Thursday, May 30, 2013

This Post Was Previously Published On Twitter For Governmental Convenience

So, I heard this report on NPR while driving around yesterday, and, granted I only heard like 9.35% of it because Ellie was in the backseat, and she had some very pressing questions about power lines. *See sound bite below. Basically, (and I'm using basically to mean 9.35%, obviously) the report said that the government is listening in on our conversations on Twitter. Which, duh. There's a reason aluminum foil was invented.  But. It got me to thinking. Maybe that's why airport security hasn't had a complete overhaul yet! I mean, dude, President Obama, it's been at least two years since my post! What are you doing over there in the White House? Besides being kissed on the collar by an auntie, that is.  Which, really, you used the word auntie? I mean, who calls people that? Then again, I call my bowel movements tut-tut, so touche Mr. President. Touche.


My open letter to the government:

Dear Governmental People Lurking Around Twitter,

It's been at least five months since I've flown in an airplane. However, when I did, I noticed that while you may have made a few changes, such as no longer requiring me to fight with my two year old over the removal and subsequent disappearance of her shoes (But, Mommy! Where does the moving black counter take them!?! I WANT MY SHOES!!) you still have quite a few scanners installed in the security lanes.  You know, the GMO-pesticide-ridden-nicotine-spewing-supersized-saccharine-fountain-drink-possibly-lard-oozing-ones-and-I-don't-mean-the-non-vegetarian-Mexican-re-fried-bean-lard-I-mean-the-glop-of-lard-on-your-morning-toast-kind-of-oozing-lard-body-scanners. Or, as you probably refer to them, the naked-picture-taking-cancer-causing-body-scanners.  This. Is. Silly. Puppy bomb sniffers are cuter, cheaper, and, truthfully, are better behaved.  Plus, if you catch someone sneaking through more than the one allowed quart sized bag of travel snacks for a two year old through security, TSA totally has backup. Four whole paws worth of backup. Just sayin'.


P.S. Goldtoe is supposed to be an oblique reference to the James Bond movie, Goldfinger. Because it sounded cool.  Which, truthfully, I've never seen. BUT, I did go to Idaho and it did this to my feet:

So, obviously, reference: Nailed.

*Sound Bite:
Ellie: What are those?
Me: Power lines. They bring electricity to houses and businesses. 
Ellie: Why are they black?
Me: I think they wrap them in a black plastic or something to insulate the wires from the cold.
Ellie: No, Mommy, they're painted.  Why are they black?
Me: They wrap them in plastic to keep the electricity from getting cold when it rains.
Ellie: No, Mommy, they're painted.  Why are they black?


 P.S. Power lines are black so the birds can see them better as they land on them.  Also, I don't know as much about electricity as I thought.


  1. "Auntie" is very common in the northeast. Pronounced "ahntie." Not sure how the president says it, but "antie" to me sounds like Dorothy Gale whining, or a redundantly small insect.

    1. Redundantly small insects are cute. Especially when you add the name Martha after them. :)