Monday, May 7, 2012

My Mother Does House-Bound, Well, Like This:

Not too long ago my mom fell and broke her leg.  In two places.  Not too long ago, I flew down to Arizona with a suitcase filled with my knitting* and all the summer clothes I could find in my dresser (i.e. two pairs of shorts) in order to sit with my house-bound mother.

Yeah.  I don't know what I was thinking either.

Things You Do With Your Mom When She Has A Titanium Rod Newly Attached To Her Femur

1.  You drive her to each and every doctor visit she can think up, because, she's only allowed out of the house for doctor visits and church. (Hahahahahaha! You crazy doctors! It's like you don't even know my mother!)  

2.  You go to church, and then on the way home she says something like, "Hey! Aren't we close to the 'Vettes and Bombers show? Maybe we should drive by? Or get out and walk around for an hour or two? Might be fun for you! Don't worry, I'll find a nice shaded place to sit down with my walker when I get tired and visit with people.  I just thought it'd be fun for you!" (FYI, she never sits down.)

3.  You go to the 'Vettes and Bombers show.  And, you stand and watch as she debates with herself whether they will let a woman with a broken leg take a ride in this airplane:

4.  While at the 'Vettes and Bombers show, you visit with her corvette buddies and they ask you questions like, "What kind of car do you drive?" And you watch, as both your parent's chairs are suddenly 2 inches further away from yours, as you answer, "An '03 Honda Civic. It's a, um, a four cylinder...."

5.  You walk the mall early in the morning with her, while she wears this hat:

Because it's an awesome hat.

6. She gives you a ridiculously long spoon to stir your coffee with each and every morning.  Because she doesn't drink coffee.  And because she thinks it's funny. Which it is, after the first cup Mom, ONLY AFTER THE FIRST CUP!

7.  You have to sneak out of the house each morning before 6am (just like in high school!) to go running by yourself. Otherwise, she'd probably figure out a way to ride her bicycle with a broken leg so she could go with you (just like in high school!).  Also, as a bonus, you score these photos of springtime in your old neighborhood:

8.  You do yoga amongst the orange trees in the backyard after your run in the morning, just to see if she'll come out and join you.  She doesn't.  Yoga is too weird.

9.  Because your sister and nephew come to visit for the weekend she thinks it would be fun if we all drove up to Payson "just for the day." For a 4-wheel drive trip.

10.  While sitting in camp, you talk with some of her 4-wheeler friends, and they ask you questions like, "How much 4-wheeling do you do up in Washington?" (Uh, none.) and "So, what do you drive?" And, you watch, as both your parent's chairs are, once again, two inches further away from yours, as you answer, again, "Um, we drive an '03 Honda Civic...."

11.  You finally head home, back to the misty Puget Sound area you live in, and hope against hope that she didn't see this at the Bombers and 'Vettes show:

Because one broken leg is enough, Mom!

*Look, knitting has become really popular, people.  I mean, everywhere you look someone with tattoos and a vintage flare to their wardrobe is purling out stuff like this:

And this:

And even socks with pockets!

People who can do that are awesome! And, because I'm a wuss who will never get a tattoo in real life (Because it would hurt. Plus I'd get something really cool tattooed on me, like the word TURKEY! or maybe just a replica of my awesome TURKEY! poster or something, and then I'd be a senile 102 year old woman stuck in some nursing home and the nurses would see my tattoo and they'd immediately think that turkey was my favorite thing to eat and they'd start serving me turkey sandwiches for every meal, and I wouldn't be able to tell them that I'd been a vegetarian for 80 some odd years and all those turkey's would needlessly die to feed my senile 102 year old self, and that's a lot to have on a person's conscience. And yeah, mostly because it would hurt.) and also being someone whose wardrobe will not be moving from a jeans and t-shirt theme into a more vintage-y look anytime soon (thank you small children), taking up knitting was the only way I could think of to make myself more culturally relevant, or, just, you know, kinda cool..... Hip.  Hunky-dory! Boss!  Wicked!  Meritorious! 

Unfortunately, after almost a years worth of work, my knitting looks like this:

And, once I look at it juxtapositionally, with my mother who spends her free time racing corvettes, 4-wheeling, and wearing groundbreaking fashionable duck hats on one side and me who has spent almost a year knitting a dishcloth.... Yeah....I may really need to get that tattoo after all.  Thanks, Mom.


  1. I love your Mom's duck hat too (and it's especially appropriate when she takes her duck whistle along too) :-) and I love this blog post. I always smile and often laugh out loud when I read your posts. The picture story that accompanies this one is fabulous too. Writing and photography! you are very talented.

    1. Well, the hat and whistle are a matching set....

      And, thanks for saying all those nice things, but, if you want to talk talented, look at those socks! SOCKS WITH POCKETS! Genius! :)