Thursday, November 7, 2013

A Possible Premeditated Pedestal Tipping

The other evening I was literally ambushed by this conversation with Ellie:

Ellie: (walking into the kitchen as I'm cooking dinner with that serious look on her face, you know the one, the one she uses when she yells, "SWIPER NO SWIPING!" while watching Dora) Mommy? I pretty much only like Daddy.

Me: (continuing to slice apples, because I'm unflappable like that) You do?

Ellie: (crossing her chubby little arms over her chest) Yeah.

Me: (going there) Don't you like Mommy? (because, really, why wouldn't you)

Ellie: (without a pause) No. Not very much.

Me: (arranging the apple slices on a plate to look like flower petals) Why is that?

Ellie: (uncrossing her arms, hands balled into fists at her side) Because you button my top buckle on my car seat and I like to do it!

Then she stalked out of the room.

Later that weekend Ellie had this conversation with Jon while I was eavesdropping in the other room:

Ellie: (sweetly cuddling up to Jon on the couch) Daddy? I love you.

Jon: (leaning over to kiss Ellie's head) I love you too.

Ellie: (in her explaining voice) But I don't like Mommy. Not very much.

Jon: (in his explaining voice) Oh! But I do.  I think she's very nice.  She does many nice things for us and loves us very very much.

Ellie: (looking at Jon through squinty eyes as if he'd just told her he thought Dora The Explorer was boring) Ohhhh....

Then she scooted herself off the couch and left the living room. She may have walked backwards.

Me: (poking my head around the corner to look at Jon) Dude!

Jon: What?

Me: Aren't you even curious!?!

Then this morning, in the car, on the way home from swim lessons, I had this conversation with Ellie:

Ellie: (matter of factly, with just a tinge of wistfulness) I like to be with Daddy a lot.

Me: (reading the foreshadowing on the wall) You do, huh?

Ellie: (with all the love she can muster from her 30 pounds, so, obviously that means she needs to use her "outdoor voice") YEAH! A LOT!!

Me: (going there. yes, again.) Do you like to do things with Mommy?

Ellie: (without a pause) No. Not very much.

Me: Don't we do fun things?

Ellie: (again with the pauselessness) No.

Me: (in my "Oh no she didn't" voice) Didn't we play salon this morning and Mommy let you brush her hair and put in all these barrettes? Didn't we then play UNO MOO and you won, right? Then, I'm pretty sure, we read like five library books in a row all before going to swim lessons. Wasn't that fun?

Ellie: (like a robot, people, a Daddy-Is-The-Bestest-Thing-EVER-Nothing-Can-Compare-To-His-AWESOMENESS Robot, but with feeling) No.

Me: (my brain mumbling something about water and ducks) Why? What do you like to do with Daddy?

Ellie: (lighting up like Christmas! Like. Christmas. People. There may have been jazz hands.) We play marble track! I like to play MAAAARBLE TRACK!

Me: (with a large snort) So, what you're telling me is, that if I play marble track with you I'll be able to push Daddy out of that top tier of popularity? Then you'd like Mommy just as much as Daddy? That's all it would take?

Ellie: (pausing. thinking. pausing again. proceeding, with caution.) Yes. Because that would be fun.

Oh my goodness, guys!! Acclaim! Adoration! Approval! Favor! Esteem! The Eternal Regard and Renown of a three year old! All there for the taking! So tempting....

Me: You know what I think we should do when we get home, Ellie?

Ellie: (hopefully) What!?!

Me: Night night naps.  Because Mommy is quite tired. (And then I faked a yawn.)

Eh. Eternal regard and renown is overrated anyway.


  1. So true! and so through the warped perspective of a 3 yr old. Thank you for another great article. :-)

  2. Oh and P.S. - I heard an awful lot of "But that's not the way Mommy does it" (said with an incredulous whine) when I was there to visit last year and was trying to keep up with the amazing things that you do for your children.

    1. Like ARRANGE THEIR APPLE SLICES TO LOOK LIKE FLOWERS! you know, as one example.

  3. We had to read this aloud in our house. It's completely amazing. Also, I think this means you've passed some sort of cosmic test and will advance to the next level -- whatever that is... :)

    1. You mean I get to Level Up!?! Man, the computer geek in Jon is going to be sooo jeleaous. Especially when I eat his donut tomorrow morning, because he hasn't amassed enough Experience Points.