Thursday, May 9, 2013

Hello 20 Minutes My Old Friend, The Last Time We Met We Talked Of Kraken*

So, for my birthday, I went to see Face Punch.  True. Story.

And, I know, you thought that with the last and final installment of the Stephanie Meyer's saga of love, sparkles, angst, painful facial expressions and mythological creatures stuck in the perpetual hell that is high school giving painful births to teenage love babies who they later have to defend by tearing off other mythological creatures heads last November, I was done with all the Twilight references. But, awesome oblique references never get old.  Especially since I haven't filled my guilty, cheesy, candy book made into an awkward movie void yet. Related: I hope someone brings Northanger Abbey to the big screen sometime, because:
"She had a thin awkward figure, a sallow skin without color, dark lank hair, and strong features-so much for her person; and not less unpropitious for heroism seemed her mind. She was fond of all boy's plays, and greatly preferred cricket not merely to dolls, but to the more heroic enjoyments of infancy, nursing a dormouse, feeding a canary bird, or watering a rose bush."
"Such were her propensities-her abilities were quite as extraordinary. She never could learn or understand anything before she was taught; and sometimes not even then, for she was often inattentive, and occasionally stupid."

And, obviously, because of this exchange when the heroine, Catherine, finally makes it to Bath:
"How uncomfortable it is," whispered Catherine, "not to have a single acquaintance here!"
"Yes, my dear," replied Mrs. Allen, with perfect serenity, "it is very uncomfortable indeed."
"What shall we do? The gentlemen and ladies at this table look as if they wondered why we came here-we seem forcing ourselves into their party."
"Aye, so we do.  That is very disagreeable. I wish we had a large acquaintance here."
"I wish we had any-it would be somebody to go to."
"Very true, my dear; and if we knew anybody we would join them directly. The Skinners were here last year-I wish they were here now."

Because, dude, not only is Jane Austen's parody of the Gothic novel hilarious I'd totally watch that movie over Face Punch.  Even if Morgan Freeman is in it.

OK, true story back story: Here it was, my birthday, and I was dressed up in my birthday finery:
Meaning, Katie helped pick out my outfit, which someday she will want final say on, because, "Mommy, it would be fancier with purple leggings!"

and Jon and I were off to do things grown ups do out on the town without kids! On a Wednesday night.  So, yeah. We went to the movies.  But, the movie we wanted to see didn't start until 9:30! 9:30 people!! What kind of crazy people go to see a movie that starts at 9:30 on a Wednesday? Exactly. Not this kind of crazy person.  Which meant our other choices were:

  1. GI Joe in 3-D, which, eh, never a big GI Joe action figurine type of girl, My Little Ponies on the other hand....
  2. Some horrifically scary movie that I will never see because while my threshold for stupid is off the charts my ability to handle scary situations is teeny teeny tiny (I'm holding my thumb and my first finger all close together here. There is no space between them.) 
  3. The Host. Which as you all know, because you got the Twilight reference above, is a movie adapted from a Stephanie Meyer book.  
  4. Or Face Punch, which the directer cleverly disguised by naming it Olympus Has Fallen.  

And without reading a single plot summary, or review, we chose Face Punch.

Because we're stupid. Or, because I'm a nice wife who decided not to make Jon go see a Stephanie Meyer movie. But mostly the first one.

Dude.  Soooo many people shot in the head.  Sooo many times.  In a row. Which, OK, fine, we've got to get through the carnage to get to the main intense plot line**, so, sure, let's keep  the Secret Service people streaming out the doors of the White House, each and every single one of them getting shot in the head, but then? Then they killed a dog. A dog people. Dude. In my book that is game over.  GAME OVER! But, still, we didn't walk out. Because? We're stupid.  I already covered that.

And, as I sat there nerves literally vibrating with adrenaline or fear or don't-shoot-anyone-else-in-the-head-don't-shoot-anyone-else-in-the-AHHHHH-THEY-JUST-SHOT-SOMEONE-ELSE-IN-THE-HEAD-itis I made up a new rule for my birthday: The Stephanie Meyer Movie Will Be Chosen. Always.

Unless The Absent Minded Professor is playing In 3-D.

Or Herbie The Love Bug.

Or State Fair. (Because of the pig, who doesn't get near enough screen time. Obviously).

Or Swiss Family Robinson.

But not Benji, because I can't take that kind of cute puppy stress anymore.

*Dude. If my last name was Garfunkel I'd rhyme better too.

**Plot line spoiler alert: It was stupid. And completely unbelievable and not in a silly "I just invented Flubber!" kind of way.  In a more, I will shoot more people in the head of you don't give me what I want! No! I will shove my knife into your brain when I find you! type of way. Second plot line spoiler alert: At the end of the movie someone had a knife in their head.

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