My kids. They're going to send me over the edge one day.
Ellie: (on monkey bars at playground) Mommy! Watch this!
Me: Weeeeee! Very Cool!
Ellie: (stopping. staring) Why did you make that face?
Me: (confused) What? You mean smiling?
Ellie: Yeah. Why?
Me: (re-evaluating every facial expression since Ellie's birth) I...I...guess
Ellie: (Runs off to the swings. Laughing.)
Katie: (on walk to school) Mom! This bush looks just like a dinosaur!
Me: (looking, unconvinced) Reeeeally??
Katie: Yeah! You have to squint hard.
Katie: Squintier than that.
Katie: See it!?!
Me: Well, look at that! A dinosaur! Right there! (pull out phone) Want a picture? (click)
Katie: (laughs) Just kidding! It doesn't. I made that up. It's just a bush.
Ellie: (holding up a paper from school) T is for turkey, Mommy!
Me: (Putting on my vegetarian hat. It looks like kale and smells of self righteous nutrition.) Oh, Ellie... What's wrong with the poor turkey?
Ellie: (looking at paper) Oh, nothing. It's just killed and baked on a plate, Mommy.
Me: THEN what's going to happen to the wittle turkey!?!
Ellie: (with a glint in her eye) Someone will eat it.
Me: (getting...) Is that a good thing?
Me: (ser.i.ous) Why?
Ellie: Because. Then there will be less sound in the world.
Me: Less sound?
Ellie: Yeah. Turkeys are noisy birds.
Of course, I could bring it on myself too.
Jon: (walks into kitchen) How's your coffee?
Me: Deliciously caffeinated!
Jon: Um, where'd you get that mug?
Me: The dishwash- (shoulders dropping, in realization, or smartness, really its your choice) It's not clean, is it?
Me: (sipping, thinking, but uncaffeinatedly) Hmmm.... No. It's still good.
But, then, I looked at Katie's "dinosaur bush" again:
And I thought, "Nope. Definitely not my fault."
P.S. I've been away for awhile. Because I'm lazy. Or because I became a Disney princess.
Either could be true.