Now, in his defense, he thought he was being funny. But what he failed to remember is that at eight months pregnant I found nothing funny.
In hind sight, I probably should have sat on his chest or something when I opened his present, considering it was the first time since high school that I outweighed him. You know, now that I think about it, I probably should have sat on his chest more in high school too, put my extra three pounds to good use. I would have been all, "Where's your well thought out logic now, Mr. Smarty Pants? Huh!?! Got any more of those fancy statistics to prove my take on the economic security of Belgium is skewed? Huh!?! Do ya!?! Yeah. (gratuitous flick to the ear) Didn't think so." Then again, he had sisters so they probably totally did that for me. Because when it comes to Belgium, we need to represent! (Mostly because they have good waffles. I think. I've never actually been to Belgium, but when I do, I'm totally ordering waffles like every day. Man.... I really hope their waffles live up to all this hype in my head.)
Scrumptolicious waffles aside, I'm not really going to be complaining about my husband in this post, I'm simply documenting a few... facts. However, to be fair, if you are one of those people who think he's "the bees knees"* then I have one word for you: quantum.
Dude! Can I clear a room or what!?!
Do you remember a few months ago, when Jon dragged me to Best Buy to look at new laptops, which forced me to find an awesome penguin video, download it onto every machine in the store, invent a penguin dance with Katie and Ellie, freak out pre-teen boys by seeing how many laptops fit in my diaper bag (3), and ask every employee inane questions like "Do fins come standard or will I have to pay extra to have them retro-fitted"? Those were the good times. Goooood times.
Because, dudes, Jon bought me a new laptop.
Apparently, the internet has these buttons you can push that say stupid things like "BUY NOW". Stupid buttons....
Now, if you're first question is something like, "Sweet! What kind of battery life does it have?" I have one word for you: quantum.
That's right! You heard me. Quuuaaantuuum. Just move yourself over to the corner and stand with all those buzzing knee people and discuss trochanters and coaxes or whatever. But not waffles. Waffles are mine. (insert deadly serious stare here)
I mean, sure, Jon had been throwing around words like "dieing", "on its last legs", "it's harder to recover information files from a dead computer than a working one" and other stuff. But he was talking about computers, people! Why in the world would I listen to that? (*cough*boring*cough*)
So, now I find myself typing away on some weirdly clean black keyboard, trying to figure out why this new computer is so gosh darn cool, because obviously it's not going to sell me itself by just listing out its geek statistics. Seriously, what the heck does "atom-based 12-incher with only 16 GB of onboard storage" mean anyway? And, if you know the answer to that: quantum. And just go stand over there. (waves vaguely at the huge rager going on in the corner)
Maybe it's made me wittier!
Maybe it just plain make me smar-Oooooo! Look! Penguin videos!!!
I know! I bet the computer made me look prettier!
Or just point out what an ugly green sweater I'm wearing. Dude. That's harsh, new laptop. Real harsh.
You know what? I totally figured it out. My laptop is cool because it makes waffles. Tasty, melt in your mouth fluffy Belgium waffles. On Saturday morning. While I'm out for a run. And then it does the dishes.
Hey! Helllloooo over there! Don't make me pull out that Richard Simmons DVD and send Katie over to ask you to dance with her! I'd join you all, but, apparently, I have a new computer to figure out.
*Give yourself 10 extra credit points if you've heard Jon use this entomologically confusing colloquialism in everyday conversation. And while you're at it, give yourself an additional 20 extra credit points if, like me, you just googled "Do bees have knees?" Woo hoo! Thirty points! (high five! Let's party dance! Hey! Why am I the only one dancing?)