is sitting on a store shelf. In eastern Washington. Hundreds and hundreds of miles away. All lonely like....(...*sniff*gooobbble*sniff*....) dreaming of the day, it too, can run wild and free along a really really really** hilly route that has a beautiful view of a harbor while Canadian geese honk their encouragement overhead as you POWER UP THOSE HILLS***!!!
I know. It makes me sad too.
So, in lieu of a TURKEY! hat that, let's face it, I'm not spending $45 on, (Do you know how many coffees that will buy!?! Priorities. I've got them. And they come caffeine flavored.) next year I'm just going to wear this poster:
Like a banner of awesomeness, people. A. Banner. Of. AWESOMENESS!!
*Untapped market, people. That's all I'm sayin'!
**Really.
***Spoiler Alert: I walked.
Sooooo..... (clapping hands in excitedly!) Tomorrow? I know! Right! I mean, you know what I'm talking about, obviously, because we're like the best besties in the history of, like, e-ver, obviously. And, it's the end of a four year epic battle for, um, for, um..... stuuuuuff.... Um. No. Wait. I know this. Totally! It's love. It's totally an epic battle about love, and finding your place in this world, and growing into the person you're meant to be, and angst, leaning against his silver Volvo full of angst, while he wiggles his eyebrows at you. You noticed them, right? Because his eyebrows are kinda, prominent. I mean, right there. On his face. He's like the Brooke Shields off the vampire world. Which, is not a cut down Edward, geesh! Everyone knows Brooke Shields is like, gorgeous and stuff!
But.... You have to admit,
the resemblance is uncanny!
Speaking of resemblances, have you seen Vampire High? The TV show that ran from 2001-2002? It's about a dark, silent and mysterious vampire who falls in love with a human girl from his high school and struggles with the consequences of such a dangerous relationship. Oh, and he and some other teenage vampires are supposed to be trying to learn to live in peace with humans. No. Seriously. It is. One is a newborn who is having trouble controlling his urges. Another is a beautiful and glamorous. A different one can read other people's minds. And another is known for his humorous outlook on life and light hearted nature. I mean, dude, all it's missing is a werewolf pack and a half human half vampire baby with a stupid name. (Sorry, Stephanie, but, come on, I mean, I can't be the only one who kept pronouncing her name as Resume every time they read it in the book. Of course, it's not like I have a better suggestion, so, you know, that win is totally all you right there.... Can we high five now? No? Too soon? I get that.)
So, next month, when the buzz from all the Twilight hoopla has faded and all that's left is a half used bottle of body glitter and a jagged hole in my chest where Edward's eyebrows used to be, and all I want to do is drown my sorrow in a plateful of turkey shaped gingerbread cookies, will you, my best besties, come over and watch Vampire High with me? Please? Because, dudes, this kind of angst doesn't mock itself.
