Tuesday, December 13, 2011

More Awkward Conversations With Martha

Proof, once again, that I should only have conversations with other people inside my own head.

Conversation #1:
Yesterday, I braved the cold, the rain, the crowds, the aisles of meat based samples that is Costco in order to pick up our Christmas cards, and, of course had to have this conversation in the restroom:

Tall Lady: (watching me help Ellie wash her hands) She's cute! How old?
Me: (thinking, "that the Tall Lady looks vaguely familiar") She's eighteen months now.
Tall Lady: Awww... She's-
Me: (rudely interrupting, because I spend my days with very small children and that's how they roll) Hey! Olympic High, right? You drive that brown van. You bring your kids there on Mondays and Wednesdays for swim lessons at 6:15. A boy and a girl, right?
Tall Lady: Wooooowwww.... (glances nervously around the restroom) Um. You're, um, very (begins to edge toward the exit) wow, you're (gulp) good.... (chucks paper towel at the trash can, misses and flees as if her life depends on it.)

Conversation #2:
On Tuesday, I called and left this message at Rejuv Spa:

"Hi. Um, my name is Martha and, I'm really not sure if this was legitimate or not, but, um, my husband, his name is Jon, found an iPhone outside your business the other day, and he brought it in and it was some one's that was there. And, anyway, someone else told him that he could have a free massage, but he doesn't want it, in fact he'd rather have the iPhone, not that he wants the iPhone back, that'd be weird and probably illegal, um, anyway, soooo, he said I could have it, the free massage, not the iPhone, that's yours, or someone else's or something. Anyway, like I said before I don't even know if this is for real but if it is, you can call me back at 555-5555. If I just sound insane, and you know, that wasn't a real offer of a free massage, you can just, um, not call me back. Thanks!" (click)

My massage is scheduled for Saturday. Because Rejuv is awesome. Or because business is really slow and they're bored and nothing perks up a slow weekend like giving that "weirdly awkward lady on the answering machine"* a free massage.

*Um, I don't actually know if this is my new nickname from the employees at Rejuv, but, let's face it, it totally could be!

Conversation #3:
I went to a Christmas brunch last weekend. There was Egg Thing. There was French Toast Thing. There was the Sufjan Stevens Christmas album playing in the background. There was coffee. A lot of coffee. And with all this you'd think it would have been more than enough to keep me busy for hours. Oh, nooooooo. And, unfortunately, I was fully aware that an hour long soliloquy with my coffee cup would have just looked weird so instead...

Me: Hi! My name is Martha. (sitting down at a table and sipping my coffee at the same time) Good coffee. And you are?
Stranger: Um, hi. I'm Thelma. (smiles nicely) Yeah it is.
Me: Oh! You're Marshall's wife! You guys just moved back from Illinois. You were there for, what, two years?
Thelma: Um, yeah. Something like that....
Me: (shoveling Egg Thing and French Toast Thing into my mouth at top speed because I just know one of my kids is going to demand my attention soon and, gosh darn it, I am hungry) So, did you guys move back to that cute little blue house with the hydrangea bushes that Marshall bought before you were married? Or are you somewhere else now?
Thelma: (nervously) Um...no...we're off of Mountain Crest now....
Me: (gulping coffee, shoveling food and whipping my head around like I'm watching a supersonic tennis match while searching for those Mommy attention seeking children of mine) Nice. (more coffee gulping) Hey.... (my brain finally starts catching up to my coffee consumption) You know I'm Jon's wife, right? He and Marshall used to work together. Because I just realized that I could have sounded like a total stalker just then, knowing where you've lived and when you'd moved and all that. Totally not a stalker here! (nervous giggle) That'd be weird. Jon, over there (points to Jon across the room) he's my husband. He knows Marshall. So, you know, that makes me not a freaky scary stalker....
Thelma: (nervous eye flicker)
Me: You know, I probably should have just stuck with talking with my coffee cup. I mean, that's what I normally do at these kind of part- Yeeeeaaaahhhh. Um. I think I'm just gonna stop talking now.


  1. Rock on. Awkward convos make the best stories.

  2. Skerrib- Then, man, I got myself buckets of them!

  3. There is something in coffee that makes awkward conversations possible. I think it's the fact that it hypes me up and makes me feel like I always have to talk (more than usual) and the filter that is usually there between my brain and mouth goes away....

    On a totally unrelated note, I miss your answering machine messages!!! They are the best!

  4. Breezey- You don't really mean "unrelated" do you?

    Also, if coffee is the gateway drug to awkwardness, the world is in big, big, big trouble.

  5. Aw, you're my conversation double. How cute is that!
    (I am now impervious to odd looks and raised brows.)

  6. Gene Pool Diva- Cuter than a mouse drinking coffee out of a flower shaped mug!

  7. oh my gosh.. you are so funny! your way with words is very cool. i like! thanks for commenting on my post (when i am talking to myself in the early am)...... even your comment is wisely written... :D

  8. Danneromero- Thank you! You're very nice! I really liked how you paired coffee and your early morning text dates.

  9. Haha HAAA! I heart weirdly awkward ladies. Glad you post your weirdness here for us to enjoy. ;)

  10. Dawn- My family has stopped truly appreciating my weird awkwardness, so, really, I have nowhere else to post it!

  11. I think Breezy may have something about the coffee effect. However, only one of your 3 conversations involves coffee so, scientifically speaking, there must be more than one variable which results in awkward conversations. Maybe it is just random weirdness :-), you know quantum weirdness. Another great blog post, Martha! Keep on writing those 1,666 words.

  12. This is hilarious. I am also fluent in awkwardese, having gotten to the point at which I can just shut down a conversation with a one-word response to any reasonable question or comment.

  13. Karen- You lost me at "scientifically speaking". :)

  14. Andrea- Thanks! I'm thinking, someday, we should get all the awkward conversation people in one room, now that would be an AWESOME party. Or, just awkward....

  15. Wow...there is nothing scientific about me. I was just commenting on my own personal TMI conversations that are the result of too much coffee. :)