Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Some Weeks You Wonder If You Are Raising A Superhero or Supervillain

My two year old has lost the ability to comprehend the meaning of "No." and "Don't do that" and "Please, stop." and "Why are you spitting that back out!" among other idioms.  She has, however, perfected this conversation that she likes to have daily:

Ellie: Mommy! Where are you?
Me: In the bathroom.
Ellie: Mommy!! Where are YOU?
Me: Ellie, I'm on the toilet, give Mommy a few-
Me: I am on the toilet going tut tut, give Mommy a few min-
Ellie: MOMMY!!!! WHERE! ARE! YOU!?!?!?!!!

She also likes to have this conversation while sitting on the other side of the bathroom door.

So, instead of complaining about these precious years that I should hold onto tightly, because before you know it they'll be gone in a whisper of a butterfly's wing, which, let's be honest, right now I'd rather dip my hands in a vat of liquefied coconut oil and juggle them while walking over hot coals, because then I'd get to tut-tut in peace, I'm writing a post with personificated cows.

Because the internet has a shocking deficit of personificated cows.


Like zero "personificated cows" hits on Google.

Plus, when I pulled the hot pan of pumpkin nut bread out of the oven and placed it on the counter next to the open bottle of rubbing alcohol, that someone carelessly left out, nothing exploded. So, you know, slow blog content week.

A Conversation Between Two Personificated Cows In A Field In The Middle Of Idaho

Cowmund: Dude!
Moorice: What?
Cowmund: See that short person over there?
Moorice: Yeah. So?
Cowmund: I dare you to go lick it.
Moorice: Dude.  That's gross. No way, man! I don't lick kids.
Cowmund: Come on. Don't be a chicken.  I double triple quadruple dare you!
Moorice: And if I do?
Cowmund: I'll step in my own fresh cow tut-tut.
Moorice: (raises eyebrow) You did that this morning.
Cowmund: While it's steaming.
Moorice:  (rolls eyes) And if I don't?
Cowmund: Dude! I don't know! Just go lick it!
Moorice: No.
Cowmund: Come on, Dude! I'm bored! Look! It's even holding out some grass! She wants to be licked!
Moorice: No.
Cowmund: Seriously?
Moorice: Serious as your Aunt Betsy with an udder infection.
Cowmund: You need to shut up about my Aunt Betsy.
Moorice: (raises eyebrow)
Cowmund: Dude. Fine. Whatever.  I'll lick it. (Trots over. Closes eyes. Licks Ellie. Runs away spitting and drooling and snorting.)
Moorice: (laughing) What'd I tell you man! What did it taste like?
Cowmund: (cringing) Like peanut butter.  (grimacing) And Nutella. (shutters) Sandwiches.

The End
Of A Conversation Between Personificated Cows
Or, Alternately
Ellie Went To Idaho And Got Licked By A Cow Who Is Not Personified In Real Life

Hopefully something will explode next week.

*Everybody Poops. It's a book. For children.  Meaning while it's an appropriate topic of conversation to have with my two year old, it's still an annoying one. 


  1. Google is watching you. You are already the top three and four link on the results page for "Personificated Cows".

    1. Seriously!?! You totally just made my day! Or, as Cowmund, the personificated cow, would say, "That's moovelous!"