Wednesday, November 10, 2010

My Kids Are Smarter Than Yours*

I've been reading other blogs lately. Many of them are "Mommy Blogs" and I noticed something. Most of them dedicate at least one post a month to gushing about the wonderfulness of their children and how much they love them. Then I looked at some of my previous posts and realized, dude, I don't do that. In fact, I'm way more likely to make inappropriate cannibal jokes about eating my own children. Which Jon informed me are not funny and that I "might want to think before I type". First I was all, "Whatever..." But, it is cannibalism, so maybe I should clear this up:

People! There is one thing I DO NOT want to do. I do not want to fry my children in the worlds largest skillet and eat them while drinking copious amounts of coffee. Whew. Dodged a CPS bullet there! Wait. Are CPS jokes appropriate? Dang....This is harder than it looks!

Anyway, I decided, if those other mommy's could do it, I could too. I was sure I could write a post that shot rainbows, unicorns, red balloons on a long black string, flowers, kittens, pink elephants and the like right out of my computer. Easy peasy. But guess what? I can't. No. Really. Seriously. It was baaaad. Oookkaaayyy. Fine. Read it for yourself, but don't say I didn't warn you!

Like the colors of the rainbow, so are the children in my life. If a rainbow only came in two colors, that is. OK. That didn't make any sense. But whatever,this post isn't about science, it's about love. Motherly love. It's what brings us together today. The joy their laughter brings into my life sounds like the Dora theme song-sweet and adventurous and a little multicultural. Except no one speaks Spanish or, heck, even Hindu in our house. Although Katie is learning sign language at preschool so it's basically the same thing.

Ellie's baby talk reminds me of the shore birds that wing over the watery horizon on a Spring day and her poopy diapers smell sweeter than the dead crabs they leave on my deck.

And that's how far I got, because Ellie is highly susceptible to the power of suggestion and I was thinking out loud during that last sentence. But then Jon came home and told me all about this study that someone did where they concluded that if your child is not very physically talented in their early years it coincides with a higher IQ later on. So, basically, the smarter your child the more walls they ran into as a toddler.

Guess what? Katie totally ran into five walls today! And Ellie? She ran into two**!

Now THAT'S the kind of bragging I can really get into!

*But not YOURS, obviously. I mean theirs. (points finger in opposite direction)

** Ellie can't walk yet, so I had to help her out a little. But it will totally pay off later! Can you imagine how intelligent Katie would be now if I had started running her into walls when she was five months?! Ellie is going to be a GENIUS!


  1. I TOTALLY thought you were frying your kids in oil. :) That's what we do with them, isn't it? I like the less flowery language, personally. Its much more original. :) And my kids run into their toys on the floor all the time, does that mean that they'll be brilliant too? (or just messy???)

  2. Breezey- I thought I had already responded, sorry!
    I had some witty comment about how we shouldn't fry our kids but bake them instead because that would be less points. Which would be a totally useful suggestion if people were doing Weight Watchers. And had small children. And then I had some idea about tyeing messy desks/messy rooms to brilliant minds. But I don't remember what that was. I may have dreamed it. I'm extremely witty when I sleep.