Friday, September 5, 2014

Four Words You Should Never Say To Your Kid's Teacher

It's that time, the start of school for us up here in the Northwest. And this year? Both girls are being edjumacated. By other people. Outside of the structural walls of our house.  (And all the homeschoolers give a sigh of relief. Because I just used the word edjumacated. In a sentence. Twice.) But this leaves me with the problem of hiding certain things from Katie and Ellie's teachers. Well, not so much as things, as really, well... words. Four words that bring casual conversations with other adults to an You know what I'm talking about. The same four words that when said are either overly praised for the courage it took to own up to or viewed with well meaning disapproval. Exactly: "Stay-At-Home-Mom".

Now those types of awkward social situations can be quietly dealt with, either with a humble "thank you" or a quick self deprecating, "I'm like the kitten on the poster, just hanging out!"

But then? Then, there are the predators. The people, who when they hear the words "stay-at-home-mom" begin to ponder and plan all the ways they can take advantage of your special family situation. And then they wait. For the perfect time, their diabolical plan, pulsing, waiting, festering in the deepest darkest parts of their hearts. Their hearts of greeeeed and INIQUITY! (Wait. googlegooglegoogledef:iniquity:wickedness Yep. That's right. Iniquity. Moving on.)

I call these people teachers.

And they usually launch their plans in September.

I'm looking at you with my serious face here, people. The one I reserve for small children and their close proximity to my caffeine cup.  Yes. That one. Because, Katie's teacher actually sent home a form for me to fill out! And? The first question? "When can you volunteer in the classroom?" Dude! I already went shopping for school supplies. At a store! That I had to drive to! Haven't I given enough? Is the depth of my parental love now to be solely measured by the amount of time I spend helping other kids master their fast math facts!?!

Apparently, yes.

So, now, I'm working on making my lies excuses more, well, plausible.... These are my top four:

1. I'd LOVE to volunteer! Unfortunately, right now I'm swamped with all my science volunteer work. The molecules in our allotrope control group have completely blindsided us with their hydrocarbon polymerisation and we need to get them into some sort of stasis, otherwise, as I'm sure you understand, one environmentalist to the other, the pinus strobus will be compromised. And, really, we don't have the time to waste. 

Pro: I sound really smart. I also rocked pre-chem back in 9th grade, so, obviously I have the credentials to back myself up.
Con: I would need to memorize a lot more science terms. That would be a lot of work. Because, truthfully? Thanks to the slackadaisical teaching of Mr.Tillet back in 9th grade, I'm not really sure what a polymerisation is...

2. Bless your heart, I've added you to my prayer list. Have a great year!

Pro: Technically, this could be totally true. And, let's face it, anyone attempting to wrangle 25 kids for six hours a day and stay sane could use a little prayer.
Con: Looking at it Biblically, I bet during those three roosters crowing, and everything else, Peter prayed for Jesus during his trial. And we all know how that turned out.

3. I'm sorry, I simply don't have the time to volunteer in the classroom this year. I'm thinking about going pro with my pole dancing. I'm close, but I'm having real trouble with the flipperty bits. It just doesn't show off the gibblets like it should, you know? 

Pro: It shows commitment to my dreams.
Con: I don't have the wardrobe to really keep this one floating all year. I don't own near enough yoga pants.

4. Once my sister dared me to stare directly at the sun. I did.

Pro: It's obtuse. It doesn't lend itself to inquiry. And, it's completely true.
Con: Can't see any. This may be the winner!

How do you get out of volunteering in your kid's schools?

UPDATE, because, dude, with this post the troll comments just write themselves:
I gave Katie's teacher Thursday afternoons.

Once a month.

And, yes, that is how much I love my kids.


  1. Like you I had great hopes for my time after all the children were in school. But "escalating" describes the time with the children. Now I know the stay-at-home-mom concept is an illusion. I have to say that it is a blessing and not a curse though.

    1. Hopes? I have PLANS for those times! Although, if these first three days were any indication for the rest of the year, I'm only going to get 1/4 of them accomplished. :/