINGS!
Smile pretty for mama!"

4. Tell that story about the last time I went bra shopping and the little old lady sales clerk kept bringing over push up bras and giggling over how much padding was in the cup. And then making me squeeze them.

5. Invent the evolutionary gene for retractable breasts. So women never have to go bra shopping again*.

What resolutions did you make this year?

*You need to feed your baby? Pop! Out they come! Running a marathon this weekend? Sloop. Done and done back in they go and no need for expensive running bras! This would be perfect for all sorts of women: new mothers, runners, strapless dress wearers, Dolly Parton impersonators-The target market is simply enormous! Or not. Because it’s your choice.

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