Tuesday, September 28, 2010

In Which I Contemplate A Career Change And Come To A Rather Messy Conclusion

As a mom of two children ages three and under, I've taken myself out of the job market. Instead, I spend my days doing a variety of mundane tasks all while reenacting the Winnie the Pooh story where Rabbit and Pooh and Piglet decide to get rid of Kanga and Roo by stealing baby Roo and replacing him with Piglet but then realize that they can all be friends in the end, but not after Piglet is given a bath and a cookie. Strangely enough, some days I dream of more....

So like the organized person I've become, I've made a list of all the jobs I am currently acquiring a skill set in.

Vegetarian Chef
Salary: $32,000/year

Will knowing 20 different ways to prepare mac and cheese get me a raise?

Salary: $40,000/year

Since I have actually taught in a classroom, "Bwaaahhahhaha!! Hee, hee, hee, heeeeeeeeeeeee....That's not funny."

Groom of the Stool, aka Poop Wiper
Salary: 50 Pounds/ year under the reign of King Edward VI (1537-1553)

Apparently I CAN'T get a job wiping the Queen of England's butt anymore since the first Queen Elizabeth decided to get all independent and start doing it herself. I was overly qualified anyway.

Barista at Steamy Grounds Espresso, aka Boob Flasher
Salary: $17,000/year

I drink A TON of coffee and I breastfeed Ellie. I'm thinkin' it's about time I get paid for it.

So which of these exciting opportunities is going to be my new career path?

None of the above.

I've found something better!

Competitive Eater
Salary: $50,000/year

However, I do have two questions for the International Federation of Competitive Eating before joining their sport circuit.

1) Can Sonya Thomas, aka The Black Widow, eat 37 hot dogs in 12 minutes while arguing with Katie about eating her mashed potatoes, holding a screaming and pinching Ellie and stalk people on Facebook at the same time? Because if not, I totally OWN HER!

2) Can I bring my own Tofurky?


  1. I am not the International Federation of Competitive Eating, but...

    1) You definitely have the edge and
    2) Sure...if you can competitive eat tofurky, you win any eating competition in my book.

  2. Breezey, on the off chance you ARE secretly with the International Federation of Competitive Eating and hunting new talent I can totally bribe you with some kickin' tofu muffins. With apricots.
    You know where to find me.