I'm Looking At You With My Chemical Dependency Eyes. They're Like Puppy Eyes, Only Sadder. And Maybe Just A Wee Bit Scary.

I don't mean to alarm anyone unnecessarily, but-HECK NO! IT'S NECESSARY!

THERE IS NO MORE COFFEE IN THE HOUSE! NONE! NADA! ZILCH! OUGHT!

Seriously, ought. I ground the last 25 beans this morning and drank the weakly caffeinated water.

I couldn't get to the store, I couldn't get to the coffee shop-WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO? Maybe I could get through the rest of the day, maybe. I could be strong. I could hydrate well with water. But after that?? The next morning??? I quickly moved into crisis mode, ransacking the pantry for a forgotten bag, a leftover Vivran from college, a package of VIA*-ANYTHING! I was a jittery pre-caffeine withdrawal mess of a woman, and I looked it too:

Then, I got smart and sent this email to a friend:

Maribel**,

Oh my goodness, Maribel! I just realized! Your house burned down! You're, uh, you're probably all stressed out and stuff and, um, you know, could use some help or something, right? What if I did your laundry for you? I'd get whites white and darks dark and colors colored and all that-Ooo! I'll use soap! I mean, laundry soap, not bar soap because that would be crazy-and I'm not crazy. Nope. Could you drop your laundry off tomorrow at 9am? No later. Really. Don't be later. It'll mess up the caffeine-I mean spin cycles if I don't calibrate them to the rotation of the radius of the earth, and since we're in the winter season and all, it can't be after 9am. AM. You could come earlier. I'll be here. I'm always here. Ha ha. Oh, and would you bring me coffee? I used the last of mine this morning and, well, I don't need it or anything, but, you know, it's a nice start to the day-best part of waking up and all that.

Oh, and you have a new car, don't you? Because your old one blew up in the fire, right? Well, Jon can make it fly. No, really! It's true! It's some fancy smancy Linux OS they have now for the new models. (What kind of car did you get again?) But, he says he'll need more coffee. It has to do with the GZ file extension for a gunziped file when they're all compressed, the caffeine helps work that out or something, like a laxative I think. Anywhooooo! So, I'll see you tomorrow, right? 9am? With coff-I mean your laundry!

Love,

Martha

This is what Maribel wrote back:

Martha,

If you can get Jon to program my car to teleport me places, I'll give you all the coffee you'd ever want for the rest of your life and longer.

Maribel

PS See you at 9am!

I'm pretty sure Jon can do that.

*Yes. It was that bad.

**Maribel may not look like this,

but she could, because she's that awesome!

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