I'm going to offend you. Maybe alot. Maybe alittle. It probably depends on you're, you know, tolleration level for people yelling, "Boo-yah!" and then waving their hands all annoyingly in front of your face. Because. Yeah. I just did that. Alot.
And if your still reading, thinking to yourself, "Dude, it's Martha. She's just trying to scare us off with these annoying grammar bombs. She's probably just going to write the rest of the post in fragmented sentences. Like normal. Pshaw! She's got nothing!" I have one word for you f-bomb*. That's right. I've sprinkled them liberally throughout this post. Because, dude, IN-CEN-DI-ARY!!! (I just did that whole waving my hands in front of your face again. Yeah. Deal with it.)
Incendiary Thought #1 on Education
Parents who home school their children are lazy!
Reasons:
Because they tweet and post statuses that say things like, "Oh I just love homeschooling my children! We slept in, made waffles and then did our math and spelling while still in our pjs!"
While my status would say something like, "Dudes! This morning I hauled two inert bodies out of bunk beds an hour before we have to leave for school, and in the case of Ellie deposited her on the toilet itself, made three different breakfasts, because goodness knows we can't all eat the same thing, unloaded the dishwasher, buttoned dresses, found shoes, laid out coats, shoveled
food into my own mouth as well as others because HOW CAN THEY POSSIBLY EAT SO SLOW!, watched the clock so I could inform everyone that, "We need to leave in 20 minutes!" and then repeated myself every 5 minutes, finally I yelled in my best Drill Sergeant voice, "Back Door! Back Door! Go! Go! Go!" while I scooped up the inevitable forgotten lunch box and water bottles, only to play goalie at the back door as small bodies tried to wedge their way back into the house because they only brought three books for the 15 minute ride to school and they really really need
Megan the Monday Fairy because, well, obviously....then finally found myself at the car only to be logically listing out the reasons why Ellie can't ride backwards in her car seat before I realized what I was doing and simply picked her up, turned her around and strapped her down while ignoring her yelling "Noooo! I don't want to ride this way!" in my ear, then once we were all finally buckled I took exactly 37 fortifying swigs of coffee from my travel mug that I washed once on Monday but since today is Thursday it's starting to taste a bit off before I finally dropped Katie off at school, 10 minutes late. Again."
Logical Conclusion:
Obviously home schooling parents are lazy because I have to type more words on
Facebook than they do. Plus they didn't share their waffles, so, all bets are off.
Incendiary Thought #2 on Feminism
Bras. Burn 'em.
Reasons:
Because while I'm stuck in a tiny overly pink striped changing room mentally wrestling with the problem of whether to buy something lacy, underwired, itchy and unsupportive or something ugly, comfortable, and supportive while mumbling under my breath something along the lines of, "Stupid bras that costs (
checks label) $65!! For something basically no one is going to see unless I join a gym or get a job at one of those pastie coffee stands, which obviously I can't do, because 1) inevitably I'd burn myself with the milk steamer 2) Bring Your Daughter to Work Day would be awkward and 3) I'd spend all my tips on lattes. Dude. I hate
bra shopping!!" the last thing I need is for some salesclerk to come knock on my stupidly pink door to ask "how I'm doing" which, obviously, will startle me so much I drop my phone that I was using to look up the profit margin on t-shirt bras, and as I bend over to pick it up while insisting, "I'm doing just fine!" I'll slip on the pile of stupid bra hangers I've left on the
floor that I was too lazy to hang up, fall on my face and end up with my head sticking out from under the stupidly pink door looking straight at the salesclerks perfectly shaved legs and think to myself, "Man, I wish I had that kind of time. I haven't shaved my legs since last September for my triathlon." Which I will actually say out loud. Because it's me.
There's a reason I go bra shopping by myself.
Logical Conclusion:
Bras are stupid. Unless they're for running. Then they're awesome. But mostly because running stores don't have pink changing rooms.
Incendiary Thought #3 on Celebrity Hair Styles
Your hair looks stupid! Yes. I'm talking to you Drew Barrymore.
Reasons:
Remember when I got my hair cut and colored? At that
fancy salon? With the artsy prints on the wall and matching decor? Yeah. I try to block out those kind of awkward situations too. Aw, who are we kidding?
Here's the link to that post!
Anywho, as I was sitting, trapped in that hydraulic spinny chair, staring at the atrocity that was my neglected-split-ended-
last-colored-in-Mabel's-bathroom-a-year-ago-while-sporting-teal-eyebrows-head in the giant mirror in front of me, the stylist actually says, "Ooo! Who did your color? Ombre is really in right now!"
Seriously.
Then, after the stylist's description of ombre being the coloring of your hair in gradient hues from dark at the roots to light at the ends, during which I did not once tell her I thought it was a reference to a three handed card game popular in Europe in the 17th and 18th centuries, because that would be awkward, I realized, UsMagazine is right! Celebrities are JUST LIKE US! The only difference is they pay a couple hundred dollars to have their hair look like JUST LIKE MINE!
Logical Conclusion:
Color your hair in Mabel's bathroom, wait a year, and you'll look just like Drew Barrymore!
But for less money.
Incendiary Thought #4 on Unisex Fashions
This hat makes everyone look awesome! Or.... should I say TURKEY!
Reasons:
Logical Conclusion:
And, because I promised, here's one last
f-bomb for you all.
*Which, fine. "F-bomb" may be a hyphenated word and it can be argued that it is actually two words, but, in order to arbitrate this inevitable disagreement I would've had to Google it, and then I would have gotten sucked into the Internet reading about famous cover ups which would inevitably lead me to reading about the possible murder of Kurt Cobain, which would have brought me to looking at maps of Seattle, which would eventually bring me to Zillow, because obviously, where I would then wander across the 1-90 bridge to find
this house** on Mercer Island. Which I will be buying someday. It's happened before.
**PEOPLE IF WE ALL CHIP IN $100 IT COULD BE OURS! ALL OURS!!
