I Don't Have A Clue How This Happened

I've been working in the yard lately. Something tells me I may need a vacation.

Disclaimer: I've never flipped anyone the bird in my entire life. Really! I'm not kidding!



Okaaaayyyy.

There was that one time when I was substituting in a 4th grade classroom. I was going over the vocabulary words on the board and I realized I'd been flipping the whole class off for about five minutes. In hind sight, I should have talked in an English accent the rest of the day. It would have made everything way less embarrassing.*

*But not as embarrassing as the time I told the story about Deadwood Dick and bulldogging to a bunch of 5th graders. Don't worry. I only teach Sunday School now.

In Which I Contemplate A Career Change And Come To A Rather Messy Conclusion

As a mom of two children ages three and under, I've taken myself out of the job market. Instead, I spend my days doing a variety of mundane tasks all while reenacting the Winnie the Pooh story where Rabbit and Pooh and Piglet decide to get rid of Kanga and Roo by stealing baby Roo and replacing him with Piglet but then realize that they can all be friends in the end, but not after Piglet is given a bath and a cookie. Strangely enough, some days I dream of more....

So like the organized person I've become, I've made a list of all the jobs I am currently acquiring a skill set in.

Vegetarian Chef
Salary: $32,000/year
Will knowing 20 different ways to prepare mac and cheese get me a raise?

Teacher
Salary: $40,000/year
Since I have actually taught in a classroom, "Bwaaahhahhaha!! Hee, hee, hee, heeeeeeeeeeeee....That's not funny."

Groom of the Stool, aka Poop Wiper
Salary: 50 Pounds/ year under the reign of King Edward VI (1537-1553)
Apparently I CAN'T get a job wiping the Queen of England's butt anymore since the first Queen Elizabeth decided to get all independent and start doing it herself. I was overly qualified anyway.

Barista at Steamy Grounds Espresso, aka Boob Flasher
Salary: $17,000/year
I drink A TON of coffee and I breastfeed Ellie. I'm thinkin' it's about time I get paid for it.

So which of these exciting opportunities is going to be my new career path?

None of the above.

I've found something better!




Competitive Eater
Salary: $50,000/year
However, I do have two questions for the International Federation of Competitive Eating before joining their sport circuit.

1) Can Sonya Thomas, aka The Black Widow, eat 37 hot dogs in 12 minutes while arguing with Katie about eating her mashed potatoes, holding a screaming and pinching Ellie and stalk people on Facebook at the same time? Because if not, I totally OWN HER!

2) Can I bring my own Tofurky?

This Post Is For All The Conspiracy Theorists In The Room!

Me: (In my best Kris Kross voice) All you conspiracy theorists out there, can I get a WOOT!

You: (crickets)

Me: (Optimistically jumping like Kris Kross) How about a WOOT! WOOT!

You: ...um...woot?...

Me: Thanks guys. That's not embarrassing. Nooooooo. Not at all.

How "Major Credit Card Corporation"
Tried To Kill Me

Thursday-11:45am
While headed out the door with my hands full of infant seat carrier, diaper bag, water bottle and Fuzzy Bear I lie to "Major Credit Card Corporation" about writing down their phone number to have Jon call them back. (I also do this to the blood bank when they call. Mostly because I'm evil.)

Thursday-7:20pm
"Major Credit Card Corporation" knows I haven't given the message to Jon and calls back anyway. They speak for 20 minutes. "Major Credit Card Corporation" tries in vain to get Jon to tell them his birth date, the name of his first pet and the last four digits of his Social Security number. Jon tries to convince "Major Credit Card Corporation" that they are a scam. Neither the employee nor their supervisor agrees. Jon hangs up.

Friday-10:30am-12:00pm
The girls and I go shopping for clothes that don't show off Katie's skinny little belly button where I DO NOT use "Major Credit Card Corporation's" card but do buy four shirts, eight pairs of socks and one pair of dress shoes with flowers.

Friday-12:15-1:30pm
We arrive at Roundish Table Pizza where their computers weirdly stop working just as we order. A diaper change, 1 1/2 personal pizzas, and a snack for Ellie later we try to leave. Because I'm not a kangaroo and therefore have to carry all my own baby crap (Yeah. Thanks God.) I can't seem to open the door labeled "To Remain Unlocked During Business Hours". For like five minutes. Eventually some employee* of the pizza place shuffles over and mumbles something about having a FREON leak and needing to lock the doors. So no one can leave. At all. Unless they wave their hands up in the air and wave them like they just don't care! (Sorry. That was a reference to my Kris Kross impersonation at the beginning of the post. It won't happen again. Probably. Or not. Your choice.)

So let me break it down for all of you who don't think Elvis is alive. (Which he totally is by the way. I saw a Inside Edition about it once in junior high.) We refused to give out personal information about ourselves to "Major Credit Card Corporation" so they took away the Internet and tried to KILL US ALL by creating a poisonous gas leak and barricading the doors at a pizza place we rarely go to. Yeah.... That moon landing is looking pretty suspicious the more I think about it.


*Or a "Major Credit Card Corporation Undercover Pizza Employee". Or a zombie. It was hard to tell.

How I Turned Into A Potato

I've been busy these last few weeks or so. Katie started Montessori school, Ellie grew, Jon shared some snot disease with us all and I jumped through fire!


And hurdled logs floating in neck deep water! And scrambled over Armageddon abandoned cars! And scaled a cargo net like a pirate! And ran up steep hills (OK, walked but they were really steep hills)! And finally, slithered through a mud bog under barbed wire!

All for a medal and a banana.

As well as the chance to engage in smack talk with my husband that went something like this:

Me: Dude! You're first real medal! Isn't it awesome!
Jon: What do you mean? I have medals.
Me: But not like, real medals for sweating and stuff. Those are just high school Academic Decathlon medals.
Jon: You're just jealous because you couldn't be in AcDec.
Me: What do you mean, couldn't???? Did you just call me stupid?
Jon: I mean the math. There was no way you could have done the math.
Me: searing him with an evil obtuse look (which is a geometry term so obviously my math skills are totally quantitative and not sub par)
Jon: What?! It's true!
Me: Your momma.*


And finally, at the end of the day when all the little warriors and their Dora backpacks



were nestled snug in their hotel beds, like a potato, I scrubbed and scrubbed but the dirt just kept coming.


* Is there an online tutorial for smack talk? Because we may need it.

Bran: The New Blogging Tool

I've been rated. Hot rated that is. Little Black Book rated. Cat called walking by the construction zone rated. Honked at by a passing car while on a run rated. But not by a reliable source like this:


But by the internet. And two of our local landfills. And the proposed quarry site. And possibly the government. (Seriously. I can't make up things like being objectified by methane producing garbage and the IRS.)

The other night, I was just minding my own business narcissistically searching for myself on Google, when, there it was, my Hot Score: 6.2

I didn't really get the point of a website giving out hot ratings based on municipal dumping grounds, but, 6.2! Really?!?!? Obviously they haven't seen me walking around town sporting my ring watch, because I've seen one on every single sexy person I've fist bumped this summer! And, I'm sure they haven't seen me dressed in my sexy Halloween costume:


Come on! I'm totally the hottest domino in the county! About to run a race. Really early in the morning. On Halloween.

So what does that make me, Hot Duck?


Yeeaahh, that's right!

So, internet, flatulating landfills, proposed rock diggers and the government of these United States of America, get it together, because the Hot Duck never lies.

Break it down for us Hot Duck!



You had to have seen that coming!

Unmoderated Comments From My Head

On Dreaming In English
I've been having this urge the last couple days to use the word pisser, as in, "He's such a pisser." It's probably the Hugh Grant dreams I've been having where he walks around with his hands in his pockets, very Cary Grantish, and says things like, "He's such a pisser." Maybe. But I haven't said it because with my luck it's one of those really bad English swear words that sound funny but aren't* and I'd probably blurt it out at the park and there'd be a huge convention for English Nannies of Highly Impressionable English Children. Because they have those. A lot. Like all the time.

* You know, like bloody and cheerio.

On Gardening Ethics
I was grumpily watering the flowers, trees, shrubs and stuff outside because it was going to be a really hot day-like 88 (quit snickering desert people) and I realized I only watered the plants I liked. Hydrangea? Nice long drink. Stupid poky Ponderosa wanna be shrub? Barely a sprinkle. Then I remembered the very LOUD newborn baby pooping that woke me up at 5:30 and the whining three year old that followed at 7 when I headed downstairs and I smiled as I giddily played with the thought of applying my gardening ethics to parenting.**

**It's called dark humor people. You know, like this:


On Aliens Taking Over The World
I found a death threat from aliens posted at the coffee shop. Thank goodness they want chai and not coffee! Otherwise I'd have to learn how to play a video game like Space Invaders or Tetris to defend my coffee-I MEAN WORLD! No country! Um, fellow man...? Ah, crapazoidal. We all know I mean my coffee. My gorgeous, dark, highly caffeinated, keeps me awake in the middle of the day and all the hours on either side, creamy, delicious coffee.... (sigh)




I think there were more comments stashed somewhere in my head, but I can't find them because I've run out of coffee and the buzz is wearing off from my cappuccino flavored plumping lip gloss.

The Post Where I Get Political

Instead of writing haiku's to Powell's for this post* I've decided to run for US Senate. (I thought about running for US Representative, but one of the candidate's is a karate instructor and I haven't watched "The Karate Kid" in a really long time and my crane kick stance is a little wobbly.) I realize I'm throwing my hat into the ring a little late in the race, but I totally think I'm qualified. Especially after reading through my voter's pamphlet last night.

The one that reads like a singles ad by a guy from Jupiter:
"Goodspaceguy loves beautiful stars in the sky and in the movies. People of Spaceship Earth are his family. If you google goodspaceguy, you'll find me and talented people who claim to be me, Goodspaceguy." -Goodspaceguy-

The one that's threatening in a weird hippie kind of way:
"BEWARE! My personal doctrine for business and politics speaks for itself. I am currently promoting an Amtrak Tour of America ala "Woodstock" style for the summer of 2011. How? I am not Joe the Plumber. BEWARE!" -Mike The Mover-

The one you thought was a legitimate candidate:
"I'll never stop fighting against the powerful on behalf of you and your families." -Patty Murray-

The one that thinks he can take over the world using his superior intelligence:
"Since other politicians value their positions more than anything else, they will ultimately follow the wishes of their voting constituency. Therefore, it will be necessary to provide leadership for a vigorous national movement in the press and every other media available." -James "Skip" Mercer-**


And, if they're going to try and take over the world, I figure I can too!


Martha**
(prefers Sunny Days Sweepin' The Clouds Away)
Somewhere close to Seattle, WA Website: http://whenmacandcheeseattacks.blogspot.com


Are you an approved candidate of your preferred party?
You'll have to ask Big Bird, he's the tallest.

What background and experience do you bring to this office?
I was educated in Arizona and live in Washington so I understand weather extremes. I received the highest score on my AP Government final in high school, so obviously I understand politics, although in class I tended to just agree with the girl sitting in front of me to avoid public speaking. I enjoy books and believe that computers will one day take over our brains and subject us to being their slaves and bringing them margaritas-or whatever computers like to toast with after taking over the world. I came to this conclusion after watching Buck Rogers-YOU SHOULD TOO! Ring watches are THE BOMB! And I plan to be the coolest 90 year old on my block some day.

If elected, what will be your top three priorities, and how will you accomplish them?
1) I will go backpacking, because once I'm a Senator they give you a nanny like right away and I'd REALLY enjoy some hiking time.
2) I'd spend the night in the White House because I'm too impatient to wait for Ellie to grow up and become president so I can find all the secret passageways and stuff like in "National Treasure."
3) I'd teach the world to sing and hand out M&M's to everyone that came to my office-unless I was stuck in one of those secret passageways or hiking through Virginia, then my nanny can do it.

Dude, vote for me because Jon already did.


*Books, more books to read
Swirly smooth caffeine for me
I could live well here
(You thought I was joking, didn't you?)

** "What are we going to do tonight, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every night, Pinkie. Try to take over the WORLD!"

*** I just got my hair cut. Now Don Music and I are like twins! Last time I let Ernie cut my hair....