Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I Had A Sequined Tiger Shirt Once. Hindsight Man. It's 20/20

I've been negligent here. Again. "Ho hum....," you say. "What's new? Ku-ku-ka-choo and all that." And I even though that's the most depressed ku-ku-ka-choo I've heard in a long time, I still have no answer for you. I don't even have a witty story about pie or coffee or show tune scratching chickens or even purses with sequined cats on them, which is surprising, because posts about sequined cats should just write themselves. But they don't. I'm guessing it's their lack of a good pencil grip. So, instead here's some snippets of conversations I've had over the week for you to read. Unless you're like me and have an overwhelming desire to go shop Amazon for the most amazing sequined cat purse ever!!*

At the optometrist's office
Eyeglass Fixer Guy: Wow! How did you get this huge crack in your lens?
Me: Ohhhh....(shifting Ellie on my hip) I don't know. Maybe some kid hit me. These 11 month old babies can really pack a wallop you know!
Eyeglass Fixer Guy: (blinks) ............ (stares)

At same optometrist's office sans kids
Receptionist: Can I get a number where I can reach you?
Me: (pulling out my cell phone) Just a minute.
Receptionist: Ummm.... I just need your phone number.
Me: Oh, I know. I don't know my own cell phone number and since I have a babysitter I'm not going to be home.
Receptionist: Oh, how nice! What are you going to do?
Me: I'm going out to buy a second pair of pants! (followed by a fist pump and booty dance)

On the phone with Customer Service Corey
Me: I can't find the replacement control chords for your breast pumps on your web-
Customer Service Corey: (sheer panic in his voice) LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE! I'm not, um, I'm not allowed to, hold on, I'm going to transfer you.

On the phone with Customer Service Mary
Customer Service Mary: Can I get your address?
Me: Sure. I live at 5555 Donner Drive. Donner. With a D.
Customer Service Mary: So that's 5555 Vottier Drive?
Me: No. Donner. You know. Like the party.
Customer Service Mary: Bonnet?
Me: No. Donner. D as in dead. O as in outside. N as in nibble. N as in neck. E as in eat. And R as in Reed. Donner. Like the party.
Customer Service Mary: I'm sorry. Could you spell that again?

Aaaaannnnnddddd....this is why conversations with me should take place solely in my head.

* I also totally saved you a ton of time browsing on Amazon!
You're welcome.