Saturday, December 24, 2011

Where I Ruin Christmas For EVERYONE!

I know what you're thinking, "Martha, you already ruined Christmas for everyone.  Remember?  When you took a newly potty trained Ellie Christmas shopping at Target while she had diarrhea last week."  Noooo, I'm not talking about ruining the Holiday shopping mood of  each and every person in Target by racing through the store, cutting people off all while shouting things like: 'Mommy's getting you to the toilet as fast as she can so you can keep your pants dry! Hold it!' or 'We don't put tut-tut-tut in the shopping cart. NoooOOOooo! That's crazy talk! We put it in the toilet!', six times in an hour and a half. No, I'm talking about a more traditional ruining of Christmas.  One that only those you live with 24/7 can appreciate.....

You see, I have a gift.  Well, really, maybe it's more of a skill.....  Yeah! That's it!  A way cool awesome present identifying skill.  Growing up I would look at my presents under the Christmas tree, shake one a little, heft another, and BAM! I knew exactly what I was getting for Christmas-kickball, Malibu Barbie, a new pair of pants, whatever. It was awesome! Plus, it annoyed my sister, so- SCORE!

OK, look people.  I can hear your scoffing snorts from all the way over here. But it's true!  Even Jon believes in my santacular skills now. However, once, just like you, he used his olfactory nerves for more than smelling the annual Christmas grapefruit*....

(cue cool flashback music here-which sounds oddly like Wil Smith's "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It")

One year, before we were married, Jon found out about my amazingly astounding Christmas skill and tried to trick me.  I took one look at his large rectangular Christmas present, rotated it 180 degrees, looked him in the eyes and said, "It's books, a large jingle bell, a pair of socks aaannnddd (the package did another 180) three pens." Even with his jaw on  the floor (from gift identification envy, obviously) he continued to doubt. "What books?" he said. And with four little words, the man never doubted me again. "The Chronicles of Narnia."

So, here it is, Christmas Eve, the presents are wrapped, the children are tucked snugly in their beds, Jon is in the kitchen whipping cream for some secret pie eating, and I have exactly three minutes of unsupervised present snooping guessing skilling**. Awwwww Yeeeaaahhhh!

Present #1, from Ellie:

A picture frame. Possibly of a duck.  Because, even Ellie knows, ducks are cool.  Because they look just like penguins with floaty toys, obviously.

Present #2, from Katie:

A wooden bookmark and a marble. Or a weird juice squeezer/zester thing.

Present #3, from Jon:

Pish! As if a bow the size of a chihuahua could throw me off.  It's a ring that says POW! or a necklace with an elephant on it.

BAM! (I totally just did it again this year!)
Merry Christmas!***

*No, really!  It's totally a thing in Arizona.  Maybe.  Probably.  Or possibly just for my family....

**Can you believe I just made up this word? I know! It ROCKS!

***Disclaimer:  I reserve the right to be wrong. I also reserve the right to then deny it later, even if you pull up this lame blog post.  Because, as everyone knows, you can't believe everything you read on the internet.


  1. I'm thinking of a color between one and green. What is it?

  2. Laughing (as usual) with this blog post :-) I can tell that I'll be surveying the family to verify your package psychic abilities are up to snuff. Merry Christmas!

  3. Karen-Just so you know, sometimes they lie. It's unfortunate, but what are you gonna do...

  4. you made me laugh.. thanks! happy holidays, martha..

  5. Well? Well? Wre you right? Youre not going to tell us, are you? crap.

  6. This made me laugh. Hope you got the ring.

  7. Danneromero-Happy Holidays right back at ya'!

  8. Dawn-Like all the swirly sparkly Christmas signs say, "Believe." Or some other catchy phrase that will make you believe in my Christmas present skilling-which totally exists.

  9. Andrea-Sometimes I underestimate my husband.... But gosh darn it I WAS really close!

  10. Thanks for the comment...and what in the world is a cupcake eraser? Wish I had a donut eraser.

  11. Recovering Church Lady-I can see where you're coming from, aAWESOME! But, unfortunately, mine's just a tiny eraser shaped like a cupcake.....