How I Murdered My Husband

At first, I thought I should add the word "circumstantially " to the post title, but then I thought, "Nah! That'd take all the fun out of it!" I mean, the Google analytics alone are sheer gold! (note: I don't actually know how Google analytics work.) Also, I should probably state up front that I did not murder Jon. I should also probably state that I have no intention of murdering Jon. Even accidentally. Unless you can kill a person with a crock pot full of vegetarian haggis*. Which, could explain why he's been eating dinner on the ferry ride home lately....

The Incriminating Evidence:

Jon has a really long commute to work.  Once you factor in walking time and ferry time, he's commuting about 3 hours a day. Every day.  Plus, he really really likes his work. Which means, sometimes, he forgets that he needs to show up on time for the ferry.  Now, step back, Willis, I'm not complaining here. I knew he had this focus issue when we got married and it didn't bother me. Back then I was all, "Sweet! More running time!" But then we had kids. And, yeah. Not so much the extra running time anymore. Because, while five year olds think they want to run six miles with you in the rain, in reality they only want to run 1/3 of a mile and stop for a donut at the bakery down the hill. So, in a futile effort to slow my widening waist line, I stay at home more. Where there is a phone. That I answer. And have awkward conversations on.

Awkward Conversation That Gives The Impression I Murdered My Husband #1:

Me: (picking up ringing phone) Hello!
Phone Guy: Hello! May I speak to Jon, please?
Me: I'm sorry, he's busy right now, may I take a message?
Phone Guy: Oh, maybe you could help me! I'm from his alma mater and was hoping he'd-
Me: (Interrupting. Politely. Probably.) I'm sorry, I never went to your university. I can't help you.
Phone Guy: Oh. Um, well, when would be a good time to reach Jon then?
Me: (A little maniacally, because, seriously!?! And obviously.) Hahahahahaha! (Then Ellie yelled "I NEED TO GO TOILET!" So I hung up.)

Awkward Conversation, One Week Later, That Gives The Impression I Murdered My Husband #2:

Me: (picking up ringing phone) Hello!
Phone Guy: Hello! May I speak to Jon, please?
Me: I'm sorry, he's busy right now. May I take a message?
Phone Guy: Oh! Maybe you could help me! I'm from his alma mater and was hoping he'd-
Me: (sighing) I told you guys. I never went to your university. I can't help you.
Phone Guy: (politely) Ok. I'll make a note of that for our records. Would there be a better time to reach him?
Me: Uh. Well.... Good luck with that.... You could try between 7 and 8pm our time. But not before and not afterwards. And only on days that start with M and F. (pause) Seriously.
Phone Guy: (naively) Oh! That's today! Thank you! I'll call back!

Awkward Conversation, Five And A HALF Hours Later, That Gives The Impression I Murdered My Husband #3:

Me: (picking up ringing phone, while trying to give a flailing Ellie a bath. Because the bathtub is a pool. And she's at swim lessons. There is a lot of kicking. And bubble blowing. And choking. ) HELLO?
Phone Guy: Hello! May I speak to-
Me: (Yelling. Because the acoustics in natatoriums is really bad.) IT'S NOT EVEN 7 YET! (Then I hung up.)

Awkward Conversation, Forty-Five Minutes Later, That Gives The Impression I Murdered My Husband #4:

Me: (picking up ringing phone) Hello!
Phone Guy: Hello! May I speak to Jon? I'm from his alma mater and-
Me: Yeah. About that.... Um, you know, earlier? I didn't mean-Ok. Listen. He's not here. And...I'm sorry, but he's not going to be. It happens like that sometimes.
Phone Guy: So, would Friday be a better day?
Me: Well, see, about that, this Friday's not good.  And, truely, next week won't work either.... Maybe you should just send him a letter or something?
Phone Guy: Oh. Well, I suppo-
Me: (laughing) Ha! Ha! It probably totally sounds like I murdered him and I'm trying to buy time to stash the body! (realizing what I just said) But I didn't do that. Really. I didn't.
Phone Guy: (nervously) I'll just- (click)

Awkward Conversation, Three Days Later, That Gives The Impression I Murdered My Husband #5:

Me: (picking up ringing phone) Hello!
Phone Lady: Hello! May I speak to Jon?
Me: I'm sorry, he's busy right now. May I take a message?
Phone Lady: I'm calling about the next service on your car. Would there be a better time?
Me: Hahaha! You'll never find him!
Phone Lady: (silence....click)


Dudes. Let's hope Phone Guy and Phone Lady never meet. Because the circumstantial evidence alone....





*Because, sometimes, some things seem like a really good idea when you read about them. Or hear about them. You know, circumstantially.

Wait.

Crud.

Listen, I DID NOT MURDER JON! I have evidence! Look! This is a photo of him playing with the kids at a playground:

Deep, deep in the woods by our house...

Over a month ago....

(note to self:  start taking more pictures of Jon, ESTABLISH AN ALIBI!!)

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