Thursday, February 2, 2012

I'm Also Pretty Sure Cher Was In The Lord Of The Rings, She Played That Evil Wizard With The Crystal Ball

After reading my last post, I'm sure at least .0213% of you wondered, "Is Martha less idiotic* when she's exposed to sunlight? You know, because direct sun makes vampires prettier and stuff, maybe it does the same for her, but instead of making her prettier it just makes her less daft** and that's why she only posted twice in January. Man, I'm sure glad she lives in the Northwest, where all that rain and a dense marine layer keeps her entertainingly potty***!"

Firstly, .0231% of my readership, I think your grasp of weather terms is a wee bit shaky (yes, I said that in my best English accent). Seconderdly, .0231% of my readership, thank you for your generosity and faith that sunlight does something for me other than make me stop on my morning runs and stare, slack jawed, at grapefruit GROWING RIGHT IN SOME ONE'S FRONT YARD!! Thirdest, .0231% of my readership, you'd be wrong, so very, very wrong, because, I had this conversation around the dinner table with my family in-law:

Everyone At The Table: Yadda, Talk, Breen, Blibbity, Talk, Technobabble, Pickles....
Me: (daydreaming, silently, in my own head, because I'm not really listening) If I ever ran a bowling alley, I'd wear a name tag that said "Big Turkey". Dude. I'd be soooo cool!
Everyone: Talk, Dilithium, Tricorder, Tribble, KHHHAAAN!-
Me: (jolted into the conversation) I've never seen Star Wars.
Everyone:  (silence, blank stares, and Jon actually scooted his chair two inches to the left, further away from me.)
Me: Well.... I mean, I saw the one with the clouds. 
Ginger: Clouds?
Me: Yeah.  They go to that city with the guy from Rocky and you know, walked around and stuff....
Everyone: (blank stares. silence. awkward.)
Jon: (in his almost completely mortified voice) She means "The Empire Strikes Back".
Everyone: (in their nice voices, because they're nice people) Ooohhh! Star Wars! You mean Cloud City!
Fred: Did you see it pre-1997? Because they changed the original film and the changes detract from the character arc of the films and tend to be more distracting than expedient.
Me: (with my mind spinning from the use of big words) Ummmm.... It had the Michelin Men in it? And they were chasing that cute robot around the city and he really needed to be quiet, but he wasn't? His friend was shiny too.
Everyone: (blank stares. silence. basically the same look I've been getting.)
Me: (attempting to deflect the next question, which obviously will be about Mystery Science Theater, and since I haven't seen that either, blurting out the first thing that comes to my head) Have you heard of Man Massages? They're supposedly bacon scented!

In retrospect, this might be why we only visit family once a year.

Oh, and P.S. or fourthesterdly, .0231% of my readership, the sun light makes me prettier too. It's not just vampires.

*Your words. Not mine.
**Again, your words not mine. And apparently with an English accent.
***English? Again? Really?


  1. your math skills astound me. And the Turkey name tag will only work if you have the poster behind the counter where you rent shoes.

  2. Mike- Cincologically, I'm sure you meant math skillz. And, of course the TURKEY! poster would be behind the counter, the lane's name is TURKEY! Lanes, because it's awesome.

  3. Hahahaha! Thanks for the comment on my blog and this post has me cracking up so much! Sounds like my home when my two grown sons and their ladies come for dinner. Star wars, Star Trek, LOTR....seems to be the ONLY subject other than Batman, X sons are 25 and 29 for goodness sake!!!

    1. Sounds like your family would get along grandly with my in-laws! Me? I'm pretty sure they just keep me around for the laughs!

  4. Your grasp of Star Wars stops in 1997. Mine stopped in 1977. I probably would have just fallen asleep into my plate at that table.
    But I look prettier in the sun too. Lord knows I am happier in the sun.

    1. Dawn- My grasp of Star Wars starts in 1997 too, so.... Also, I've found with these people, if you fall asleep at the table while they are talking geek they turn all nice and concerned and say things like "Wow. You must be tired. Maybe you should head to bed. In fact, why don't you sleep in tomorrow morning too! I'll make sure the kids get dressed and have breakfast. You just take it easy." And the next thing you know, they're out in the dining room eating pie and I'm stuck back in my bedroom, pieless, and I love me some pie.

  5. Sounds like the Big Bang Theory. Next time, Jon tries to do the boot scootin boogie with his chair, trip him.

    GBE2 (Beth) provides a blog prompt once a week, so if you ever want to join (or are you there already?) just click the link on my site.

    1. I don't think I'll need to trip him, all I'll have to do is call his chair move a "boot scootin boogie". That should totally do it!

      I looked up that GBE2 thing, and it could be fun! I sent my request this morning to join.

  6. Thank you for visiting my blog. I am now following yours... in that spirit!