As You Like It: A Critic's Review. An Impartial One. Like A Review Siskel and Ebert Would Have Written If They'd Had A Child

Katie's class performed As You Like It last night. Yes, the play by THE William Shakespeare. With the real words and everything! Now, I don't know about you, but when I was in 5th grade I was steadily reading my way through the complete collection of Sweet Valley High and the only stage presence I had was as Minister #2 in The Emperor's New Clothes. I certainly wasn't lying in wait each evening for when my mom would wander upstairs and start yelling things like, "Dirty socks on the floor! Here! Right! Here! Seriously! Why can't you- And DID YOU PEOPLE EVEN HANG UP YOUR WET TOWELS? NooOOooo! Goodness gracious chiiiiiildren, go, go, GO! DO THE THINGS I ASKED YOU TO DO LIKE TWELVE TIMES ALREADY!!!" just so I could look her dead in the eye (the eye, peeps) and say, "Your gentleness shall force more than your force move us to gentleness." *tsk* Cheeky child, I tell you.

But, my offspring's Shakespearean insubordination aside, I was quite impressed with the quality of the performance last night. It was presented "in the round", with minimum props. However, the sparsity of the props, I thought, helped us to focus more on the actors and the flow of Shakespeare's iambic pentameter rather than boom boxes, Cabbage Patch dolls and Rubik's Cubes.

Because.

Duuuudes!

The play was themed 80s! No joke. It was tubular. I mean, it was like the story arc of all 5 seasons of Saved by the Bell plus the made for TV movie Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas. For cereal. Now, before you literary zeeks are all, "What's your damage, Martha? I mean, like, gag me with a spoon, they are totally not the same, let's bounce." Take a chill pill. I think it works.

First, let's introduce the characters of As You Like It and their Bayside High doppelgangers:

Rosalind 

beautiful, a leader, quick witted, the intellectual heroine of our story 

aka Jesse Spano

Celia

sweet, devoted, the moral heroine of our story

aka Kelly Kapowski

Duke Senior

a kind fair-minded ruler who is easily tricked out of his power

aka Mr. Belding

Duke Frederick

spiteful and petty, would steal power at any chance he gets, and he does

aka Mr. Tuttle

Orlando

strong, handsome, but also brave and chivalrous

aka AC Slater

Touchstone

the jester, witty but is always underestimated by his friends

aka Samuel "Screech" Powers

Oliver

rich, petty, jealous, let's face it, kind of a jerk, who somehow gets everyone to like him in the end

aka Zack Morris

Homefry, I kid you not, these characters totally fit right into the plot of As You Like It too. It's legit, man.

The Plot

of

As You Like It

aka

Saved by the Bell

So, you have this kingdom (Bayside High) where Duke Senior/Mr. Belding, the kind, fair-minded ruler has been banished by the spiteful and petty Duke Frederick/Mr. Tuttle to the Forest of Arden (aka The Max). Also, there's this guy, named Oliver/Zack Morris who comes up with this crazy get rich scheme that will only work if his brother Orlando/A.C. Slater wrestles Hulk Holgan or The Macho Man or someone. Spoiler Alert: The scheme doesn't work. But, after witnessing Orlando/Slater totally beat down this other muscle-y guy, Rosalind/Jesse Spano is all, "Oooo, Orlando/Slater is choice. He's more than a meat head jock. He's brave, chivalrous, and smart too." and falls in love with him. But, then Duke Frederick/Mr. Tuttle banishes Rosalind/Jesse and her cousin Celia/Kelly Kapaowski to the Forest of Arden/the Max as well!

And that's when things start to get all mental. Because, like, everyone is eventually hangin' at the forest/the Max doing all sort of mondo weird stuff like pinning notes on trees and dancing to Endless Love by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie. (I know, gag me with a spoon.) I mean, you have Rosalind/Jesse, disguised as a boy, roaming the forest with sweet, devoted, good natured Celia/Kelly and their goofy, and always underestimated sidekick, Touchstone/Screech Powers. There's Orlando/Slater wandering the forest trying to avoid the fall out from Oliver/Zack's evil get rich scheme, and there are a bunch of other people in the forest with their own side stories-who we'll just call Maxwell Nerdstrom, Violet Ann Bickerstaff, Louise and Ox.

In the end, after much high jinx, Duke Senior/Mr. Belding is re-instated as Principal. Rosalind/Jesse and Orlando/Slater are going steady.  Touchstone/Screech doesn't end up with anyone, but, let's be honest, he never was going to. And, of course, Oliver/Zack shows up at the end and is all, "Psych! I'm a good guy now! No more of those crazy mental get rich schemes for me anymore. I'm totally gnarly now guys. Can we be friends?" And, do you know what everyone says? They say, "Dude! You are so forgiven. We all think you're the bombdigity now!" And then, Oliver/Zack and Celia/Kelly get married. Because, of course Zack gets the girl in the end.

It was, by far, the best rendition of a Shakespeare play I have, literally, ever seen in my life. For cereal.

But, there is a downside to all this mega bulk-o-rama-ness. A short run. Two shows, and it's gone. No more to be seen, appreciated, danced along to (note play list below). And, perhaps one could argue that it's exclusivity lent to it's awesomeness, but, I would disagree. Those kids earned each and every one of their five star review.

Especially this kid.

But, for you, dear reader, who sadly missed out on Katie's 5th grade class's first and last five star worthy performance, I leave you with their soundtrack. So, pull your Complete Works of Shakespeare off your shelf, and pump up the jam. It's almost like being there.


Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go by WHAM

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper 

Endless Love by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie

Don't You Forget About Me by Simple Minds

Should I Stay or Should I Go? by The Clash

Eye of the Tiger by Survivor

Walk This Way by RUN DMC

Whip It by DEVO

True Colors by Cyndi Lauper

JUMP by Van Halen

This Is What Happens When You Write Bad Poetry And Print Your Home Address On The Title Page Of Your Self Published Book

This post has been rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence, peril and scary images.

Sometimes things get too much. There is too much to do, too much to organize, too much of things not working how I envisioned them to work in my head.  And, let's face it. That get's frustrating. And, while running can help cool the ball of aggravation simmering in my belly, sometimes, I need more. Because I've turned into Fluttershy and have made Pinky Pie and Rarity cry. Figuratively speaking. Unless you think I've nicknamed my kids Pinky Pie and Rarity, which, then, I bow to your mad Jigsaw Jones skillz. And, apparently, I'm not as clever as I thought I was.

So, the days when I find myself sprinting through the house from the computer (and it's evil piles of email) to the coffee pot while all the caffeine I've already drunk courses through my veins, taking 2 or 3 laps around the neurons in my brain and exploding out the sweat glands in my armpits like a green Mitsubishi Eclipse with too much NOS from the first Fast and Furious movie, I like to disengage from the world.

And hunt down people on the Internets.

With nefarious purposes in my mind.

Like a modern day Agatha Christie.

But with less follow through on the actual writing a murder mystery part.

My newest mark?

Benjamin F. Brown.

Yeah. This guy.

See, he's a poet. And each night, after a chapter from one of the books from the Anne of Green Gables series, I read a poem to my girls. I've gone through all our Shel Silverstein books, Edward Lear, TS Elliot, Robert Frost, Emily Dickinson.... But, we bogged down with Walt Whitman. So, I pulled this slender tome off my shelves:

I knew I had purchased it from a used bookstore solely on the reason that it has an inscription on the inside flap that says, "To Bea J. Belknap from Jesse G. Pambrum, Christmas 1917". There's a romance there people, that I wanted to fantasize about. Did Bea and Jesse get married? Did Jesse go off to fight in WWI and die suffocating from mustard gas in the trenches like so many others? Did Bea and Jesse both succumb to influenza on the same day, hundreds of miles apart? Did they hold hands, and troth their love to one another under a canopy of stars on a cold still winter night?

So, I though, how bad could the poetry be? I mean, sure, I've never heard of Benjamin F. Brown, but, if he spoke to Jesse Pambrum's poetic soul, perhaps he would speak to Ellie and Katie's as well.

So I read them the poems.

Including this one:

Mary's Lamb Croquette

Listen while I tell the story,

Tell the sad and mournful story

Of the auto swiftly speeding, 

Every obstacle unheeding,

Chauffeur, wild in his endeavor,

Records of high speed to sever, 

Gave his horn an endless tooting,

By all other autos shooting,

Did not see some sheep come flocking,

And the outcome it was shocking. 

Mary from a distance spying,

Saw her lamb go upward flying,

Torn, dis-

dismembered, badly....

mangled....

(Note: Look people, here, I paused, looked at the faces of my beautiful innocent children, and, like the idiot I am, read on.)

Soon from the trolley wire it...

it dangled,

Bleating with a bleat...

incessant

Till in 

death 

it-

(Note, again: Here is where my children broke into tears. Tears, flowing from their shining eyes, gulps of grief emanating from their little chests, as they, no lie, curled themselves into a fetal position. That's when I stopped reading. Because I'm a compassionate mother.)

Now, there is more to this poem, that my children did not hear. You, dear reader, are not a child. You have seen things. You have seen life at it's best, and, let's be real here, if you laughed at even 50% of Ali Wong's Netflix special, "Hard Knock Wife" you've seen. Some. Things. Things that shouldn't be shared with your children until they are much older*.  But, for you, my audience who are able to buy tickets to R rated movies without permission from their parent, I will finish Benjamin F. Brown's poem. And then we will wreak our vengeance on him together!

Mary from a distance spying, 

Saw her lamb go upward flying,

Torn, dismembered, badly mangled,

Soon from trolley wire it dangled,

Bleating with a bleat incessant

Till in death it was quiescent.

Mary's heart was filled with sorrow,

Nevermore, today, tomorrow

Would it follow her to school,

Would it break the teacher's rule.

On this question Mary pondered,

In her inmost soul she pondered,

Should she give up auto riding?

This the answer then deciding, 

Nevermore should auto take her,

Chalmers, Ford or Studebaker,

Or in any kind whatever

Would she ride again, no, never;

For an auto killed her pet,

Made of it a lamb croquette.

OK, you see why we must vengeance all up on Benjamin's...rear...butt....(insert your own PG-13 word here). This can't stand. Who combines words like tooting and Studebaker with dismembered nursery rhyme lambs-AND MAKES MY CHILDREN CRY! No one who gets away with it, that's who!

Guys? I found Benjamin's house:

9 Kepler St. Providence, RI 02908

I'll meet you there with pitchforks and PG-13 stickers at dusk.



Note To Litigators, the FBI, CIA, NSA, TSA and All Other Law Enforcement Personnel:
I'm aware that Benjamin F. Brown is dead. I'm also aware that attacking people with pitchforks and papering their houses where they lived over 100 years ago with motion picture film rating stickers is completely out of line and I have no intention of doing so. Ever.

Well....

Unless....

Benjamin F. Brown comes back as a zombie.

Then all bets are off.




*Ali Wong Parental Warning: Or, if you're me, you may never share. Because Ali drops a lot of inappropriate words in her TV-MA special that my prudish soul wouldn't allow me to hear until I was, like, 40 years old. True story.