Wednesday, December 22, 2010

You Know That Feeling You Get Shopping On Christmas Eve When You Realize Everyone On Your List Would LOVE Toothpaste This Year? Yeah. Me Too.

You know it's Christmas when:

1. You see SANTA FROG!!
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, alofting* across the Pacific ocean by the aerodynamicness of his vaguely Pope-ish hat-just like The Flying Nun!

2. As you wait in line to see Santa at the neighborhood tree lighting you realize that, yes, yes, the man in front of you IS dressed like a woman golfer playing the circuit in August, and no, no, you do not have enough gumption to take a picture with your cell phone. Besides, Santa's watching and I'm pretty sure excessively embarrassing someone who obviously lost a bet gets you kicked off his good list faster than regifting last years slippers.

3. You reduce your three year old to tears as you grill her about what Daddy got Mommy for Christmas. In my defense, this will totally come in handy when Katie is taken hostage by evil spies from The Ring when she's president. They'll be all, "Tell us where the Intersect is!" while brandishing cyber knives or whatever, and she'd be all, "Is that all you got? Dude! My Mom is totally better at this than you losers are. Ice skating elephant! Ice skating elephant!" Although, we'll send her to Harvard or some other smart kid school and she'd actually be all, "I don't believe I'll tell you. Where did you aloft from, you cretins! The Intersect will always be safe as long as I am President! Ice skating elephant! Ice skating elephant!"

4. I am, once again, unable to take a decent Christmas card photo.
I don't know what's going on here. Well, that is, unless I'm about to vomit on Katie's shoes, after ripping her nasty mint candy cane from her hands and tossing Ellie at the broom stick brandishing snowman behind us in order to distract him as we make our get away with the chocolate peanut butter trees. Dude, I'm telling you, Christmas can be brutal.

5. We attend our local Festival of Trees to gather ideas for decorating our very first family Christmas tree.

Me-Recycled and Environmentally Friendly (minus the nasty flocking)

Katie-Ruffles Ruffles RUFFLES!!! With a Groovy Disco Ball On Top

Jon-Rubik Cubes and an Indecipherable Math Joke

(Insert Polar Bear In a Snow Storm Joke Here)

Ellie-Since she was more interested in, um, lunch they didn't have any trees that caught her eye. It WAS a family event, you know!

In the end we compromised on a traditional tree with a very cool** spoon tree topper.

Oh, and by the way, that's my ice skating elephant under the tree. Isn't it awesome?!!

*Alofting is TO a word, geeze! It means to carry one forth across an expanse of sea or land delivering presents to all the good little smolt and tadpoles of the world. Obviously.

**Yes. You can be jealous.


  1. So what was the indecipherable math joke? Mike got a math calendar for Christmas where the math problems equal the cool is that??? :)

  2. It's something about log cabins or something. I don't remember. What I do remember is when I asked Jon about it he sighed and sounded like I had asked him to tell the chicken crossing the road joke. He started to explain it to me but once he said natural log my eyes kinda glassed over and I was in my "Jon's talking about computers/math/video games happy place" again. It's pretty there and they make great coffee!

    And that calendar is aparently "really cool" according to Jon. He may have gone on but I was too busy pretending to sip my plain latte while reading a huge book in my happy place.