Six Things I Am Not Doing* Or TURKEY! Is The New Awesome

1. I am not standing in the kitchen waiting for my second pot of coffee to brew eating heart shaped cereal while watching Katie roll Ellie up in the living room carpet.

2. I am not watching this show:

But I am calling this guy Starburns:

because, come on, they're like twins!

Twins I tell you!

3. I am not wearing Jon's pants (and constantly hitching them up, thank goodness) because Ellie flung her homemade banana-apple-wheat germ-tofu breakfast all over my last clean pair of jeans. (Hey. Don't give me that look. It was the best banana-apple-wheat germ-tofu baby food I've ever made. Ever. And, how many times do I have to tell you, I CAN SEE YOU THROUGH THE COMPUTER, because, apparently it's not just uber-cool new computers that come equipped with a spy cam/Skype. Yeah. Thanks Jetsons. You've totally ruined computer privacy for everyone.)

5. I am not looking for the perfect place in our house to hang this poster:

Now, whenever I hear someone say "That's awesome!" I'm totally picturing my TURKEY! poster in my head.

6. I am not currently listening to the musical stylings of Frankie Yankovic "America's Polka King" because I heard Katie humming along to "Flightless Bird" by Iron & Wine on my Twilight Pandora Station and thought, "Hmmmm... Maybe I should expand her musical exposure." We'll be rockin' some bagpipe music tomorrow!

*'Not' is the new 'am'.
**See what I did there? I made 'not' into an accessory for 'am'! You know, like a pair of totally TURKEY! watermelon socks.

I'll Fight Like A Crazed Penguin 'Til The End

Jon: (in his "Peppy Disney Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah Inspired Voice," which means he's either going to some weird zombie killing video game party or he's going to talk about computers) You need a new laptop, Martha.

Me: (in my "Awww.... Crapazoidal! Jon's Talking About Computers and NOT Killing Zombies Voice," which truthfully is just leeetle whiny) NnnooOOoooOOoooo!

The top 10 reasons I should never be taken computer shopping at Best Buy

1. We will have this conversation:

Jon: SWEET! 64 B flash memory storage, NVIDIA GeFOrce 320M graphics processor, Bluetooth 2.1, built in Face Time for video chatting-

Me: Wait! WHAT? Like Skype? No. I don't want weirdos watching me while I'm searching for dancing penguin videos on You Tube, thank you very much.

Jon: You know it doesn't really work like th-

Me: Dude. I've seen The Jetsons. Yeah it does.

2. I will search for and play this dancing penguin video on every computer I look at.

3. We will have this conversation:

Jon: What are you doing?

Me: (looking at my iPhone) Downloading that cool penguin video. Because it's AWESOME!

Jon: But why are you shaking your phone?

Me: Duh. (rolling my eyes) It makes the phone go faster. I do it all the time.

4. Katie, Ellie and I will dance like penguins while watching each penguin video. Every time. There is no limit on awesome.

5. We will have this conversation:

Jon: SWEET! 2.3 pounds, multi touch track pad, mini Display Port output port with support for- Are you seriously checking your email?

Me: (slowly lowering my phone back into my pocket) No. No, nope. No. Not at all. What ports does the computer call at? Because if it can get me to Greece, I'd totally pick that one!

6. I will ask every employee if "fins come standard or will I have to pay to have them retrofitted?"

Because, admit it, that would be "like, crazy man"!

7. We will have this conversation:

Jon: What do you think about this laptop?

Me: No. It insulted me.

Jon: The computer insulted you? Uh, how?

Me: I was trying to type up some stuff on my blog, you know, to see how the format looked, and this STUPID computer said I typed this:

It aparntly works i html it 's like ir thinks im stupid or somwthing. Wgats up with the no soellcheck junk? i think its doing thid on purpose! thwre is no way im hitting tgat nany virtual typewriter buttons wrong!

Jon: "...."

Me: I don't take that kind of cheek from any computer!

8. I will freak out the 13 year old boy next to me by trying to see exactly how many of those tiny laptops I can fit in my diaper bag. (Answer: 3)

9. I will play that penguin video, "Just ONE more time!"

10. We will have this conversation:

Jon: You don't really want a new computer, do you?

Me: (smiling, as Katie and I penguin dance all the way to the car)

I Blame Captain Underpants

Katie: (sitting in the car with her mouth hanging open) I like to taste the cold air with my mouth.

Me: (shifting 'discretely' in my seat) Ummm.... Well.... What can I say? It's the oatmeal!

Excuse me.

I'm Looking At You With My Chemical Dependency Eyes. They're Like Puppy Eyes, Only Sadder. And Maybe Just A Wee Bit Scary.

I don't mean to alarm anyone unnecessarily, but-HECK NO! IT'S NECESSARY!

THERE IS NO MORE COFFEE IN THE HOUSE! NONE! NADA! ZILCH! OUGHT!

Seriously, ought. I ground the last 25 beans this morning and drank the weakly caffeinated water.

I couldn't get to the store, I couldn't get to the coffee shop-WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO? Maybe I could get through the rest of the day, maybe. I could be strong. I could hydrate well with water. But after that?? The next morning??? I quickly moved into crisis mode, ransacking the pantry for a forgotten bag, a leftover Vivran from college, a package of VIA*-ANYTHING! I was a jittery pre-caffeine withdrawal mess of a woman, and I looked it too:

Then, I got smart and sent this email to a friend:

Maribel**,

Oh my goodness, Maribel! I just realized! Your house burned down! You're, uh, you're probably all stressed out and stuff and, um, you know, could use some help or something, right? What if I did your laundry for you? I'd get whites white and darks dark and colors colored and all that-Ooo! I'll use soap! I mean, laundry soap, not bar soap because that would be crazy-and I'm not crazy. Nope. Could you drop your laundry off tomorrow at 9am? No later. Really. Don't be later. It'll mess up the caffeine-I mean spin cycles if I don't calibrate them to the rotation of the radius of the earth, and since we're in the winter season and all, it can't be after 9am. AM. You could come earlier. I'll be here. I'm always here. Ha ha. Oh, and would you bring me coffee? I used the last of mine this morning and, well, I don't need it or anything, but, you know, it's a nice start to the day-best part of waking up and all that.

Oh, and you have a new car, don't you? Because your old one blew up in the fire, right? Well, Jon can make it fly. No, really! It's true! It's some fancy smancy Linux OS they have now for the new models. (What kind of car did you get again?) But, he says he'll need more coffee. It has to do with the GZ file extension for a gunziped file when they're all compressed, the caffeine helps work that out or something, like a laxative I think. Anywhooooo! So, I'll see you tomorrow, right? 9am? With coff-I mean your laundry!

Love,

Martha

This is what Maribel wrote back:

Martha,

If you can get Jon to program my car to teleport me places, I'll give you all the coffee you'd ever want for the rest of your life and longer.

Maribel

PS See you at 9am!

I'm pretty sure Jon can do that.

*Yes. It was that bad.

**Maribel may not look like this,

but she could, because she's that awesome!