Sunday, April 24, 2011

If You See Me Walking Around With Flames Coming Out Of My Head Hit Me With A Shot From The Fire Extinguisher

It's Easter, and while traditionally I should be writing a post about Jesus, Easter lilies, clucking Cadbury Creme Egg delivering rabbits and spiral sliced ham (Do you know what part of the pig that used to be? I do.) I'm not. Because, dude, everyone wrote one like that today. And, truthfully I only participated in two of the four traditions. Although... I did deal with a high number of butts today....

And now you all understand why I should not be writing a post about Easter.*

So... you get a post about Earth Day instead. It has less lightning bolts and fewer disapproving glares when I walk in to teach Sunday school next week.

(That's a page break up there. NO! Wait! That's an artistic page break! Yeah. Way cooler, right?)

This year in honor of Earth Day, Katie, Ellie and I bought the $5 soil test kit from our local Fred Meyer to test the soil in our Smart Car sized garden. Now, the non-existent gods of Earth Day had been messing with me good these past few months. Mostly in the form of overly prolific bacteria growth in Katie and Ellie and a colony of ants in my kitchen. Not cool, non-existent god's. Not cool at all. But last Friday, all was forgiven after a short science lesson and some flamingo dancing in the garden (to shake the test tubes, of course). Why? Because we got these results for our nitrogen:
What's that you say non-existent Earth Day gods? Drink more coffee? A lot of coffee? For the health of my little micro-environment? For the tiny baby strawberries that are just a gleam in the stamen of their father's eyes? Oookaaayy! (cue excited jumping, overly enthusiastic fist ka-chinging and giddy clapping)

Obviously, the non-existent Earth Day gods and I became besties within seconds! We were planning trips to the park, tea parties, yoga lessons! But, then, something weird happened. I looked at the results for the pot ash:

Um...awkward, right? I mean, here I was thinking that the non-existent Earth Day gods and I were total buddies now. Chums! Mates! Pals! Each other's sidekick even! And they go and throw a 4/20 at me. Dude....What's with that, non-existent Earth Day gods? It's like you don't even know me. I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to say it again: Not cool, non-existent Earth Day gods. Not cool at all. And this time? It's for realsies.

*Because invariably I would be forced to make a joke about Jesus and poop that would be, um, rather, kinda, yeah.... pretty much, um... inappropriate. It would however be historically accurate. Just sayin'.


  1. Samantha asked what part of the pig ham came from. She also asked where bacon came from. I told her some questions are better left unanswered, unless she too wanted to become a full time vegetarian...

  2. Sausage. Now there's another good one!